concerns about CMs own son

[Lovage]

I've found a childminder for my 10 month old who's great except her own 2 1/2 yr old has been quite hostile to my son both times I've seen them.

The first time he kept taking toys off him and threw a few at him and I thought she dealt with him very well -told him not to do it and then a few minutes later gave him a cuddle as reassurance. She said he was tired and I thought that was fair enough. Today he threw more toys, took toys off him again, generally acted unhappy at his presence and once kicked at his head (thankfully missing). She didn't handle it so well -told him not to but didn't really sound like she meant it (she didn't see the kick).

I said to her that I was worried about her son's behaviour towards DS (didn't mention the kick, wish I had) I said I think I can see why he acts like this - she's only been a CM since Nov so he's obviously still getting used to the idea of sharing his mum. There's another mindee but she's 3 so can stand up for herself and I wonder if the fact my LO's a boy too makes him more threatening as 'mummy's new baby boy'. She said she was aware of this and that she wouldn't leave them alone together and that she would 'time out' her son if he did it. She said she was sure he'd get used to my son and that he's fine with the other (girl) baby she looks after.

Her son goes to preschool one afternoon out of the 2 days DS would be with her and from Sept will go both mornings, so he won't be around all the time.

Do you think this sounds within the normal range of a childminder's own children getting used to new mindees? I was encouraged that we managed to talk about it in an honest and friendly manner. But I worry about whether his attitude to DS will change. Is there anyway I can make it more likely that if after a few weeks / months he's still hostile, she will tell me? Cos her interest is going to be in it being fine cos she'll want to keep the job (unless DS is a nightmare!)

I haven't been able to find another childminder I like half as much and the only other alternative is a nursery at twice the price (and I want him to get to know one person, so really want a CM)

Any thoughts from CMers or childminder-users much appreciated!

I can completely see where you are coming from. I am quite lucky that my own small son isnt jealous of mindees as he has an older sister so doesnt get my full attention anyway. Have you got enough time to have a couple of maybe 2 hour trial sessions to see how he behaves with her on his own? It may just be that as you and her were talking that he was just trying to get attention, but anyway you need to sort it out now and not go ahead and be worrying about it all the time. The most important thing for me is that the parents go away happy and the children are happy to let them go!!! I am a CM btw, best of luck

My own youngest ds was a similar age when I first started muinding and whenever any parents visited he was totally guaranteed to display the most challenging behaviours of any normally developing 2yr old.

He would never ever sit and play nicely with anything when there was an interesting audience and mummy's buttons to push.

I don't think he put anyone off but I wouldn't have been surprised if his behaviour hadn't worried some parents - especially first timers.

He was always fine and gentle with younger children when parents weren't around.

I would try to discuss my concerns with the minder, ask for regular, honest feedback and observe her reactions again.

You have to go with your own instincts really.

I can understand your concerns but I would suggest you at least try it. I agree that the fact she has had a conversation with you about it helps, and it does sound like fairly normal (age appropriate) behaviour she can handle. tbh my first thought was that this behaviour happened at playgroup this morning so many times, but it was handled well by the parents and that's all that can be done at this age. I would be upfront about your cncerns tho and make sure you have a settling in period where you can give notice. Oh and have a few more sessions with her too to get to know her and her ds and see how your son settles.