Advice please

[Hmarie2017]

Hi everyone,
My lb is 18 months old and I recently decided to put him into a child minders two days a week so I can work. He started 2 weeks ago, (after meeting with the wife, husband and assistant twice beforehand) his first day went really quite well by all accounts but now he cries every time I drop him off, the childminder suggested for him to go 3 days a week instead of 2 to get him to settle in quicker. I was happy to give it a go but he is still crying and having an awful time whilst he's there, I can tell he's been crying all day when I pick him up as he has bags under his eyes and just looks extremely upset.
Basically my question is how long exactly should I give it until I decide it's not going to work with this childminder? It's the first time I've left him with someone who isn't family so it's killing me to think he's having such a hard time- I know part of it comes down to separation anxiety but I feel awful allowing him to be so upset for 3 days, help!!
Would a nursery be better?

It’s all still quite new. 2weeks x 2days means he’s only been there for 4 days. That’s very very early days. Please give you all longer to settle in. At least 6 weeks.

Had a similar thing with my son. I knew he'd been crying as when he slept he was sobbing. I pulled him out and put him in a nursery last week. He's much, much happier.

I had this with my first CM for my daughter. I pulled out on the second day. Moved her to a different childminder and she was fine. The second childminder was busy, messy with a large house in the country. Kids outdoors playing in all weather, loads of activity and play. First was an immaculate 'cold' house, deathly quiet. I was much younger and didnt trust my instincts

Thanks ladies it's great to hear different point of views. This week will mark his 7th time with them and after dropping him off yesterday he was the same, crying and pulling to get back to me so I imagine this Thursday and Friday will be the same 😞
He clearly has separation anxiety from me which is just awful for him and I don't feel the child minders are doing much to help comfort or support him as they don't tell me what they have done to keep him calm or distracted. I don't know if it is a compatible match between them and my lb but what I don't want to risk is moving him to someone different and him having this exact problem because it means another change for him. I really don't know what to do

Do you get a daily diary of what he has been up to that day? What they did? What he enjoyed doing? I would give it 4 weeks. Usually either party can take the wee one out without any notice period during the first 4 weeks. Maybe even ask to speak to the childminder about how things are going? Ask for her opinion on how things are going? I am surprised she isn't sending you photos throughout the day (particularily whilst he is still settling in/new there).

As a user of childminders/nurseries rather than a childminder myself - I personally wouldn't be too concerned about upset when dropping off/picking up (although I know it's horrible as a parent) but would be more interested in how long it takes him to settle after you've gone. Could you phone a couple of hours later to see?
Is he napping there as much as home? If he's not getting his normal amount of sleep he could be more unsettled and look more upset round the eyes when you collect.

Yes I will occasionally get photos of him which does help to put me at ease and he has started napping there now.
He is their youngest child so I think they may be out of practice on how to deal with a toddler with separation anxiety so I am thinking to speak with them Thursday morning to see how they can deal with it. If they can't then I guess I'll have to find someone who can?

I think your asking a lot for lo to be settled on leaving (or even through the whole day) after just 4 days or even 7 now....its not even consecutive days. Did you do many settling in sessions before starting properly?
I would have a chat to your child-minders ask them how they are supporting lo and how the day goes is the periods of happiness getting longer etc.
Separation anxiety at this age is normal and the point of having one person to hand over to is to help this unless your suggesting something is not right with the childminder moving to a large setting with several different adults and staff that are not always free to hand over to is not going to ease this your child may well be one of many unsettled children on drop off all needing a key worker who may already be busy soothing another child.

@jannier he had 2 settling in sessions while I was there, obviously on those occasions he was fine. He's never shown any indication of separation anxiety as the only people that have ever cared for him are me or family.
As a first time Mum, I honestly thought he would love going somewhere new with older children to play with, toys and outings which is part of my reason for putting him in to child minders so this has come as a massive shock to me as he is usually a very sociable happy baby always on the go so I truly thought he wouldn't have these issues

It's very normal at this age for them to be upset as you hand them over and then be fine - to be honest it would be more surprising if he was totally happy to be left when he hasn't been going for long. Generally I've found it best to be quite brief and matter of fact about it, reassuring him you'll be back later and handing him to them to be comforted and quickly going, rather than drawing it out.

Like someone said upthread - a nursery could potentially be worse in terms of dropping off a child who is not sure and liable to get upset.
I found it so difficult and upsetting when I was using a nursery and there wasn't a consistent person to hand my upset child to or sometimes no one that was free at all because they were understandably busy wth other children. There were sometimes agency staff there and one of them said 'what's her name again?' Which doesn't feel great when you're entrusting your child to them!

I feel a lot happier now with my child being able to form an attachment to 2 consistent carers.

Maybe you're right and this isn't the childminder for you and your son but I would base the decision on him being upset being left after such a short time of going.

Sorry, I meant I wouldn't base the decision on that

I've seen children dropped off many times over the years as my mum was a childminder when I was growing up. As pp has said keep drop off brief. The sooner you leave him the sooner he can settle into the day with the others instead of clinging to you for comfort. Often when babies and toddlers were upset on drop off (even months into attending the setting) they are happy and smiley before the parent has got out of the garden gate! They like to pull on your heart strings don't they!

Yes ask your minders about how they feel he is settling but not at drop off! You say settling in sessions but with you there isn't really the same thing. The first time you left him was for a full session which may help explain the anxiety on the second drop off and since. I agree with your minder that you may find with 2 days a week you have more settling issues with your ds as he has 5 days with family which will be more 'normal' to him. Consecutive days with the minder would also help.

Unless he is not settling at all all day, and the minders won't want this any more than you do, I would leave it another month or so and keep asking the minders how he's doing. They will have been here before and know what they are doing. Obviously it just may not work out but Im not sure you've been there long enough to tell yet.

If he's not settling at all in the day I would do a step back in setting up visits that can be leaving him for short times cherry quick goodbye and return an hour or so later then build it up the Lo feels less abandoned and knows you come back.....a day is a very long time if your not used to being left.
Id also practice this at home even if its just popping to a shop for 5 minutes he needs to accept you go but also come back.

If he settles in the day with maybe brief upsets then Id just persist with an upbeat happy quick goodbye....hand over bag and child kiss see you later shut the door, no one more hugs as this draws it out.