Childminder dismissive

[Freya4711]

I've 2 school age children attending child minder for roughly a year and while she was never the warmest person, I've has no issues. Now my 8 year old is coming home with a litany of complaints..too many rules, not enough food and her own 2 year old is at him all the time and she doesn't discipline him. He's suddenly shot up and is hungry all the time at home anyway but I think she's giving him same portion size as 5 year old. And I was there today when he was crying after being hit and she was fairly dismissive. Maybe she sees him as a big boy compared to hers? But I find he's even more sensitive and emotional these days and we've had to help him a lot with self esteem. 5 year old came out crying last week too but may just have been tiredness, tho I did get a tirade on the way home. There was an extended break over Christmas so maybe just settling back..how do I raise this without her taking offence?

Can you just ask her? Just say something along the lines of.. DS has really shout up over the holidays and has been eating bigger portions now, almost as much as me! Would it be possible if he could have slightly more at dinner time. Also he’s being very sensitive at the moment. Would it be possible if he could do something away from X as he gets upset when hit. Hope you have a nice weekend etc

Mention that your children seem unsettled and ask if there's anything that you can do together to help them settle back in. Is it agreed that she gives them tea? Can you ask her to increase it or ask if you can send an extra snack for him as he's 'having a growth spurt and always hungry'.

Yes it's agreed she gives them tea some days, I was kinda not asking as I had a minder before who totally overfed them! Their appetites can vary so much and she can be a bit literal. I can address that easily enough, it's more really about her not discipling the toddler which I find harder. I mean he's 8..she prob thinks he should just get over it. But he's been told not to bring his own toys or sit on couch away from him (has to play in floor), or sit on stairs with his book...

But he's been told not to bring his own toys or sit on couch away from him (has to play in floor), or sit on stairs with his book...

I think you definitely need to talk to her about appropriate ways for your 8 yr old to entertain himself. Why can't he sit on the couch with his book? That would seem utterly reasonable and no trouble to her.

And yes, also about how to react when hit by the toddler. Perhaps a tactful way to put it is that he doesn't know how to stop the little one hitting him without hurting them, it's worrying him and what would she like him to do?

Unless there are good answers quickly though, it is sounding to me like the minder may not be managing well with the mix of ages. Does she mind any other older children? Hopefully she just hasn't thought properly and you can sort it out between you.

Sounds pretty horrible for your son, OP. Sit on the stairs with his book? No wonder he is upset .

That was my concern, that she isn't catering for older child needs..he'll still rough and tumble on the floor or play with cars, but he also wants time to immerse himself in a book or maths puzzle. The sitting on the stairs was his effort to get out of reach! He's like me and I spent many an hour as a child hiding from my 3 younger brothers behind a book lol. I'll have to talk to her and make it more about his needs then any failure on her part...fingers crossed!

And No, she doesn't mind other older kids and her own are still young.

With the food issue, is he eating everything she gives for dinner? I'm a childminder and I look after a few fussy eaters. They will quite often eat only a tiny bit of what is served up so I do expect they say they are hungry to their parents when they go home. It isn't because I'm not feeding them enough though - they are choosing not to eat it. If he is eating what is served and is still hungry could you provide him with some extra snacks he could have such as fruit, crackers etc? Alternatively, if he is eating loads and is still hungry you might suggest offering an extra contribution towards the cost of providing a bigger portion for him. Alongside my picky eaters I also have children who would happily eat everything in sight from the moment they arrive until they leave. If I didn't limit what they ate with me the cost of their food would be more than the fees paid to me!
The no toy thing is odd though. Has there been problems with lost or damaged toys from home? Perhaps the stairs is his quiet place away from the 2 year old.
You need to have a chat with her just to find out a bit more.

I care for a couple of 8 year olds and they are so different to each other. One is rough and tumble, one is quiet. One could eat a 3 course meal every hour and the other just snacks. However, they both need time every so often just to be alone.

If she doesn't have children this age, she may not understand how different they can be.

I'd start with a friendly chat about your son's needs and then see how you feel after that.

I would ask how much he's eating and when Boys in particular but some girls too tend to go though about 15 years of eating you out of house and home maybe provide a box of a healthy cereal and bottle of milk for top ups along with fruit?
if her tea time is 4.30 to 5 ish he's going to need another supper before bed as he gets older....would you go from this time to 7am without eating? so that maybe part of the issue.
Or as someone has said he may just not be eating her food, many kids wont as they know they will get snacks later or just don't like it (even if they haven't ever tried it sometimes)....one reason I gave up doing food.

Activities - at this age younger children can be a pain and there can be lots of moaning and grumbling going on if the cm isn't used to older children she may not know how to amuse them. Ask her what toys etc she has for an 8 year old if there are not enough maybe suggest that you could bring something like Lego, puzzles etc on Monday for the week and that he either has a safe area to do it or is at the main table....commonly this age only want to play on ipads, consoles or phones but that doesn't go down well with Ofsted and may not be allowed in her setting.

The 2 year old.....it may be that she is trying to encourage your child to use his words and solve conflict Id have a word about what she would like him to do if the 2 year old is hurting, snatching etc. and how she is going to support him in this as others have said its not acceptable that the 2 year old is upsetting your child but it is a fine balance of trying to encourage speaking up and stepping in I let my older ones use their words and then back them up.
Your child needs to be happy and if it doesn't improve I would maybe look elsewhere even if its an after school club for him and leaving your younger child there.

I like tactful way of asking how the cm wants your ds to deal with the 2 year old a good one. I think that would come across in the best way. You do need to address the issues though. It isn’t fair on your ds not to sort it out.

I’m a cm and find it quite hard to deal with the different age groups, although this has got easier since my own dc have got older. This may be the problem for your cm, but she does need to sort it out if she is going to continue to care for older ones (my solution was to not have older ones until mine were all older)
The food thing, what is she feeding them? The local after school club offer tea and I’ve often heard parents complaining their dc are hungry when they get home. The expectation of tea was a full meal and actually they are given half a sandwich and a drink. Check you are on the same page but it might be your ds needs to have an extra snack when he gets home. My ds often does in the evening.

Im Struggling to see a reason she won’t let an 8 year old sit on the sofa to read his book though, that’s really odd.

Could the sofa be that your eldest was jumping around and not sitting on it so was on that occasion told to get off (as in you've been asked to sit on it nicely your not listening so now get down) on that one day and your child has chosen to say I cant sit on the sofa as a permanent thing rather than tell you why on that day they couldn't? Ive told mine before that as they keep jumping and standing they now have to get off and sit on the floor its only for that time as a treat it with respect or don't use it thing not every time hence forth.

I do have one 8 year old who regularly comes out of school miserable, hates this or that teacher starts cursing about them says its not fair etc...and when you get down to it involves stuff like the teacher saying you didn't do enough work, or I know you are really good at this but today you didn't give it your best.
If another child tries to tell me something he shouts at them makesfun of them and when I say he needs to stop the strops go on for hours and I'm not being fair she ruins everything its not me etc....when it was actually him teasing the life out of her.

Thanks for all your advice, I will certainly raise this with her now that I have a better idea how to approach it.