What to do about aupair

[Whattheactualheck]

Would really appreciate some help here. Aupair started out fairly promisingly but things are becoming increasingly strained. It doesn’t feel as though she wants to be part of our family. She spends a lot of time on her phone when she’s supposedly “ playing “ with the kids. I’ve already told her about this several times. She can’t cook and so I’m preparing all the meals even when I come back from work I’ve barely got my foot in the door and I’m busy in the kitchen. She has every weekend off and has friends she stays with in the next town so we don’t see her from Saturday morning until Sunday late at night. This is fine and I’m glad she has fun. However it’s the attitude when she’s here. She’s cold with the children. Makes no conversation and acts like she doesn’t like them. My son was ill the other day and I said I had to go back to work for a few hours and could she please look after him. I got tearful phone call from him saying could I come home as the aupair went out just after I’d left. My husband and I repeatedly tried to phone her but she wouldn’t pick up. I had to leave work in the end and her reason when I finally got hold of her was “ it was such a gorgeous sunny day I really fancied a walk”. A two hour walk when you’ve got a sick child that you’re supposed to be in charge of? Then this morning another tearful call from son saying she’s been mean to him and his siblings. Cold and snappy and just generally rolling eyes at them and being unkind. Would I be justified in calling it a day? Son she left alone is 11 by the way. I don’t mind twenty mins here and there but this was over two hours . I’ve had enough.

Sack her. Leaving an ill eleven year old that you have been asked to care for is unacceptable.

Yup, it's not the job for her. Give her notice and find a replacement before she just walks - although she may just walk when you give her notice.

I’d tell her to leave ASAP

You are paying someone to make your kids feel like crap, fire her. I hope you find a lovely Au Pair soon 

Fire her.

These comments really are all my fears coming to life.

My daughter is about to au pair in Spain (against mine and my husband's advice) and all I can say is that I hope the expectations of the family there isn't as high as people seem to have in the UK. I really think that people miss the point of what au pairs are.

Other than fully autonomous human beings - which y'all totally forget - there is often the following

• a language barrier
• homesickness
• high expectations
• being part of the family

Now language barrier and homesickness aside - these are obvious and should be very carefully handled. I've read so much about pouty petulant au pairs when, if you actually bring it down to brass tacks - there is complete lack of support and understanding that you are bringing a new person to live in your house.

High expectations - if you want an employee - get one. Au pairs are baby sitters - have hugely varying experience with children and housekeeping - and importantly have personalities and their own mind. It terrifies me that I'm about to send my daughter to a den of lions.

Being part of the family - Jesus. I have people I work with that I would not have in my home if you paid me. Look at what these au pair have to put up with. They are invited sometimes to do things with the family..but always to remember their place. (They aren't even employees for god's sake.) They are trying to live somewhere but it's like being on call 24/7 - at short notice often.

I'm not really commenting on your situation WhatTheActualHeck - but I'm responding to the badly thought through "Fire her" responses. Dehumanise these girls all you like - but think how unsupported they feel - how excluded they feel - how solitary they are - with no one to talk to and no real come back if they get "fired" (remember they aren't employed) - I wonder who'd be the first to post on here if their daughter was treated like this.

I keep saying that people's attitudes, selfishness and their ability to not look beyond the end of their noses disappoints me. But now I'm in this position it alarms me.

Fire away!

Leaving an ill 11 year old alone for 2 hours when you’ve specifically asked her to care for him is gross misconduct.

I really wouldn't be happy with this and having your children upset is not ideal at all.

Not sure that this one is going to work out and the best thing for both parties would be to let her go now I think

There is no "gross misconduct" - they are not employed.

Get a nanny people.

TimeforTea73 - I think you are letting your anxiety for your daughter warp your view. I am fully aware that I have a young adult away from home for the first time. She is doing fantastically, says she is not at all homesick 3 months in and is developing a nice social life. It is a mutually beneficial exchange and just as I have responsibility to provide her with a decent, warm home and food etc, and she joins us on lots of activities and days out, she has a responsibility not to abandon a child she has been asked to look after alone. It sounds as though the OP’s au pair does not actually like to be with the kids which makes it pretty hard for her to fulfill her end of the bargain and she was completely irresponsible.

We have an au pair because it is appropriate at this stage and age for our kids. We had a nanny for 3 years and our expectations, and her responsibilities, were far greater.....I didn’t have to teach her how to cook, pay for her to have driving lessons on English roads, house her and introduce her to the local area, take her to enrol in language school and introduce her to other au pairs to help her settle. I didn’t provide everything the nanny needed day to day in terms of home, food, bills. My nanny was ofsted registered, had childcare and paediatric first aid qualifications and was able to intelligently discussed and engage in child development concerns and strategies for my kids. I expect none of that from my au pair and I doubt most people do. But I do expect my au pair to look after the children when she has agreed to do so!

Timefortea73

I do understand how you feel. I approach most things in my life regarding how to treat people, by relating how I would hope my kids will be treated when they are older, and by considering my own experience as a young aupair. There’s no language barrier at all here as she’s fluent in English and I am in her language too and speak to her in her mother tongue whenever she wants to. I’m a kind person I think and would never dream of treating her badly. I talk to her about her family, ask about her interests, buy her favourite treats and include her as a matter of course in all family treats/occasions. It was my other son’s birthday recently and she utterly ignored the whole thing didn’t even wish him a happy birthday or give him little card. She sat and ate the birthday meal whilst being on her phone and just left the table without a word. It maybe a shyness of course, but she’s been here five weeks now and I think after that amount of time she’d have been able to relate to the kids. I’m not a horrible boss type! I was hoping this would be a mutually beneficial experience. She’s actually gone out. I don’t know where but I have texted her to say we need to have a chat and could she call me. It needs sorting and I will do it when I hear back from her

I see from your other thread that you've asked her to leave, which is the right thing to do as she clearly hasn't either bonded with your children or tried to.

TBH the going out at the weekend with friends wouldn't bother me as long as they are still spending some time with us and I expect that au pairs will be unable to cook. We have a booklet will meal instructions for each meal and contains gems such as " wash your hands before preparing food" and "use a separate chopping board for raw meat and vegetables".

@timefortea73 I think you have unrealistic expectation of what au pairing is (especially in Spain). Au pairs are not babysitters, they are expected to provide proper childcare for older children with some cleaning, not to sit on their phones and ignore them. She also has to understand the responsibilities that go with this, which include not leaving a child unattended for 2 hours.
Your daughter will also most likely spend a lot of time with her host family, especially as in Spain they eat very late - and with young children in attendance.

Woah people.

I was commenting purely on the short, unhelpful comments to this poster. I do not have any unrealistic expectation believe me - my daughter may do - but I certainly don't, knowing exactly how people can be.

My point was the ability for someone to pop up on this forum and post "aye - away with her."

Whattheactualheck - I could tell that you are trying to resolve this - I was purely pointing out that many people were being unhelpful.