Difficulty with au pair retention

[hibbledibble]

We have had 6 au pairs so so far. They were all recruited on the basis of staying at least a year, and I made this very clear to start of with.

One has stayed a year (and only I think because I held back a portion of her pay to pay as a bonus at the end of the year). The others have ranged from one week (couldn't cope), and 4/5 months.

I don't understand why this is the case. We do everything possible to make our au pairs feel welcome: buy food they like, items/furniture for their room. Pay well (£110/week), and don't have unreasonable expectations with regards to hours. Weekends always free and they can come and go as they please.

My current au pair has just given notice after only being here a few weeks. It's gutting as I just don't know what else I'm going to do. She says it's due to issues at home, but I'm unsure if this is an excuse.

Any ideas what we are doing wrong? We have always hired Spanish au pairs (due to language), and they have been aged 20-30.

I'm not sure if we will go back to having another au pair now. It's not a cheap form of childcare (especially considering what we could rent our spare room out for in London), and it is very stressful with recruiting, and constant need to give direction. The difficulty is that we need early morning childcare when nurseries aren't open.

If you're in a bustling city like London then it's very unusual for several au pairs to leave so quickly.

My children were 1 and 4 when I started recruiting au pairs. They provided wrap around care for nursery.

I don't think the age of your children or your location is the issue here. There is something else to do with your setup making them all consistently leave earlier than planned...

I'm really wondering what it is specifically, mainly so I can change it. They have a nice room (just done up again before our current au pair arrived, and previously decorated only 5 years ago), house is all newly renovated. I do my best to make them feel welcome. I don't know if it is because of my eldest, and she can be difficult, but this is more of an initial reaction to change.

I've asked my current au pair yet again if it was due to anything else, other than home difficulties that she was leaving, as I would like to know if so. She said it isn't, and her story does seem genuine. I can't help but feel that no one should be as unlucky as I have been, and others here agree.

It genuinely makes me want to cry.

I am talking to a nanny too, but in my previous experience finding nannies for 3 children has been difficult too.

I have the same issue and I only have one child, who is nearly 9.

They all use family issues as an excuse.

I have just hired another one who started yesterday..... told her specifically we only need her until mid August.

I do not want anyone from September when my daughter will be allowed to walk to and from school by herself.

So tired of having someone at home!!!

Vera I completely share your frustration. It is really difficult when your childcare arrangements are so unreliable, for both parents and children.

I am looking at other childcare options, as I really want to find something more reliable now. There is very little in my area in the way of nurseries or childminders though.

You don't sound as though you are doing anything wrong hibbledibble, you simply haven't had good luck yet. What is key to an au pair staying is their making friends. And that is out of your hands. Good luck to you.

1 is too young a DC to leave with an au pair, you say care of the baby is minimal but also that you need early morning care before nursery opens, which I assume is for the baby.

A childminder for the baby (instead of nursery) might be another option: many in London open early.

When I worked in childcare many moons ago I wouldn’t have wanted to have to get up, washed and dressed early and deal with getting a baby and two DC out to nursery/school, even if doing this alongside a parent!

I don’t think you’ve been particularly unlucky: high turnover is a known pitfall of this kind of childcare.

And it IS a low cost option relative to other options.

£130 isn't that much for London. Maybe £150 with a pre paid Oyster card because otherwise that can cost around £10 a day. That's £50 per week per child. Not a lot.

There are literally no nurseries or childminders available in my area for babies. I know that is rediculous, and hard to believe for London, but it is the case. I really wish it wasn't, and having been trying tirelessly bro highlight this to the local council.

Trust me, I would rather put my baby in nursery, rather than the current Mish mash of informal arrangements. It's simply not an option.

I'm an AP and I could give you dozens of reasons why au pairs leave their houses.
Most of the times is because with the time families start asking us to do more and more things (I've seen huge lists of tasks of my friends). Sometimes families lie to us about hours or don't pay on time (these are really huge reasons to leave).
Also it's difficult for the au pair the first month cause you are stressed trying to remember everything, you want to bond with the kids, make new friends, feel comfortable in the house... so you should be very supportive at the beginning. Also some of them may feel nostalgic far from home if they had never lived in another city or may not like London and it's not your fault.
For me the main problem is when the hostparents don't support the ap in front of the kids or are too soft with them (a couple of friends had problems with this). So the au pairs got tired trying to educate the children without help or support.
I believe that is an aspect that a lot of families don't talk about (You always talk about hours, tasks, rules...) but families never usually talk about how they want you to act about stuff and what they agree and not, Also the au pairs obviously never say if they think the parents should get more involved when it comes to their child's education.
situation 1 (real): au pair is giving breakfast to your kids and one of them cries cause she wants her mommy to feed her but she is old enough. the aupair says no but then the mum goes and feed her. Au pair authority 0!! also kids are fighting and the mum is just there standing up reading something. This kind of stuff has been really annoying for some friends.
I'm pretty happy with my family, I've been one year with them and I'm not moving out. The first month that I was here I fold some of my host mum's clothes and one day that I came from a picnic I found my clothes folded on my bed. Some little gestures are really nice. They always invite everywhere, order food for me, I watch shows with them on Netflix... But you are the one who has to bond with the au pair at the beginning think that everything is different for them. hope this is helpful for some of you. I am really happy with my hostfamily and I have a lot of tips if anyone needs them. xxx

Paula thank you for the au pair perspective. We do everything possible to make our au pairs feel welcome and back them up with the children. I understand it's difficult otherwise.

I give a tasks list and timetable in advance by email, so nothing is a suprise. Our latest au pair did very little of what we asked her (not too onerous tasks, eg children's laundry), so it definitely wasn't a case of adding more tasks then previously agreed

Have you considered offering your au pairs a slightly lower weekly wage but a monthly (or quarterly) bonus to improve retention?

roses we have done that, with our penultimate au pair, and it worked well.

I didn't do it with the latest, as I forgot to discuss it at the initial recruitment phase, and then thought it was too late.

Maybe just bad luck? I can't really advise yet, as we've only had one au pair so far who did her six months, and are half way through with a second.

I have had au pairs from various countries in Europe and I am sorry to say that the Spanish ones have been terrible, compared to Italian and eastern European.

Before anyone shoots me down in flames, I am now going to generalise the common denominators that made them not-great au pairs, and this is by no means a critique of all people from Spain :-/

1. Reason to come - the main reason seems to be a necessity to learn English for future work etc. The way English is taught in Spain is absolutely pants and they can barely speak but have tremendously fine written English and grammar. So not all of them are in it to live the au pair experience - it is for some seen as a necessary evil. They looked pained when they had to do any tidying or helping out. It was like having a teenager in the house.
2. Maturity - not sure that is the right word, but the Spanish au pairs we had were all aged 25-30 and you wouldn't know it. I think it is the norm to live at home until marriage and then move your mum in.
3. Food - this was a major problem for all my Spanish au pairs. They are used to eating at 10pm and hated our cooked dinners at 6pm. I was nearly bankrupted by one who insisted she could only eat serrano ham for breakfast.... Unlike Italians, they also didn't seem to be able to cook very much and had really poor diets. Maybe I was just unlucky...
4. Schedule - things seem to start a little later in Spain and the 7am start in my house was a challenge. i find it a challenge too but I didn't set the working day hours and school hours in the UK.
5. Culture - I did not realise this, but I found a certain level of extreme pride, bordering on arrogance, about their Spanish culture and they seemed to consider the British uncultured. If you live in a country full of what you think are morons and you can't speak the language, you will get frustrated.
6. Language - all my Spanish au pairs made friends for life..... Spanish friends only that is. This did not help the settling in and language learning.

I specifically exclude Spanish from my online search for au pairs now. I just cannot be bothered and my kids hated them all with a passion.

As I said, this is not a character slur on all Spanish, just based on my succession of multiple Spanish au pairs. By contrast, we have had great joy and success with girls from Czech Rep, Hungary, Italy and Slovakia.

Some of my au pairs scarper early though. They are meant to stay until summer hols start but shortly after easter they get itchy feet and often follow their flaky friends to do other things, like work on a beach. My current au pair wanted to leave early as she is going travelling, I said no, three weeks later and the people she was travelling with have made other plans and left her in the lurch. Lucky for her I didnt find someone else.

My update from below is ours left early again. For unfortunate personal reasons but we were in the middle of 'performance managing' her as I couldn't take it any more. People stereotype about Spanish au pairs in a positive way too - love children, kind , warm hearted. Conversely people are baffled why I we relied on Germans for so long and assume if course they're organised and timely. I mean- no more than anyone else, in my experience.

What both Spanish girls did share was a real diffidence about following instructions, even when i explained they pertained to safety etc. Or to prevent an issue arising that would cause me tremendous hassle or expense. This last one simply couldn't comply. I mean- it's my loved ones I'm talking about????!! Not a random request because I fancy it. But then again both of the girls were a bit older so I wondered whether it was more that than a nationality thing. I'll never know!

Our au pairs have generally stayed 4-9 months. Usually that's what suits them - it's hard to get anyone for a year. We do live in a boring suburb. So we've been through a lot - I think our current is our last, as my DDs are 14 and nearly 10. And she is one of the best - a French girl who is just so lovely!
Youngest wants to scooter to school now with a friend (its

I've said to my husband, no more after next year. I'm done. I'll re-organise my work schedule if I have to. There just isn't enough for them to do and they get lonely as everyone is out of the house for so long during the day. Invariably they seem to want to fill the time with things that are less than ideal from our perspective i.e. other jobs that might create admin hassel for us or firm commitments doing other things that means they're not free for example when the girls are sick so I have to take time off/work from home anyway. It's absolutely ridiculous to have someone living in my home with big restrictions on their time, not a goer. I've had enough, ultimately.