Really need some advice/help

[Klio]

My ds has just turned 1 and I am having all sorts of problems with him and childcare. The terms of my maternity pay meant I had to go back to work for a minimum of 3 months after my maternity leave. So i had him enrolled and settled into a very nice nursery and was very confident in the staff, etc... as I have lots of friends who use the same nursery. However for some reason he would not settle and would just cry the whole time I was away, sometimes so badly that they would call me and I had to go and get him. So after three months of trying to settle him (before you ask he was there for a maximum of 18 hours a week and some of those weeks I was with him to try and get him to settle) he was asked to leave as they were worried about him. To be honest so was I and ready to take him out.

So I have tried a childminder who is caring for him on a one to one basis but the same is happening and he is crying the whole time I'm away. The longest I've left him is 2 hours and I come back to find the CM looking exhausted. So she is refusing to have him and I don't want him to be there and be unhappy.

So I'm back to square one in many ways now. I have no care currently and I have been thinking about a nanny for him. The thing is I have no experience in these things at all and don't know where to start. He is a lovely happy and confiendt boy but seems to get very unsettled in unfamililar environments when he is left. At home he is very happy to be left with people he hardly knows (for example my aunt who came to visit for the day and looked after him for an hour).

I am just so miserable at the moment as I feel that I am doing something wrong that is making ds so unhappy. Has anyone been in a similar position and can offer me any advice or reassurance. I would be grateful for anything.

Klio, how hard this must be for you. It is a difficult age to leave a child as he sees you as his main carer and is resistant to any one else taking your place.

He will settle, but it will take a little while, leaving him for short periods of time. he doesn't understand that you will come back. leave him with something of yours, and tell him that it is precious to mummy and she will come back for it and him together.

He needs lots sof reassurance, cuddles etc from his carer. I am a childminder and it does take a while, but I always make sure that I have plenty of time to just sit with a new mindie on my lap with the other children playing, getting them to interact with him, show him things, talk to him, whilst having that security of a lap.

Good luck

The exact same thing happened to a friend of mine with her little boy - you are not alone!! She chose to quit work - sorry I don't mean to scare you. There must be other solutions than this if you want to go back. If you do quit, my feeling is it shouldn't be for this reason alone (but that's another subject).

You say that he settles with people he knows. Would your employer agree to you working from home for a while? I was thinking what may work is for you to be there with the carer for some time, so you are working but he gets to know the person in his own environment. Then you could shift back to days in the office. This does mean a nanny though.

Sounds like a nanny would be your best bet. Familiar surroundings etc.

Is trying another childminder a possibility? Someone perhaps who cares for another child of a similar age, so that your ds has a companion.

A nanny will cost of lot, which is a big negative I feel, when a nanny is only to care for one child. However, your ds does appear happy when he is in the familiar suroundings of home, so a nanny may be your best option to keep him content. But I wouldn't rule out a childminder at this point, as childminders vary and you may find another one who copes better and who cares for other children so your son has conpanions to play with, which can help him last through the day without crying for you.

Yes - I have had four children come to me two from other childminders and two from nursery as they have not settled.

I can't really explain what I did, but we started with being left for 30mins - child being able to see mum in another room, to being able to see mum in car outside, and did it that way.

Another way is to get dad or granma to do dropp off etc a few times.

Totally agree with nannynick that a child of a similar (or a tiny bit older) would be great.

Has your little boy been left much with anyone else, family and friends?

For a child under one I would try another childminder!

Good luck, I am sure you wil lfind the right person / nursery