Nanny brings her own child - dilemma

[eskaybee]

Having a dilemma and would appreciate any advice. We have hired a nanny to look after our ten month old when I go back to work three days a week. She brings her three year old to work with her and there have never been any issues at all with this (according both to her and her two referees).

We have begun settling in sessions and I'm very concerned that it will actually be problematic. Her son was initially very quiet indeed but over the last three times we've been together (at their house and mine) he has become increasingly unsettled, crying and begging to go home, refusing to share toys or interact with my daughter, and refusing to interact with my partner and mother (grandma). Various things about his behaviour suggest that he feels he will have more attention if he still behaves like a baby. The last visit was dominated by trying to calm and entertain him while my dd played alone and I tried to take a step back and watch what happened. I'm genuinely sympathetic to his needs and feel he must be going through a difficult phase (he will start nursery part time in a few months and has never been looked after my anyone but his own mother), but increasingly reluctant to believe this situation can work out especially as my dd is likely to need a lot of help going to sleep for naps. The nanny herself is brilliant (this is really my dilemma!) and making a good go of it but understandably has focused on keeping her son calm.

Has anyone had a similar situation play out well or badly?

I'd leave them alone to get on with it for a bit and then re-visit the issue in a few weeks (it may no longer be an issue by then). There may well just be too many adults for her son to get used to. Its going to be settling in for both children.

It may well be that it doesn't work out, but if you're happy with her as a nanny its work a try and is cheaper than a sole care nanny. It didn't work for me personally, I had three children the two times we tried it and another child added to the mix was completely chaos. But I know two friends who have a NWOC and save an awful lot of money, whilst still having the benefit of childcare in their own home.

I don't know if you're aware, but she's not allowed to look after your son in her own home though, without being a registered childminder. It can only be in your own home.

I'd give it a while too. My children could be super tricky on odd days at 3. 90% of the time they were lovely quiet, content and would have loved spending time with a baby.

I think I would weigh up how much more expensive/how difficult it would be to find a nanny just for your dd. Her son may have been fine in the past but he is older now and may have different needs.

underneaththeash thanks, I had no idea she couldn't do it in her own home as well so that's useful. What went wrong when you tried it? Sheer numbers? I have to say we live in a smallish flat and it feels more crowded here than I imagined it would when they're here. When he cries it's very audible everywhere and given he currently can't be parted from his mum for a minute I can't imagine how she'll be able to focus on getting my dd to sleep. What are the age gaps for your friends' children and the nannies' children?

Roseandmabelshouse yes that's what I imagined he'd be like, but three consecutive times now he's needed to be encouraged to play with her, has refused to let her touch her own toys, and has been angrily shouting down conversations his mum is having that aren't with him.

Didiusfalco yes that's my other option and I'm reluctantly considering it!

I've tried talking a step back and just leaving them all to it while I'm in another room but he cries then as well (and then so does the baby) and I really think I should feel more comfortable leaving them by this stage. Unfortunately if I give it much longer and it doesn't improve I'll be rushing to find someone at the last minute and I'm not keen on that.

I should add for context that each session has been two hours tops and he was upset for the duration of the last one, from five minutes after coming in.

As they have to come to your home I would stick to that the LB is then going to have to get used to your home and presumably nanny will need to bring suitable toys and activities for him as a 10 month old wont have anything of interest. Its pretty unsettling getting used to a strange environment and someone new to share mummy with let alone having strange adults around.
I would sit down and talk to nanny about your fears and see how she plans to get around it, if she's thinking she will take baby back to hers all the time she cant do this (an odd visit is okay but not as a longer time thing or regularly). If she's as good and experienced as you think she should be able to tell you exactly how she thinks things will go and how it will be managed but may feel uncomfortable being watched which could make it harder for her (we all cringe when our children are playing up let alone in front of our boss). In theory its no different to having a child of your own as a childminder and then taking on a baby you have to meet the needs of all children and not put yours first.