Do I have unreasonable expectations of this child?

[alison222]

A 5 year old child I look after after school continues to do things that from the other children I mind and form my own children I wuld not expect at this age . I would like your thoughts on whether my expectations are too high or not.

The child has to be constantly reminded to use cutlery otherwise even hot food with sauce would be eaten with hands. Food is crammed into mouth in too large mouthfuls so the child has to literally hold food there in order to chew, talks with mouth like this and then as a result spits bits of food around the table.

Stops walking down the road without any warning to pick up elastic bands - he is obsessed with collecting them. When you have 6 children along a busy main road this sort of unannounced stopping has the potential to cause us to be separated if the older ones don't notice and I feel I am constantly calling to them to stop because of this.

culdn't understand why I did not want him pulling up the grass and making bare holes in our very sad looking lawn.

He is otherwise very intelligent and confident and chatty and a sweet bout to look after but some days I feel the niggles take over in my mind although I am careful not to let it show

His parents do not see these sort of things as problems - in fact as harmelss indiosyncranicities to laugh over how I have a problem with it -

Anna8888

The flip side to having high expectations of children is that when they don't meet these standards, they can feel like utter failures.

Alison222

Your mindee is only 5, and may not have the physical capabilities that your son had at five. Plus, you may be insisting that your son use cutlery, but your son is nearly 2 years older than your mindee, and if you are going to use blanket rule4s, you need to pitch them at the lowest ability group - ie, your 5 year old mindee. If you pitch the rules at the 6.5 year old's ability level, you risk seriously upsetting him, and giving him a task he simply cannot manage, for the sake of keeping your rule.

It's not worth it.

DS speaks 3 languages, solves Y1 maths problems, recognised all letters being 2 years old. But at 4 he can not hold a spoon, a pencil, or anything with enough precission no matter how much time we have spent trying to help him develop his manual skills. So, my advice would be to focus on the positives and patiently wait/remind/insist in changing the negatives until he comes along.

Sorry but "He stops to collect rubber bands"

I'm thinking you had had a bad day indeed!

colditz - I know what you mean. But, on the other hand, if you don't have reasonably high expectations of children at home, then when they go into the outside world, they will feel like worse failures - it's pretty awful to be the only 9 year old in a class of 30 who can't tie his own shoelaces, wipe his own bottom etc

Probably the key would be to find out if he can do it before you put the pressure on. If you know he can, there's not so much risk of upsetting him.

That's a good idea ie finding out what he can do, so you can adjust your expectations accordingly. ould you have a fun challenge at next meal time and each child to put three spoon/forkful into their mouth get a star/sticker?

I had a child who ate with their mouth full,I never pressured him but his peers were less forgiving and woul tell him quite bluntly at meal times that he was putting them of their food! I didn't pressure him as I knew he didn't even have a table at home, and therefore it was a new experience to him to be eating sociably (sp?). He soon came around tho, and follow the other children's lead.

I have a mindee obsessed with rubber bands too! (He is ten) Although it is pesky to stop with lots of kids surely he isn't stopping for that long?

I would continue telling him about the lawn tho, this is an issue of him respecting your home and your house rules.

My dsc (9 and 13) used to eat with their mouths open. I used to remind them to keep them closed, but it didn't really work. What did was when I said to them, when you eat your food, this is what I see - and demonstrated chewing with a very wide open mouth. They have been a LOT better since!! As others have said, I think it has a lot to do with what the parents (or dh's ex in my case) expect at home... What you have described doesn't sound unachievable by a child of 5.

mumpbump - exactly the same issue with my stepsons (9, 12). Their mother (or rather their nanny, since that's who they eat with) has no expectations of table manners. My partner does the demo stuff from time to time when things get too bad. The battle is not won yet...

My DS(5) stops to collect rubber bands, dawdles around and will grab the scissor, trowel etc to "tidy up" the garden, dig holes etc. He is not actually allowed to do these things (the dawdling and collecting rubber bands thing drives me mad) he just does them. Some children just are like this - they have to poke at everything. We do lots of shouting but this is not probably the most effective technique for obedience training! With gardening having a designated children's portion of the garden can work (for making mud pies, weeding etc). The food thing sounds odd, but DS is also horribly clumsy at the table. I often give him a spoon rather than a fork with squishy things - maybe you could try this?

It's a slow process, isn't it, Anna??

I would expect a 5yo to eat with cutlery. For pasta and sauce I would provide a fork and spoon (they do in Italian restaurants after all), and for something like risotto. For shepherd's pie I would provide a knife and fork. I think this is reasonable. DS is 6 and is still learning about cutting his food up, but would certainly manage shepherd's pie easily.

mumpbump - oh yes . Fortunately my partner also thinks that his sons' mother/nanny/grandparents have too low expectations of them, so we are together on this one. But it's still a lot of hard work that sometimes I really don't think I ought to have to do...

Wow this moved on since I looked yesterday.

Mum has commented that they were so glad he ate evertyhing they gave him they haven't worried about how he eats it and hope that he will learn some table manners with me. Uh?

He is capable - very of using spoon and fork - just would prefer not to.

His teacher regularly comments on the fact she is sending him home covered in his lunch as he has had a messy time at school too.

I don't expect perfection by any means but an attempt to use the cutlery when he can would be nice. I just don't want to have to feel I am nagging at every meal.

Looney I have looked after him since September.

Thistle you are right. Bad day But I had by arms severely yanked by child stopping dead and crouching down to get rubber bands with skipping girls on other side whose momentum kept me going. He needs warning brake lights!!

I've tried the dirty thing with the rubber bands too. We have at least progressed from him chewing them to going in his pockets over the last few months though