Finding it very difficult after giving notice

[Ilovecrumpets]

Hello everyone

Ended up having to say to our au pair that it wasn’t working 1/2 weeks ago ( number of things culminating in her saying she’d would never work any Fri/Sat/Sun evening ( I’d asked for 2 in a 4 month period, xtra pay etc).

Anyway I’m now really struggling to deal with still having her in the house. I’m a single parent so the only other adult which doesn’t help, but she is just being extremely difficult and is quite aggressive/argumentative in approach ( she is 27 so not a young girl). Obviously not helping at all now with anything like washing dishes/tidying after the kids/clearing up after herself. Also am now having to pay for an after school nanny as the last 2 afternoons she had the kids I came back and the house was completely destroyed - bathrooms flooded, toilet rolls down toilets, every single room trashed, all bookcases emptied etc. She was there with the kids playing and screeching in all the mess ( admittedly the kids should also know better - they are 4 and 6), encouraging them. She then just clocked off and didn’t help tidy at all.

I’ve obviously offered to pay all her notice and her flight home, but as she wants to find another position she is refusing to leave ( I had 4 weeks notice - she also then wants me to pay her flight at the end).

I’ve had au pairs in the past and nannies and always, I hope, treated them well. I honestly feel like I cannot bear to have her in the house for another week and a half.

Sorry that was notice 2 1/2 weeks ago

What would happen if you just chucked her out? Hell mend her.

Give her the rest of her notice pay now and tell her she needs to leave tomorrow. You could offer to either book her a flight or a travelodge room.

She sounds very disruptive and unpleasant , pack her bags and travel lodge , give her her money owed ( perhaps minus cost of damage ) she needs to grow up

Maybe I should do that. I couldn’t afford to pay for a room for the rest of the notice period. I suppose I’m someone that doesn’t like conflict so I find this really difficult - but maybe forcing myself to tell her to leave would be better than having this for another week and a half.

Book her a flight home then.

If she isn't doing her job then why are you obliged to accommodate her during the notice period?

Exactly - if she is not doing her job you can chuck her out. It’s gross misconduct.

Tell her to leave now
You can put her on gardening leave and pay her the rest of her notice period but I wouldn't be paying for her flight home

Thanks all - I always worry ( too much) about being ‘fair’. Will pull my big girl pants on this afternoon ...

Good for you. I'm the same - always avoid conflict - but you are actually getting MORE conflict by staying quiet. Five minutes of discomfort for you, will avoid weeks more of this nastiness.

Yes Birdie you are right - atm I’ve started staying out of rooms etc to avoid her which is ridiculous!

So I spoke to her and asked her to leave Tuesday morning.

She doesn’t want to go back so is demanding I pay for a hotel or give her the cash now for a flight and taxi to the airport incase she wants to go back at the end of the notice period. I’ve said I will pay her the remainder of the notice and offered to book a flight and taxi to the airport or book her a taxi to wherever she is going to stay and give money for the flight. Also she didn’t understand she had been paid in advance so is arguing about pay.

I am finding this extremely difficult. I don’t know how I will manage the next 2 nights.

Actually wondering if she will trash the room or something.

If she trashes anything, call the police. I’d mention it now tbh that you are willing to call them on her.

Tell her you will give her the money when she leaves, after you have checked her room.

Does it say anything about paying flights in her contract?

I would either book her a flight and taxi for Tuesday, or if she doesn't want to go then she can sort out her own travel/accommodation.

Thanks all. The contract only offered flights in the first 4 weeks and if the au pair leaves immediately - so she isn’t covered. I am
however willing to pay for the flight or give her the cash towards it. I’ve said I will give it to her when she moves out - definitely not giving that in advance!

It’s just so unpleasant being hassled all the time in my own home.

You need to start making it unoleasant for her to be in your home then. Maje ger stay in her room not other way round!

I know - it’s just hard to do when I’m not used to people behaving like this!

Bring a friend in to help you have somehow let her think she has the upper hand start pulling her up on mess and any duties she isn't honouring under the terms of the agreement. When people feel they are justified they can lose perspective - this situ sounds broken down so best for both of you it doesn't continue.

Yes you have it exactly middleeasternpromise she doesnthink she isnjustified and that is the problem. Also correct that as I had given notice I hadn’t been pulling her up on things - which was a mistake. I’d definitely handle things differently next time and could have handled better. I guess it’s just I’ve had au pairs before and nannies and never encountered anything like this before!

I think one of the main things is she didn’t realise she was being paid in advance ( although as I have her her pay on her first day I said this was her pay for the first week - perhaps I should have been clearer and put it in the contract - so she seems to think I’ve deliberately misled her.

You might also want to stop taking all the responsibility - as you say she's not that young I would go through the payments she has received and make it very clear that it is also her responsibility to check understanding. Email it all to her - notice periods allow both parties to end the agreement with a Grace period so long as both continue to honour the arrangements. She doesn't get to claim all the allowances but not deliver her part. I too have had many authors pairs and most were lovely but I had one, incidentally older, and her ideas about what she was entitled to were an issue from the start. It's the early warning signs you just can't ignore.

I do agree with you about the signs being there, there were other things to around food etc as well - it’s partly why I acted to give notice when there was the babysitting disagreement.

It’s a good lesson generally - I had initially discounted her in the summer but there were so few au pairs around that I began to panic. I had an instinct she wasn’t quite right but dismissed it. Definitely a lesson in not panicking and hiring someone you weren’t sure was 100% right.

I have now replied to her message setting out clearly (1) the pay situation and (2) what I will pay for ( flight plus bags, notice period pay and taxi to her new accommodation).

I think you've been very generous.

I think the problem @underneaththeash as I’ve come to realise is when someone is in your house it’s just really difficult - they sort of have you over a barrel and are also aware thatbas you really want them out you are likely to pay to get rid of the issue iyswim.

I’ve certainly learnt from the experience!

You're paying for a nanny because she won't do her job?

Basically yes. Not sure if it is can’t or won’t. Possibly a bit of both. Hopefully she goes tomorrow morning.