What's it like having an au pair? Good and bad bits

[Newjobworkwear]

Starting back at work soon and thought we had childcare sorted. But a few things have changed so I'm looking into getting an au pair and just considering it as the moment.
I have 3 dc. 12 year old, 8year old and 13month old. Baby will be with childminder so it's just for the older two dc. Would need them to be around in the morning to make sure dc are ready for school and make sure older dc leaves on time and then take 8year old to school. Then collect dc from school and be home when older dc gets back from school bus. Would then need to look after the dc until about 5.30/6 pm and perhaps do some cooking some evenings.

May also want some housework done one or two days a week. And maybe one eveing of babysitting one evening when the youngest dc is in bed.

I don't know anyone who has an au pair so does this sound ok?

What are the good and bad bits of having an au pair. We are quite a busy family so would be lovely to have someone who wants to be a part of family life. But I wonder, is it strange having a young person living with you?

Your au pair sounds great @eightytwenty do you find it odd having someone else living with you? I think that's my main concern really, it's that it might be uncomfortable never having the house to ourselves.

How much do you pay? I've seen such different amounts recommended.

How long do your au pairs usually stay?

We gave up on having au pairs because of that very reason. Our first au pair, though very nice, was very inconsiderate with the food and would eat up any meat, eggs, yoghurt, hummous - I found myself shopping and restocking ALL THE TIME. Luckily he was fabulous with the kids, so I let it slide...

Second au pair didn’t talk to us. Conversations were incredibly heavy going. She didn’t engage with the kids at all! DH was working from home a lot at the time and felt very uncomfortable - basically having a stranger around constantly.
We gave up on au pairs after that and were glad to have our home back.
Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear!
I am sure there are great au pairs around!
Agree with previous poster that it gives you lots of flexibility - I miss that sometimes.

Sounds fine. Au pairs generally don't do all the housework, ours does playrooms, kids rooms, tidies up after the in the kitchen and also does a big kitchen clean once a week. I also wouldn't have any of ours actually cooking for us, although they do for the children. But that could be something that you put in your job profile, some au pairs may like to cook for the family.

We now have a separate flat for our au pairs above the garage that is completely self-contained, so they only come for dinner once a week (usually Sunday roast, although current au pair quite likes looking through my meal plan and choosing whichever meal she fancies that week instead). Our first au pairs did live in the house with us though.

You need to choose someone that you actually get on well with in the Skype interview. If the conversation doesn't flow well then, it isn't going to in your house.

Give agencies a wide berth, you need to have a range of candidates and then choose one who you feel comfortable having in your home.

Make things very clear before she/he arrives. If you really want to have one/two day a week eating alone with your DH, make that clear from the beginning and she can just eat with the children that day. Write everything down.

I'd also recommend starting with a shorter placement, its very difficult to know exactly what works for a particular family before you try it. We had a short 3 month placement initially and it highlighted for us what did work and what didn't.

I've had five.

No 1- nice but lacked any initiative and did the bare minimum. Stayed 8 months and still keeps in touch now.
No 2- lasted 3 weeks. Lovely girl but utterly useless to the point of being dangerous.
No 3- horrible, unpleasant girl. Greedy, self serving and sneaky. Lied a lot. I should have sent her home. 5mths of hating going home.
No 4- lasted 2 weeks. Lovely, lovely girl but had an eating disorder. Had to insist she went home to get herself sorted out.
No 5- lovely, lovely girl. Reserved and liked her own company, and needed instruction but was pleasant, easy company. Stayed an extra three months so 9mths in total. Still keeps in touch.

So. A mixed bag. An au pair saved me childcare wise as I'm a singe parent. But having someone live with you all the time is draining, even if they are lovely. It's really a lottery. Good luck.

We stopped having au pairs nearly a year ago - I switched to school hours, and it was only school pick-ups and ferrying to activities that we needed help with, so we no longer needed one.

We loved the experience. We had 6 altogether, and although we've stayed in touch with some more than others they were, without exception, lovely girls who all took amazing care of our two DC. I feel like we were incredibly lucky to get 6 out of 6 great au pairs.

They all formed close, loving bonds with the kids, and we were sad to see all of them go.

Four of them I'm still in really close contact with, and imagine I always will be. We travel to Europe every couple of years and three of them have travelled from their home countries to visit us while we've been there (the other is already based where we went).

A couple of them had families come out and visit while they au paired with us (we live a long way from their home), and stayed with us.

Honestly, when the experience goes well, there's nothing like it.

My tips.

• vet your candidates well
• only interview candidates you're serious about.
• interview them (by Skype) - several times, if necessary. Include the kids in one of the interviews.
• be ready for homesickness - even tell them that they'll likely experience it, and that they'll also ride it out
• encourage them to get out and about in their free time, and to make friends
• treat them as you'd expect your own daughter to be treated, in the same situation. If you go by this rule, you can't go too far wrong.
• be grateful for everything they do. Say thanks. Give little gifts. Being appreciative goes a long, long way (looking after small DC is hard work)
• include them in your family
• respect their space (you will want your own space as well)
• provide them with clear guidelines and expectations, so that they know what they're supposed to do
• check in with them regularly
• make sure they know they can come to you about anything

I would - and do - recommend it to anyone. Now that we no longer have an au pair, we do love having the house fully back to ourselves. But while they were with us, it was never a problem. They were just part of the family.

Great post @TheDowagerCuntess. I second the fact that you have to treat them like your own. And understanding that they are alone, far away from home makes the relationship flourish. And if it isn't working out, send them home. It's your life and it's too short to make you and them unhappy.

Good bits:

• Freedom to go out, not missing films we want to see all the time, etc. For me, being able to go to after work events more easily, not having to dash home and being able to go for a drink sometimes
• More relaxed weekday mornings, as we don't have to do the kid wrangling
• Not having to faff around as much with childcare in school holidays
• The flexibility in general

Bad:

• Not having house to yourself, although that's pretty minor
• Finding new ones - we'd love one to stay a year, finding new ones has been quite stressful, especially at the moment... really need someone in 4 weeks!

Our au pairs so far:

• Spanish girl, 30 - got on with her, she was relaxed, nice with kids, very 'low maintenance' and was off with friends when we didn't need her. Didn't cook though, except when babysitting - we had asked her to in our au pair agreement, but I'm too much of a pushover to stress the point. Stayed 6 months as wanted to move on to a new stage once our agree time was finished
• Spanish lad, also 30 - didn't have as much in common with him, so we didn't have much to say to one another, husband wasn't keen on him. Not sharpest tool in the box. Was reliable and good with kids. Also out with mates when we didn't need him. Left a month earlier than 6 months originally mooted to help his sister with her business (gave his notice). On our last night together, I felt a bit bad that we hadn't got to know him better - I think he got a bit of a raw deal as he joined us at quite a stressful time when DH was jobhunting and it had gone on just a bit too long, and then lasted for another month before DH found work. He had a previous host family who adored him and only on that last night did I really see that humorous side of him that we hadn't really appreciated, and made a note to make more effort with future au pairs.

I wouldn't say we treat our au pairs like family, I think it works slightly better if the relationship is a bit more formal than that. We do treat them as I would want my daughter treated if she was an au pair living with a family abroad.

With regards to pay, again I think it works best if both sides feel as though they are getting a good deal. I'd ask what others pay in your area (or you can search on au pair world for people in your area) and then pay at least that.

Our 4th is about to arrive. We love having au pairs, it's the perfect solution for us and we've made some friends for life. My kids are 10 and 8. Two of ours have stayed 2 years each.

The advice above to treat like you would want your own child to be treated is spot on. It's not that I mother them, far from it, they are independent adults living with you, but I treat it like house share. Au Pair has her roles and responsibilities which are the standard, no more. my approach is that we all work as a team.

All good advice above re selection, one thing I've always done is to make sure our au pairs have done kind of hobby/interest that they can share with the DC. This has been a love of baking, and another did scrapbooking. The girl joining us this summer is an experienced kids football coach so DS is pretty excited.

Having someone live in is fine for us, our house is big enough and we are used to it. I've always encouraged the AP to eat with the DC (we eat later) that way we do have couple time in the evening over dinner and also I think the AP makes more interesting food for the DC when she's also cooking for herself. APs do eat with us over the weekend if we're doing something interesting (eg roast or bbq). At the start I invite out with us on the weekend, but also help them find friends and their own network. They are usually off with friends all over London within a couple of weeks. Finding friends is the key to them having a fulfilling stay I think.

Depends on the AP and your talent at recruiting!

When we started our APs worked alongside a nanny who I think covered for their limitations in organisational skills!

Pluses are if you have an unusual time table to cover you can generally agree this with the AP more easily than a nanny or a childminder. That's the main reason we use one.

We've enjoyed the social side - they've generally stayed a school year and we got to know all but one very well. I've had parents to stay, even a grandma! We have had much more success in terms of a happy family environment with younger school leavers whose families we've gotten to know a bit. Language skills are starting to come into their own with my older DD. The last one really helped with her end of year exam. The big sister role is finally coming into its own.

Cooking can be hit or miss even with a meal plan (but def try that.)

Cleaning also hit or miss but we don't ask for general housekeeping just notice when there's been a huge spill! Tidy up after meals etc. Anything else a bonus. I would keep your expectations low on that front!

I do know people who swear by older ones- esp if you need a driver. But they've not worked for us. Not sure about what they want from the year, bored with the role, harder to make friends their age. Just our experience. When I say older I mean plus 24-25.

I'd also aim for good English - you'll get to know them better more quickly. Like intermediate. The one we had whose English was really poor hid in her room and then went out and stayed with Spanish friends.

Eating with the kids in the week a good idea,with a catch up at the weekend.

Also encourage hobbies when they're here.

We have had more success with aupairs when the children were younger. Maybe there was more childcare, as opposed to housework, and the aupairs were happier and those that came genuinely loved children.

We have not had much luck the last 2 years (dcs are now 14 and 11). Aupairs are already thinner on the ground due to Brexit. The ones that come maybe choose older children because they think it is an easier life. They may not also have a clear idea what they want in life. Various issues with mental health (depression).

I tend to recruit in the 18-22 age range. The ones that work the best for me are gap year students or those who are ambitious who have something substantial to go back to their home country for. Their time in UK is limited and so they make the best of it. They may not stay as long (I would consider 6 months to be a decent length of time) but 6 months with a good aupair is heaven.

We don't use aupairs anymore after 11 years of having a succession of young ladies in our house. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I am so happy to have my house back and to have got out at the other end of childcare.

I think the good and bad bits depends on the Au Pair. I’ve now learnt that you need to make your expectations absolutely clear to ensure it works
For both sides. Our first au pair
Literally never helped with anything I.e washed up three times in her entire year stay and those times I asked her. On the plus side she was easy to get on with and it allowed me the flexibility with childcare that I needed at the time. But she was always glued to her
Phone which I didn’t like with the kids.

• 2nd au pair- I made it clear in the role description that I didn’t want phones being g used around the kids unnecessarily and that tidying (as if you were a family member) was required. She’s amazing and been such a huge help. I’ve learnt that you need to be clear on these things from the start! She is more dependant on us.

Its lovely having an older sister figure for the kids and I enjoy having someone around. But I can understand that others may not.

With older au pairs I think the advantage is that they will probably go off and do their own thing when you don't need them, so it's low maintenance. The downside is I suspect a lot of them, especially from countries where the economy is in the dumps, are ultimately looking for a foothold in the UK, so they're not likely to stay more than about six months or will go if they manage to get a job that pays enough for them to live independently.

My father ran off with ours 35 years ago ......

Echobelly, it is very true that many aupairs only do it because there are no jobs in their own country and so take the opportunity to aupair in UK to improve their English or until something better comes along.

I used the aupairworld website for 11 years. It is possible to see tell which countries' economy sucks at any time because there will be a surfeit of aupairs from that country. When I last looked 6 months ago, it was France ... previously Spain and Italy ...

If you'll need them to drive, go for at least 22 years old or the insurance will be prohibitive

From the other side, I was an au pair in America when I was 19 (20 years ago), and I still remember it as being a great experience. I would agree with Dowager's approach above. I was treated as a full member of the family, sort of like a young auntie figure to the kids. I did school drop-offs and pick-ups and babysat usually one evening a week. I was invited everywhere with the family at the weekend and in the holidays (I didn't always go when I had made friends), and it felt so welcoming.

We had a chore rota between me, hostmum and hostdad, so I did a third of the chores (kids were of an age to help with some things) and felt like an equal family member in that respect. I cooked a couple of nights a week, hostmum did the other nights, weekends were takeaways or eating out with the family (hostparents paid).
The key to it working is to see that "au pair" means "on a par/equal". You aren't getting a nanny or housekeeper on the cheap, but welcoming someone into your home to SHARE the chores of family life but also the nice parts of family life like the meals out and trips. Some of my friends had hosts who basically treated them like a cheap servant and didn't include them in meals, days away etc. They were the ones who usually had "problems" with their au pairs, e.g. lack of commitment, not staying long etc.