CM CLUB - HELP.........it's about this baby i'm paid double for - time for a chat with parents :-( Please help me!!

[looneytune]

Summary for those who don't know the situation:

Lady comes to visit me when baby was 5 weeks old - about adhoc care. She wasn't keen on someone with lots of kids and was happy that at the time it was just ds but also knew I was possibly going to do one afternoon school run and have an after schooler. Was here 2 hours and then left.

Next day emails me asking if we can do 2 fulls days on contract. I said yes HOWEVER to remember that I may take on the school age child and also, I'd still be advertising the other under 5 vacancy as I can't afford not to fill my under 5 spaces. I said the only way round that was to pay me double. Straight away agreed to paying double so it's more on a 1:1 basis (as ds goes to nursery from 8.50-12.45 those days)

All sorted and baby started at 8 weeks old. Because mum was hoping to go back to work more days from May, it looks like a short term contract. Now mum has decided to not go back full time until the end of the year/new year. AND is saying that she has decided she still wants to use me, even if I can't fit the extra days in. She'd rather use just me but would use a nursery for the extra days if needed.

Sooooooooo, I feel like I've got myself stuck with someone who thinks it's always going to be just her baby and my ds (with an extra one for 3 hours at the very end of the day).

Now we've moved house, one thing I'm sorting out is numbers. I'm only allowed 3 under 8's at the moment and I want to see if they'll change this to 5 under 8's (as ds makes the 6th child). I need to do this as ds will count as an over 5 from Jan and also, the after schooler is a pre-schooler who goes all day and turns 4 in Dec so hoping she'll become an over 5. I really need to make sure I can still have the under 5's and financially, can't afford not to fill spaces.

Now this lady was informed that I didn't intend to take on more afterschoolers for the time being (remember, she was seeing me about adhoc care at the time) but things do change and I was never going to be needed this long.

So, I want to chat about the fact that I will be trying to get more numbers and if approved, that I will advertise. What if someone wants a school run all week? I can't turn it down just because this lady doesn't want more for those 2 days I have her baby. I just don't know how to handle it. They are a LOVELY family, pay well, respect me etc etc but I just can't not get more work as it suits them. I'm not paid for all these spaces, just paid for the one extra under 5 space.

Gosh, does any of that make any sense??? was rushing whilst baby was having a quiet 10 mins but she's started again so I need to go.

PLEASE HELP, I'm feeling really bad about all this

Crumbs, difficult, I have absolutely no idea what you could do on this one, so I am about as much help as a choc tea pot! Sorry looney, I bet Shosh'll know later on!!

right, go see her with bottle og wine and have a chat, i personally think now her LO has been coming to you for a while she will have relaxed and knows you can look after her LO well.
explain that although you made the double fee agreement, you have found 'financially' you need to be earning more, so you are suggesting that if you got another 1 or 2 children on, then she would only have to pay normal rates as her child wouldnt be holding 2 spaces anymore.
explain you wont take on more than you know you can manage as the babies are prioritised and the age you are looking to get is schoolys, meaning still lots of time for her LO during day and still excellent care even when others are there..reassure her to high heaven, prove to her you KNOW you can manage and that it will be better financially for her too!...good luck!

Sit down and discuss what she thinks she'll need and until when, eg definate idea of dates and days.

Explain that you are happy to keep your current arrangement of 1:1 (or equivalent lol!) but that in Jan, when ds is effectively a 5yo, you will have another under 5's vacancy. As you imagine she can respect, you will need to fill it financially. She has the option, of course, to pay you three times a much (but honestly? A lot of money!) But as the baby will be (10?11?) months old by then, they will be starting to need social interaction with children close to their own age, and of course you'd only consider a child that fitted in well with your current routines Make it sounds like it's for the baby's benefit, too.

So either she'll say NO WAY! and offer to pay you three times or remove her service, or she'll see the error of her ways and let you take on 1/2 children.

Don't forget to add that babies become a lot easier at 6 months, and a doddle after 10.

Then gently bring up the afterschool vacancies, say it would be good for your ds to have someone similar around, while it would help you as they could help entertain each other whilst you focussed on the under 5's.

thanks for replies, will come back later as can't even think for all this screaming

i would prob see if your numbers change and find out what they change to before talking to the mum, then i would have a chat with her

Hi again. Baby being dropped over later today so just having a catch up with a cuppa and some toast

Pinkchick - wouldn't do the turning up with bottle of wine thing as I've never been to theirs and just wouldn't turn up like that. Cheers for the advice on what to say though, she's definitely getting better slowly in time i.e. realising her baby is a very social baby and therefore loves other kids being around. I don't mind if she still pays double for the main part of the day to be just us - makes no difference to me if she pays double or I get another mindee, as far as money goes

Lunavix - thanks, very good points there and I feel I can use that in our chat

Dmo - I know what you're saying but something needs to be said sooner rather than later because I want to open up the whole thing about it not just being her baby there and I have to deal with 2 more at times and can't continue to ignore the other 2 because baby wants constant attention. I want to make sure we understand each other for several reasons (one being that I can't keep everyone silent because her baby is having a bad day and needs quiet - it's not fair and almost impossible with a 3 and 4 year old)

Right, 2 days of HELL and I've called a meeting with mum Because I said in my email that I wanted to make sure we are all happy with things and to have a rough idea on how long I'd be needed, she got the wrong end of the stick and looks like she thought I'd had enough and wanted to stop having her. She said she now wants me indefinitely but understands if I don't want her Bless, I felt awful. I emailed back saying it wasn't about that but about long term plans with the number of children etc due to financial needs and she was fine. Think we can chat about it all now with no worries as she knows it's coming. I will be having a big chat about the baby aswell due to all the problems I've had since she started with me at 8 weeks.

One lot of today's cries ended after 1 hour 20 mins! I was starting to loose the will to live tbh

Anyway, Dad collected tonight and we had a chat about it and we both agree on why we think she's like this and we both agree that mum is making things worse (with the best intentions) and we're both going to work on it.

Although the cry is a piercing painful sounding cry, it really does seem to be an over-tired thing. The pattern suggests it (afternoons worse, always like this when got very red tired eyes), dad totally agrees with me and we both think that she's getting herself in a state because she doesn't know how to get herself to sleep. This being because mum always rocks etc, basically does everything needed to get baby to sleep. She's only trying to be a caring mum but she needs to learn to be able to walk away. Believe me, this baby really does know what she's doing! I know some people will say no way can a 4 month old know but this one does! She's trying to control things and using her cries to get what she wants. Dad said mum is away tonight and so it's just him and her. He's going to let her cry herself to sleep tonight and not rock her and then put her down. At the end of the day, mum is well stressed, said she shouts at baby when it gets really bad (believe me, I don't blame her) and I've told dad that one day she's going to feel like chucking her out the window or something and said what's worse, doing that or walking away and ignoring baby for a bit - he totally agreed. Soooooooo, we're both working on mum to help her realise she's created a rod for her own back and the only way to sort it is to go through hell for a short time until she learns to fall asleep by herself.

Thank god I've just got one more week to go then 2 weeks holiday - yippee! Would be great to come back to a settled baby!

Looneytune - just trying to follow this so apologies if I've got it all wrong! My feeling is you ditch the double time as soon as you can for this baby and get another child. You can always get double time from the parents until you find another under 5. You would of course have to tell them this is your intention - which I think from your posting you have already discussed with them?
Whilst it sounds great to have someone pay you double for 1:1 care (and you say family are nice which is a plus) look at how tied you feel to that family. Personally I feel you get back to being a childminder which means having more than one child on your books if you can rather than being a 'nanny' for this one baby. It will also add a bit of variety to your day/week (sounds like you've had some difficult ones!) if you have another child added into the mix who will I'm sure help to keep this baby occupied.
I'm also not sure where the mum of this baby is coming from in terms of wanting you solely for herself and baby during the day. You say she doesn't want too many other children around baby but is then looking at putting baby in nursery (if needs be) on days you cannot accommodate. I'm not sure I understand what she wants.
She clearly likes and trusts you so perhaps time to review the situation and the 1:1 care.

You know it makes sense! Go and take a house warming bottle of wine to LMG and get it sorted! This is clearly making you miserable and in turn your family is suffering. No job/child is worth this. You're not getting job satisfaction and regardless of the money or the lovely family, if someone isn't happy in their job, they do something about it. Tell them you intentions and start advertising. If you can change your numbers, you'll soon make up the money.

Thanks for your messages - Maureen, what on earth were you doing up on MN at THAT time!!

I know what you're saying, I really do BUT I feel that a massive step was taken yesterday. Mum is always asking for advice and seems to respect my idea's (i.e. day 1 I walked baby around on her front so tummy against my arm and helped to bring wind out of her bottom which helped baby's pains in tummy, suggested baby getting too hot on their playmat at home and suggested a cool sheet which worked as baby slept, the pretending to be asleep trick etc ect) HOWEVER I also am very careful with WHAT advice I give WHEN as mum needs to be in the right mood (I think due to her problems at birth, hormones etc, she can take things the wrong way sometimes). Mum has admitted shouting at baby and being at the end of her tether (in email) and it's opened up an opportunity for me to say it's time to stop rocking baby etc. Dad is already on side and he's fab. Mum is fab and just needs to reassurance/guidance.

I also feel more confident about how much they want me and feel I can talk about what I can/can't, will/won't do. I plan to say if we all agree to slowly step away from giving baby SO much attention and stop giving her what she wants ALL THE TIME, she should settle very quickly and we'll all be a lot happier. If she agrees then great, we'll work on that, if she doesn't then I'll explain this isn't going to work for me as even if I only had ds, it's horrible for him on those days and not fair I ignore my son! But I DO also have a 3 year old in the afternoon and have to think of her too. I'm also going to explain that if OFSTED agree to more numbers, I WILL be advertising these spaces and IF something comes up then I'll take it. She knows this conversation is coming anyway.

Obviously if the constant screaming when tired doesn't settle down with us trying new things, I will have to rethink but with a 2 month notice period anyway, I believe it's worth giving this change a go if mum agrees.

What do you think?

mothermirabelle - I see your point about the nursery but just wanted to clear that up. NO WAY would they use a nursery at this age. They didn't think it was right but still asked my opinion and I gave it so they decided deffo not yet. The nursery idea is for when mum starts full time next year (so baby nearer 1) and it's only if I still can't help - that's the plan atm.

Went out dancing with Kbear didn't I! I'm absolutely pooped today. Won't be doing that again in a hurry!

Oh right, maybe you talked about it in the staffroom? I was pretty tied up yesterday afternoon and so didn't read all the messages. Hope you had a fab time but still, what were you doing coming on MN when you were back!!!

Did you think my last post seemed ok? Re giving this one more go after a chat?

I just had to have a quick cup of tea before bed - I was spitting feathers as they say! Yes, I think thats completely fair enough to have a chat and give it one more go. I think the mum needs to know just how bad it is getting. Somethings just not right. I had a baby who cried constantly when she first started. I couldn't even look at her without her crying! But within a week or two she was happy smiley. If she's like it at home too, there must be a reason. Its not right.