My nanny is great with the kids but I don't trust her? What to do?

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My live-in nanny has been with us for a year now and the kids love her - she is full of smiles, never raises her voce, insists on good behaviour and so on. She is a careful driver, completely reliable and always cheerful. Sometimes I need to speak to her about not giving them unhealthy food or stuff like that, but that's just because her background is different to mine and she always adapts when I ask her to.

Sounds fab.

On the other hand....... I recently been told that she has been sniping about me and my husband to a mutual friend in the local pub. She moaned to her that she was underpaid and told them a lot of stuff about our habits (husband leaving towels on the floor kind of stuff). This has apparantly been going on for some time - to the extent that she has apparantly spent weeks looking for other jobs locally (with no sucess - they are all offering less money). Then a couple of weeks back we are told she triumphantly waved around the pub some newspaper article saying nannies in London earn £500 plus (we live in the country) and that she was going to take her holiday next month (she is away 3.5 weeks on full pay, AND we bought her flight for her for £750 as a bonus). She told the people down the pub that as soon as she got back she was going to tell us to 'stick' her job and she would delight in doing so because we have obviously been ripping her off by not paying her £500 a week. Anyway, this mutual friend was pretty disgusted with her behaviour and called us up to tell us what had been going on. So I did some digging and found her CV on a couple of sites.

Anyway, I sat down with the nanny and had a long chat with her. She said she loved working for us, loved the kids and so on, but yes, she had been 'testing the water' and might leave if she found something that paid more, but that she wouldn't dream of leaving us in the lurch, would serve lots of notice, help us find a new nanny and so on. She also said she wouldn't bother looking if she could have better hours. Then she added that the friend from the pub was a trouble-maker and she hadn't moaned or whinged about us but had just said she was thinking of moving on.

Anyway, we have muddled through that one. It so happens that our DS will be starting pre-prep soon so it wasn't hard to re-jig the hours, and she now assures me that all her concerns are over, she will definately stop looking etc etc.

Then a few hours later she casually mentions that wouldn't it be a good idea if she renewed her first-aid certificate.... I think she thinks I am not very bright in being able to join the dots.

This is far from the first time we have bent over to keep things on an even keel - we let it go when we found out that she had been smoking whilst walking my DD round in her pram (despite telling us she was a non-smoker), we have switched her hours before because she kept saying she was exhausted (once, we agreed she could have a free morning during the week at no loss of pay, so that she could sleep in, and the next day she told us she was going to spend that free time doing an extra cleaning job at a neighbours' house), and we haven't said a word when she complains to my mum that she is tired - and then she goes to rock concerts and beer festivals all weekend and parties until 4 in the morning during her time off (she is nearly 47). We have more or less stopped the evening babysitting because she's phoned us at 9.30 saying she is too tired and can we come home), and I've even arranged for my DD to start going to nursery so that the nanny has less to do. She now has three full days off a week and the nannying will soon be down to wrap-round before/after school...

So, putting aside the fact that I am a complete prize mug what should I do? I know my friend didn't make this up, and I know that my cheerful smiling nanny seems to not like us very much behind my back. But on the other hand I know that she won't get better hours/pay around here, so probably will have to stay with us anyway. I have completely lost all respect for her but at the same time I am stressing out about the whole process of finding a replacement, which when you don't live in London isn't that easy...

I am hard as nails at work, but just can't call it on this one, because it so stresses me out worrying about getting someone new who my kids will love. And I hate the idea of them having to get to know someone else from scratch - we used to have au-pairs and I switched to a nanny precisely in the hope of ensuring continuity.

What do people think? It's blown over for the moment and part of me thinks I should just take a chill pill, but another part of me feels pretty badly treated and can't let it drop. Should I try to find a replacement or just put up with it?

do you have to have a nanny? can you not use a childminder or a nursery?

I think everyone needs to blow off steam sometimes, even if they have a great job (and know it). I love my job (most of the time) but have to admit that I often come home and spend the first hour or so moaning to DP about how crap such and such was. Plus as a Nanny she will be working on her own without colleagues to offload to. Be honest with yourself - haven't you ever complained about your boss/colleague/client/working conditions? And bear in mind that you are ALL those things to your Nanny. She would not be human if things didn't grate occasionally.

Sooo... I don't think you should take the slagging off in the pub too seriously. It is tactless, and she is clearly not very bright to do it loudly in a local pub, but we all deserve the chance to unwind and get grievances off our chest, otherwise they just fester. She may like you very much but just need to have an evening bitch over a pint like the rest of us.

However, if it has really spoiled your relationship with the nanny then perhaps the damage has been done and you would be better off with someone else.

OMG

what a horrible position to be in...

my opinion is that you seem to be clearly very nice employers... and deserve and nicer nanny who repsects you!

My opinion is that YOU should start looking for another nanny, and once you have found one give her her 4 weeks notice!

there are lots of nice nannies out there, who are nice, drive well, insist on good behavior etc etc.

Children generally adapt vety quicly to new nannies anyway!

Ultimatley if you dont trust her i cant see how you could leave your chidlren with her to be honest

BUT (me thinking as i type) i think it is illegal for you to just givr her her notice then find a new person to do the same job as her.... even if you change the job description you have to offer it to her 1st... you HAVE to follow correct disciplinary procedures... ie verbal warning, written warning, dismissal, so make sure you follow that so she doesnt sue you (perhaps you converstaion could be classed as a verbal warning?)

Does her contract say anything about confidentiality over what goes on in your home ?

Staff always gossip about their bosses in offices, factories etc but it puts you in a difficult position when she knows all about your domestic lives.

I fear she is being jolly foolish with her two-faced behaviour as any new employers will require a reference.

She does seem to have shaped you into what she requires from her employer rather than the other way around.

Personally, I'd play her at her own game and "test the water" by seeing what else is available in the way of other nannies and childcare arrangements.

Oh I do feel for you.

It is so hard because it is so hard on the kids getting a new nanny especially if you work full time as you no doubt do. On the other hand it is horrible to have a bad relationship with someone in your house who is looking after your kids.

My DS1 had three nannies before he was 4 . Then wasn't happy with last nanny and couldn't make him go through it again and left work - hurrah!

If your youngest is going to pre-school then you only have another year and a half/two years to put up with this - think very long and hard before you give her notice.

She's taking the piss, big time. If your need for a nanny is about to be slightly less anyway couldn't you consider an au pair again or a nanny share? Really, I'd find it VERY hard handign my children over to someone who doesn't like or respect me. I'd be really pissed off in your position.

Thanks all of you for the comments

I could easily go back to au-pairs (they have all been really really lovely girls), but it is always difficult having them leave every year or so.

I really value people's comments about her just lettng off steam. I agree that in the work environment I wouldn't bat an eyelid if I found out a member of staff was talking to a headhunter. At least now I guess she won't carry on airing our dirty clothes (quite figuratively) down the village pub.

You're right WWW, I am so totally pissed off with the whole experience. But maybe the nannies comments here are right and I should keep it in perspective. God it is so difficult though when it is all under your roof and your kids are at the heart of it.

Sorry, my comments weren't v constructive were they?! But I think she thinks she's got you where she wants you (and maybe she has!) and she is taking the piss. I know people let off steam about their work, of course they do, but I'd be worried if someone who worked for me demonstrated a complete lack of respect for me.

she sounds bored and dissatisfied

it will be more than just her job

I wouldn't take it on tbh

I agree that everyone lets off steam now and again but i think she has over stepted the line on this one. I could get the sack for gross misconduct for doing whats she's been doing. I would try to find someone else if you can.

Cant you find another family to nanny share with? It seems to me that you are paying a nanny for not a lot. I would gladly take £500 a week or even £300 a week for the little she does.
I hope you work it out.
Lisa

I don't know what article she read that said live-in nannies earn £500 a week in London. Although i am job hunting at the moment and have an interview for a job earning £450 a week.

Nannys is london posh area's do earn £500 a week, trust me i looked
I have thought about going into nannying but with 2 children no one wants me LOL

If you can't trust her there is no relationship. Time for you to both move on.

Not sure where she got her info from - I know lots of nannies who take home a lot less than £500 a week. She would have to be top-notch/qualified/experienced and doing loads of hours for that kind of money.

If she thinks the grass is greener - let her find out.

oops was this my newspaper article?

live out nannies with proffesinoal qualifications and experience DO earn £500+net per week, but not live ins. Ive never heard of live ins on that much.

It sounds as if shes being very unproffesional. As a nanny you have to respect the familys privscy. you cant go gossiping about what goes on behind closed doors. there is a confidentality clause in my contract- always have that in any contract with your nanny.

its so sad she has done this to you, you sound like a nice employer. I think you need to sit down and talk to her about it, its the only way. she has broken youre trust now.

I'd get rid of her sharpish actually!

Live-in nannies can earn £500pw+ but she'd find it very hard to find a position with a top salary as she appears to be slightly shy of hard work!

Did I read right that she's 47, perhaps she's getting too old for such a physical position...Looking after children can be very tiring but she shouldn't be needing an extra lie in & for you to come home early in the evening!?!

If she's live-in why is what time you come home even an issue, she can still hear the children if she's in bed I presume???

Why do people always talk nett wages re nannies?

Live-in nannies do earn £500pw+ gross.

Firstly, I live in London, have a brilliant nanny doing fairly long hours and she does not earn £500 pw (although admittedly is reasonably close to it). I did a pay review about 3 months ago and spoke to a couple of agencies and they did not think that was "market". So there may be jobs out there offering that - in fact I know there are - but there are not hundreds of them and there may be strings attached (I know a friend who was having to offer that but there were quite a lot of complicating factors). I definitely do not think that a nanny with her approac will walk into a £500pw job.

I would not be wild about the "stories down the pub" bit, but if all other things were equal, I would swallow hard and overlook it. I do agree that everyone has to let off steam about their job and would grudgingly accept that people may have to do it about me.

HOWEVER, its the duties that makes me think your nanny is taking the piss somewhat. FWIW my nanny is 43/44 and does not claim that she needs to "rest" (we have a 5 year old and a 3 year old and she dos 5 x 11.5 hour days). I honestly think you are being too accommodating, partly possibly because you are scared that she may leave. Why not do a bit of checking out the market yourself? If there are more people around than you think who are willing to work harder, then even if you do nothing about it, I suspect it may harden up your approach to some of her more questionable requests. At least you will know whether you do need to accomodate her.

I think unless you are very lucky, they always go off the ball after about a year.

She is taking the piss.
Indiscreet
Unappreciative of the long holiday + bonus
Immature ? Should have learned a better work/partying balance by now, so hard luck if she's tired after wild weekends. Her choice but tough on you.
Babysitting: if she's living in, what's so hard about listening out for the children while in her own room with monitor ?

Your family deserves better.

I have decided to take a look at the market in detail... I love living in the country but at times like this I do sometimes wish I was in London as it is so difficult to get live-in nannies in the sticks (has to be live-in because we head off to work at 6 so that we can get home early). The nanny has been sweetness and light but every day I hear more bits and pieces (but then, I have been fishing around...), most of which to be honest is quite funny. I think at heart she might just be a drama queen trying to make a not very exciting life sound dramatic, but it has certainly blown up spectacularly in her face if that was the case. So pointless really.

I think your relationship with your nanny is deteriorating beyond repair.

Damn... I've just been summoned to a meeting... be back later....

Kick her to the kerb!
She sounds like a pain in the ass, frankly.

I think your realistic options are probably to either convince her to resign or terminate her employment (and I don't mean redundancy, I mean fire her). Her behaviour would breech the confidentiality clause on my contract. But, you might not have that clause.

I just could not go on with a nanny who I believed was lying to me. Trust is so important in the Parent-nanny relationship. And once it breaks down beyond repair it is time to say good bye.

Where is "the sticks". Are you far from London? I would think a live in would be pretty easy to attract even outside of London. Now, live-out might be a challenge.

I would also probably confront her every time I heard something she had said. And if I really didn't believe her, I'd probably have tell her so.