Can you share your au-pair experiences with me? Have had one experience (negative) and wondering if I should try again?

[gingerparkin]

Hi
Really grateful for any experiences shared re: au-pairs.

I have 2 daughters age 10 and 12. My youngest goes to afterschool club, which she has done all her life, and is no longer enjoying it. My eldest is in year 7 and gets herself home from school but I want her to have some closer supervision as I work full time and not able to get home until 6 at the earliest.

A few summers ago, I tried an au-pair which sadly didn't work out. There were very specific issues with this au-pair (eating disorder, homesick, didn't really want to look after children) but those aside, I did struggle a bit with feeling responsible for another person in the house.

On paper, an au-pair is the ideal solution. All I really need is company and a bit of looking after for my girls. It's more affordable than having a nanny equivalent type set-up. My husband is reluctant to try again but recognises our childcare needs to change and our options are limited and would support the idea if I lobby hard.

Interested to hear from people who have had a positive experience or anyone who has a view to share. What are the sets of behaviours/approaches that need to be in place for the arrangement to work best for everyone.???

I feel we have a lot to offer. We are based in London, loads of language schools nearby. Au pair would have a nice room in an easy going house. But recognise it takes much more than this.
Thanks in advance!

It's always worth trying again after one bad experience. There are 'bad' people in every job. You wouldn't never get your hair cut again if you visited a bad hairdresser or perform your own surgery if you encountered a bad doctor. There are many great au pairs.

However, for it to be successful you need to be enthusiastic about the idea. It never works well for people who really don't want someone in their house, but are forced into it because it's the only option that works/they can afford. Resentment will build up and fester and the au pair will get on your nerves because no matter how good they are, they won't be perfect. You and your husband need to really embrace it if you try again.

Alternatively, as your DC are quite old even for an au pair, you could try a student? A masters/PHD student or other mature student. They should be a bit more independent and you wouldn't be as responsible for them as you would be for an au pair. You couldn't really expect them to do housework, but they could 'be around' in the afternoon after school to keep them company. More of a lodger with rent offset by childcare. Or get a student who lives out and will just be an afterschool nanny for you.

NuffSaidSam makes great points. It'll never be perfect having an au pair as they all have different strengths and weaknesses but you (and the au pair) do have to go into it with a can do attitude and be prepared to work out any teething problems.

Thank you for your helpful comments. Definitely something to reflect on. Where I struggled before was knowing where to draw boundaries with my time and energy. I very much took the approach of trying to as supportive and helpful as possible and to include her in everything. As she choose never to leave the house, this meant spending a lot of my evenings talking with her for hours and feeling that I should provide entertainment. Which was exhausting after a day at work. I don't know whether a more business like approach is better going forward?

Ours has just left and I think she was a good as its possible to get. But I am thrilled to have the house and children back to myself and relax again.

I found it particularly difficult at the beginning as she never went out, didn't speak good enough English to hit it off with the kids and was a bit of a drain on me emotionally. It massively improved over time and a friend told me to have some distance from her. I felt bad not being as friendly as before but it gave us some boundaries and meant that we could all sustain the set up.

I do think it's a really hard thing to get right. The kids truly loved her by the end and she was massively helpful domestically. After ten months I was getting the help from her that I needed but it took a good 6 months to get to that point and I wanted to send her home but never did. She would make a great au pair for another family now but has gone home!

Hope that helps!

I have one, she is lovely and leaves next week. I'll be sad to see her go but I'm kind of looking forward to getting my house back.

The positives are that I didn't have to worry about pick up and drop off and pay for after school clubs. She was great with the girls, played with them and really looked after them without me worrying (although she was a little too attached to her mobile). She was never late, rude or unreliable. She never missed a pick up or drop off. She makes great pancakes and is great a crafting, drawing and keeps the kitchen and playroom tidy (she doesn't clean as a rule, we have a cleaner). She was a amazing in the kitchen though, every surface was wiped morning and night and the dishwasher has never seen so much action.

She had a friend locally and would go out at night and come home around 10pm. She was not into partying or clubbing. She learned English very quickly. After the first couple of weeks we just arranged that she could reheat whatever dinner we'd made when she came home. She is really easy going (a little bit ditzy TBH).

The downsides have been sharing my house with someone else. It took 2 months to get her confidence up. She wasn't too good with discipline and the girls took advantage and used it against us (she's only 20 so a child herself in my eyes) and I had to cater for her very bland diet. She couldn't cook anything other than pancakes so I had to make sure she was well fed. We're a mixed race family and she doesn't eat spicy food, we had to tone down our cooking and make it more meat and two veg.

I'd do it again, but it's not been really easy. Your house isn't your own. I'm heading towards breakfast and after school club next year and hope it works out. If not I'll head back down the au pair route.

All being said, I've enjoyed having her here and I'll be really sad to see her go. But it was like having a teen daughter who did chores and I paid £130 a week for it. My children are now less disciplined than they were as they are used to getting away with things with her that we'd not allow.

DH and I have just sat down and drawn up a rota to cover what we'll do when she's gone. And a long list of things we need to readdress about discipline.

What about a mothers help? A junior nanny. A recently qualified nanny looking for experience.

We have a fantastic au pair - we were worried about having somebody in the house beforehand but it has really been no problem.

We did though have some 'rules' in terms of who we would select. First, she had to be a bit older, ideally in her twenties rather than late teens. Second, she had to have some experience working with children/young people. Third, she had to have spent some time away from home previously.

I feel bad saying this but I was absolutely sure I didn't want to be looking after a homesick late teen, who resented being with the kids. And I say that having been a resentful homesick late teen who was an au pair and hated it!!

Anyway, it's worked out really well for us. We were probably very lucky and when our current au pair leaves I doubt we will find someone as great. But we will definitely try - it is a great solution if it works.

Having said which my sister lives in central London (we are relatively suburban), near language schools etc, and has done really well hiring international students who do not live in. So that might be worth exploring.

Good luck!

By the way - was just looking at Imnotreally's post, and our lovely au pair is better at discipline than me! Which doesn't say much about my parenting skills obviously, but for example, if she is babysitting, they will be in bed and asleep by 8.30, which never happens for me. They know they don't get screens when they are with her, so only nag me. The list goes on! And she never raises her voice (..... again, unlike me).

I second what Nuffsaidsam said about PhD/Masters students as this is currently what I do. I pick the DC up from school at 3 go back to theirs and do homework, music practice, dinner. I also wash all dishes, empty dishwasher, fold laundry, run mini vacuum round and about once a week mop and any other random jobs they ask me to do. I'm out the door when the parents get in around 18.30 so they have a nice family evening and I get peace and quiet back at mine. I usually pick up 3 nights a week but can do more or less if asked. I babysit as well and do full days in the holidays. It fits really well around my studies. I'm currently paid £10 an hour but if I were in London I'd be charging £15. It does work out more expensive than an au pair but you have the house to yourselves and don't have to change anything for them.

We had a bad au pair (felt like I was running a guest house and paying for the privilege) and I don't think we'll ever have another.

A friend with her own children used to do ad hoc pick up and looking after the children for me and that worked really well. I obviously paid her but she didn't demand special meals, that I do her laundry, give the child with a dental condition sweets every day, let the 7yo put the 3yo to bed(!!) or decide she didn't fancy taking both kids out so I should stop work to take her least favourite off her hands... so I was very happy! Sadly she moved away or I'd still be using her occasionally.

I'd look into students and also people who may want to come along with their own child.

If you're in London then Like Minders can supply ad hoc nannies. If we still lived there I would use them. We had a couple of lovely nannies from there.

When I was a student, my flatmate's girlfriend had come over to the country as an au pair. She was asked to leave by the mother for flirting and being inappropriate with the father.

Key question in interview ' do you have friends in [London] already?' We have had 3 successful and one unsuccessful au pair experiences. The one that didn't work out did not have a ready made social circle, and because she was so good at English did not go to college. My 3 happy au pairs are/ were never in when I was in. That said having had 3 veggie health freaks that only ate salad the current one cooking is grating in an entirely unreasonable way 😉

I'm on au pair number 5 and I found the whole thing rather difficult at first but No1 was really good by the time she left and we all missed her. No2 was such a disaster I asked her to leave after 3weeks. Her replacement was local and I took her out of desperation; I spent nearly 6 months having someone I loathed living with me and it was horrible. After a break I got No 4 who was amazing at the practical stuff but was terrible with the kids and went home homesick after a few weeks. No 5 (I'm a glutton for punishment I know) is terrific and has just asked to stay on for an extra 3 months. She's lovely and we will miss her immensely. So, it really isn't an exact science and I wish I had other options but I'm a single parent with limited help/ cash. I'm looking forward to not having one though

We debated the same - au pair would be ideal for set up but my husband was adamant that he didn't want to share house. We are London and in the end went for Koru kids - student after school nannies. Both that I interviewed were masters students and we hired a PhD in the end. It is not a cheap option but she was lovely and in particular bonded with my eldest who is tricky. It also worked about the same plus food as an au pair living in without hassle