CM Club - Baby started today, mum in a state, how can I make her feel better??? :-(

[looneytune]

Some of you are aware that I had a lady with a baby round who wanted adhoc care, only to decide she wanted me 2 full days on contract at double pay for 1:1 care.

Well, baby came at 9.30am and at 10.10am I had an email from the mum saying she was in tears before she even pulled off the drive and hasn't felt better since so is coming at 1.30 to collect her instead of 5.30pm. The poor thing is in a state about leaving her little baby (8 weeks) - totally understandable.

She wants to pay me until July (as originally agreed) as she doesn't want to loose me in case she does decide to continue with the days. In the meantime, it looks like although I'm getting full pay, she will only use me part time, if at all.

I just feel so sorry for this lady. She had a terrible birth, has had 2 blood transfusions since and has just admitted that she didn't bond with her baby and just felt 'responsible' and 'tense' BUT now baby has started smiling, she's getting THOSE feelings of bonding which is GREAT but it's making the handing her baby over so much harder. She's now feeling like baby is so young to be left with another carer which I TOTALLY understand.

BUT, she's paying me and I feel bad but she doesn't want me to give the spaces away. What can I do to make her feel better? I've already given her info on PTSD as I'm certain she's got that! She was very grateful and I think she just likes to have people to talk to. She's also new to the area. What else can I do to help/reassure her?????

Wow, that is a very hard position to be in. I would just say to her that you understand how she feels, and that you are here for her to use when she wants to/needs to.

And that the baby was great, happy etc - tell her how content baby was and that she is in good hands.

Poor lady, and poor you!

God, poor woman. Are there any local support groups you could suggest or other mums she could talk to? Has she gone back to work?

Maybe suggest building up to full days slowly starting off with a couple of hours, and text her alot tell her to phone once an hour, just anything you can think of to reassure her, I know its nosey but why is she leaving her at 8 weeks has she had to go back to work?

What about getting her to contact these

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

Could she spend time with you on the days she doesn't have to go to work. Sort of 'settling sessions'. Would have to be limited and structured to keep a professional relationship but I think she needs to break in gently to leaving her child.
I really feel for her You're being very caring and understanding, she is lucky to have found you

I think the idea of regular contact by text or call is a wonderful idea. Likewise the building up a few hours at a time and perhaps (if it suits you) getting her to stay with you and care for her baby together for an hour before she goes and leaves you together. IMO I think she's extremely lucky to have you. You seem to be incredibly kind and empathetic and will no doubt help her enormously as you clearly see this as a partnership. Good for you

DO YOU HAVE A DIGITAL CAMERA- SEND (whoops sorry), home phtos (just on normal typing paper) of the baby in your care each session. DS3's childminder does this and I love it.

You could email her pics through the day?

Don't feel bad about the money - easier said than done but she is taking up what is tecnically 2 spaces so must be able to afford or she wouldnt do it.

Wow, thanks for all the replies so quick I did tell mum when she left that she can phone me ANY time and not to worry about me thinking she's ringing too much. She's emailed a few times and texted a couple (said didn't want to blubber down the phone ). I've done my best to reassure her and said I think not having the usual settling in periods didn't help (as my ds was really poorly when it was due and neither could do any other time before today). She's not gone back to work as such but is working from home. She has a good job which I presume pays some sort of bonus etc for going back early??? Or maybe it's because she thought she wanted to work as soon as now? She did say she didn't think she was cut out to be a SAHM when we met but I was worried that it was too soon to make those decisions.

Right from the beginning I've told her that I think she could have PTSD and given her links to websites, healers etc which she was very grateful for. I just think it's too soon for her as she's just building up a bond with her baby.

I wish I could email/print photo's today - this is what I would normally do but unfortunately, she's taken the permission forms to sign today whilst I have baby so at this moment in time, I'm not allowed to take photo's of the baby.

Now I know she's not so strict with times for working, I will suggest she stays with me or at least do regular short sessions even if I'm not required as such. She also found it hard getting them both ready this morning as it was an earlier start to her usual routine. I will say I'm very flexible on hours (apart from at nursery drop off/pick up time when they go back)

I really feel this poor lady needs to sort herself out aswell, even if she doesn't use me. There's more to it all than just leaving her baby (although that's enough in itself!)

As for why she's leaving her 8 week old. I'm not 100% sure. The other baby I have started at 7 weeks, settling in at 5 weeks. She was 4 weeks prem and mum couldn't wait to get back to work. Everyone is so different, I've learnt that from this job!!!

i text from the child thru day, and email pics on an evening..parents love the texting

Would it help the mum if she could stay with you aswell for a couple of hours and do something together (play at home, toddler group, going to the park) then go home for a couple of hours to get some work done before comming back to collect baby.
I know it might be hard for you having mum there aswell but she might she it as good support. Then time could be increased where the baby is left with you.

'see it as good support'

Thanks mumlove, will be suggesting that when she comes. She's just been to a counselling session and will be now be collecting at usual time unless she feels she needs to come early. She said she knows baby is in good hands and because she keeps changing her mind about work/not work, she's decided to keep using me when she wants, just for a break to sort her feelings etc. I've reassured her she's not messing me about and she said she's got the money so I'm not to worry about being paid and not having baby So, I will chat to her tonight and see what we can both sort out/agree on.