Family help vs nursery

[mandy1984]

all,

I go back to work in August after 12 months maternity leave and my head is all over the place about the best thing to do for my DS.

We have found a wonderful small nursery in a private home which is like a cross between a nursery and a child minders. I have no worries about him going there I’m just in two minds about how many days to send him.

I need childcare for 3 days so the plan was to send him for 2 days and then my mother and my SIL were going to have him for alternate weeks for the other day.

I’m now starting to have second thoughts about relying on family to have him and wondering if it’s best for him to have continuity and go to nursery for the 3 days. It would be nice to only have to pay for 2 days of nursery a week but we can afford 3 days without pushing ourselves to the limit.

Also, I must admit that while I’m fine with my mother having him, I’m struggling with the idea of my DH’s sister having him which I realise is very ungrateful of me but I worry about losing control of how he is being looked after etc. I also worry that going to my mum’s one week and SIL’s the next might be ‘shipping him around’ too much.

What are other people’s experience of juggling family help and nursery? Should I just forget the costs and send him to nursery for the 3 days to avoid these mixed feelings?

Thanks in advance x

Less muddy water with formal childcare for all 3 days so that your mum and SIL can be free to be Nana and Aunty with no ties (say this with a winning smile) You want them to see the child as a joy, a bonus, not slide towards a chore or a must. Etc.

Plus there are IRRESISTIBLE tax breaks for using registered care, via your employer, aren't there! (Maybe not but they won't know that)

I would use the nursery 3 days and ask your mum and sil to be your back up care for all the inevitable days he's off sick!

We do 3 days nursery (childminder when DD was smaller) and 2 days family. DD has never minded going to different places, and has benefited in the sense that nursery is busy and tiring, whereas days with GPs are quieter and more relaxing.

It works because I completely trust my parents and ILs to look after her. They don't do things the same way I do, but they love her and want her to be happy and safe, and we agree on the basics. MIL gives her way more juice and cake than I would, but respects that we're vegetarian and wouldn't give her meat, for example. DH and BIL are nice, well-adjusted adults, so I trust her ability to look after a child. If I didn't, it would be nursery all the way. It's worked well for us for 4 years with no problems, and DD has a brilliant relationship with both sets of GPs.

If you’re having doubts about using family help then don’t do it.

Just search all the posts on here about people who have who are unhappy!

It would be much harder to take your DS away from family once in a routine of going. You can give a ‘reason’ now why you want him to go to nursery. It’s much harder once you establish a pattern you’re not happy with.

I look enviously at people with unpaid family help... and then I remember the problems it can cause and am happy with my paid childcare!

Just to add you will have to let things go a bit. Whoever is caring for your child there will be things they do that you’re not happy with, even in a good nursery. But it’s easier with paid childcare to say something when you’re unhappy.

Definitely use nursery - tying to family can be a nightmare when they suddenly want to do something else or they are ill and you don't feel you can say no but it leaves you completely stressed about work etc. Why not say they can have alternative afternoons on one of the days you're off - leaving you free to pick up after a couple of hours x

Having used MIL for childcare 1 day per week (at her request, we didn’t ask) until DS started school, I’d say use paid childcare for all days if you can afford it.

Without meaning to sound ungrateful it was a pain in the arse. MIL going on holiday at short notice all the time and being a bit flaky was just not worth it in the end. If I could have put a stop to it sooner without upsetting her I would have.

Leave family free for babysitting if you want/need some at the weekend instead.

Definitely nursery and family as back up for illness. Family, even if they look after them the way you want them too, which they inevitably won't, can be a real pain, deciding to go on holiday etc. and leaving you to find alternatives.

It will also provide better continuity for your DS to do all of the days at nursery.

We do 2 days nursery and 1 day family and I really wish we didn't. MIL is unable to get DS to nap (I suspect she doesn't try) and she feeds him absolute rubbish. Also she sits in front of the TV all day and leaves him to play alone. It irritates me to no end but my DH says we can't take the day away from her because she adores DS.

If I could do it again, I would have only had nursery. Save yourself the frustration and don't make the same mistake I did.

Thanks everyone for your replies and for not making me feel ungrateful (even though I feel it)!

I guess the next step is to try and convince DH as he would rather have family look after him all the time to save money! But he's not the one who would have to deal with the fallout!

Show him this thread and tell him that we can assure him he’ll change his mind somewhere down the line

Your DC will love nursery and get so much out of it.

My MIL was the same as PP, TV and chocolate all day, never took him anywhere.

I'd save family for the days where he's ill, or when you are asked to work on other days. Or days when they want to collect him early, that sort of thing.

One problem with friends or families is the different expectations and ground rules having worked with may families using relatives for childcare there always seems to be issues around lo being allowed to do this with grandparents/aunts but not with mum or dad, being held in arms to sleep cuddles all day etc. and it can be a nightmare. One example the 3 year old who throws and screams I want to go granny's every time mum or dad say no and hearing "You don't love me granny does" and telling school " I love granny mummy isn't nice" heart wrenching stuff and all centring around rules like food, snacks and I want so I get.
You need to be super clear on what's allowed and all be in agreement its not unusual to have a verbal agreement on things that are then turned into a "shh don't tell mummy scenario"

Go paid for your own sanity!!!

This is also being discussed on this thread, albeit the OP is consider full time family childcare. Lots of opinions and experience on the pros and cons of family childcare.

In my own perspective, I'd rather deposit my child in a nursery/childcare centre. I don't want my child become a burden to my relative/fam.

If you know what's best for your child, either nursery or family.

It also depends on the culture, some culture prefer family care than nannies. Other than that I agree with donnaeastman. Just choose what's best for your child.

There are a lot of full time childcare centres and try visiting the other thread about pros and cons, just to be aware and knowledgable about them and their work system.

If you're doubting your family's capability of handling the kids then it'd be better to turn them into the childcare centres. Otherwise, family help is a good idea and less hassle.

I personally prefer a nursery because they teach something to the kid as opposed to the other where you don't learn anything. I would personally prefer this.

sandrajames - that's a very bold statement why assume anyone is incapable of teaching a child of this age? They do not learn phonics reading and writing in nursery they learn how to share, explore messy play, be creative, sit for stories, be independent in toileting and dressing, how to be social all the things called preparation for school. This can be taught by anyone who is motivated to do so willing to go out and do activities and happy to get messy at home along with the ability to say you try to do it, have a go and not automatically bend over and put shoe on and baby the child. So its about individual characters and interest not that they can only learn in nursery.
We are being sold a lie by government as a way of getting people out to work parents have been educating their children for years.

OP, I think it's best to use the nursery, OP, and then ask family for as hoc babysitting (if they're able to provide it every now and then). For example, if your mum doesn't work then you could ask if she might be able to take your child when they're sick and you and DP can't get all of the time off of work.

I use nursery four days a week and MIL on the 5th day. Personally I'd say DEFINITELY (!!!) take the 3 days at nursery and then you know you have a (fairly) reliable base to work from, and you can "use" family to top up around this either when they need to be off nursery if ill, or if the family member just wants to spend time with them. Your MIL/SIL can still keep your DC off nursery now and again, or you might get into a nice routine of them, say, picking up early from nursery one day a week. The issue with family care is that they might start to regret it and that builds resentment and/or you might find yourself left in the lurch if they want to take a holiday or wake up feeling too sick to take your child etc.

Basically unless money is a big factor or you have no whatsoever about family care, I'd go for the paid care and use the family care as a nice-to-have.