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Am I doing something wrong?

7 replies

anxiousnanny · 09/04/2007 19:03

My employer told me last week that she is "very uncomfortable" that her daughter "prefers" me and not her. I have looked after her daughter for over a year now. My employer is a SAHM, and I have 11 years experience. I never usually work for a SAHM but this job fell into my lap and I am generally happy. Or at least I was til last week. Now there is a definite atmosphere (negative) and I can see now that my employer is very jealous of the relationship I have with her daughter, who is a toddler. I am finding it hard to do my job as I feel guilty all the time that the daughter does indeed want me a lot of the time, but I cannot force her to go to her mummy. My employer has started using tactics to get her daughter away from me, effectively making me the baddie. It's getting to the point I actually feel very uncomfortable. I am a loving, enthuseastic, experienced nanny, and have not had this problem arise (at least not openly and to the extent it has reached now) before. I have always shown my charges a lot of love, through cuddles, stories, songs, activities, and a routine of consistent care. Now I feel terrible, as it has obviously affected my employer. I have tried reassuring her that her daughter doesn't really prefer me. But the atmosphere is now very tense, and her attitude towards me particularly in public has gone from openly friendly and appreciative to quite hostile and she ignores me a lot of the time. I am wondering if it is time for me to move on. I want to talk to the dad about this, as maybe he can talk to the mum. I am a good nanny with great references and am now feeling lower self esteem and greater insecurity as I am with my boss all day every day and I can't seem to do anything right, her daughter obviously loves me and I try to encourage her to go to her Mummy but you can't force a toddler to do something! Someone please help, before I go mad with worry about how to deal with this

OP posts:

Aloha · 09/04/2007 19:05

Poor you. I think it's time to look for another job. How sad that someone who wants a full time nanny even though they don't work should be so petty and jealous.


Tinker · 09/04/2007 19:07

Yes, I'd think about moving on. Sad that she doesn't seem to realise that this is a good thing


compo · 09/04/2007 19:08

I agree with Aloha. It seems a strange set up to go out and about with your employer anyway. Does she have more than one child? Do you spend all your days together?


WanderingTrolley · 09/04/2007 19:09


You are unhappy and you don't think your situation is going to improve.

Don't bother speaking to the child's father, just make your excuses and go.


anxiousnanny · 09/04/2007 19:12

Thats the thing Tinker, I have always had my employers in the past expressing how grateful they were that their children loved me. I have never wanted to replace a parents love, just add to it. So I have worked hard to make all my charges lives fun, secure and loving. Thats my strongest talent if you like, developing great relationships with my charges. I have never had this be a BAD thing, and now it is to my current employer and I am having the hardest time dealing with it. It's like being told your personality is terrible after years of having lots of compliments on it. I don't want to move on, but I cannot see a way to improve this situation as it is my bosses opinion that I cannot change. It is sad

OP posts:

anxiousnanny · 09/04/2007 19:17

Compo, she has 2 children and is an older parent. The daughter is very clingy to me alot of the time, and the son is cuddly but definitely more of a mummy's boy. The mum expressed a desire to go back to work when I started a year ago, but nothing has come of it, so 80% of the week we are together. Everyone else says how lucky they are to have me etc etc but the Mum is not happy with me being so close to her daughter. What a yucky situation. I wanted this job to be my last, as I hoped it would work out for years to come. Now I am thinking I will have to come back to the UK (I work abroad) and start all over again.

OP posts:

keepingcalm · 09/04/2007 20:15

As a parent I would feel delighted with bond you have developed with her my daughter, and given the length of time you spend with the children it?s hardly surprising. Does mother not have her own quality time with her daughter when you are not around? If you do go to the dad for advice mum may feel you are going behind her back will not appreciate the reasons why you are doing this.
If you think its worth it, the alternative would be a ?last attempt? and lay your cards on the table up front and honest about how you feel. I would avoid saying ?toddler prefers nanny' let mother draw on her conclusion. This may be risky and will need to be handled carefully. If they are reasonable people the thought of loosing a ?great nanny? be the prompt to sort this out. good luck

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