Can you help me reframe my approach to my nanny or find another childcare option?

[Millybingbong]

Thanks!!

We have 3 children, 1 in reception, 1 in preschool (moving to reception in september) and a baby at home full time. I work 3 days per week, dh 9 days a fortnight. We both have quite flexible jobs and dh has a lot of annual leave.

We have always had a nanny and then sent the dc1 and 2 to preschool aged 3 or so. However recently the nanny is working less well for us, we are wondering whether we need to start thinking of a new approach or whether we need to get over the annoyances and push on.

So - the good things:

• nanny loves the children, and she loves them
• she is flexible with days and hours and very reliable

Less good:

• she used to cook an evening meal - these days she will only cook if she can prepare it while baby is napping. so every time it is pasta bake, or baked potatoes etc. she used to come up with what to cook but now it needs requesting and she doesnt follow instructions - ie i say cheese sauce, she puts tomato sauce etc - buggers up my meal plans. and she doesnt add stuff to the list, so i have to sleuth what has been used.
• she used to clean, but doesnt really like doing washing, never dusts etc. she occasionally cleans bathrooms, and often does a lot of washing up when we have repeatedly asked her to use dishwasher. she used to put away laundry but now either does it really badly or leaves it for us.
• she wont go to aldi because her husband got a fine from them once, so the only shop option is far away. she will put away a home delivery though.
• she cant manage the swimming lessons for the older 2 (watch lesson and mind baby and supervise changing) - so I leave work early every week to do it.
• she cant manage the morning nursery run and school run as timescales are tight - DH and I do it.
• she wont have other children over to play with eldest afterschool as it is "risky" - although will visit other people's houses who i dont know with the baby in the day.

Care problems

• she left baby napping in the car with the engine running today and came into the house. i was here and asked her to go get him.
• in the hot weeks a fortnight ago I came home from work and it appeared baby hadnt had a drink all day. no beaker out or in the dishwasher - all 3 in cupboard.

sorry this is getting long, i need to get it off my chest. perhaps i should stop now and ask for opinions, if consensus is a new option i'll ask for help in what it should be...

Thanks

How long has she worked for you?
Have you spoken to her about any of the issues?

It sounds as if she has gotten 'too comfortable' and has let things slide. Perhaps things deteriorated so gradually that now, when you stop to think of it, you've quite a long list of 'not so good'.

You need to speak to her. Be very specific what you want from her, and hope for a 're-set'.

It doesn't sound like it's working, but three is hard - I have similar ages. I'd split the roles up. Get a cleaner to clean, use an ironing company maybe to sort that, then everyone can pitch in on putting away what's left- nanny could tackle kids stuff only. If cooking is an issue would Hello Fresh or similar work for you instead?

Well you have a nanny problem and need to tackle her performance head on. You could get a new and much better nanny.

She sounds rubbish.

Thanks for the responses - I am pleased that you are verifying that I am not being unreasonable here - but I feel so sad as she really is part of the family and has been quite dear to us.

I just am getting the feeling that I am getting less benefit from the arrangement than I used to. She has been with us since I went back to work after dc1 - so 4 years. And while I was on mat leaves she came and took the older ones out just for fun. she has gone the extra mile.

I have raised things with her either quite generally or more specifically - she hasnt really explained the no drink thing but was apologetic about the running car thing.

There definately seems to be a dynamic now that stuff is too hard for her. she used to put the older two to bed when they were babies, and I can't imagine that now, even though they are all quite easy to do.

is another nanny the only option or could we manage with childminders/preschool etc with these ages?

for example with the cooking - they are in bed at 6pm and eat at 5pm so the problem is that dh and I are often still at work at that time so she has to feed them.

DH was saying maybe he should start batch cooking on sunday nights, which got me thinking - why are we paying a nanny if we are doing all the work!!!

Why can she not batch cook?

Cleaning generally isn't a nanny's job. Especially if no child free time (like 2 hours when all at school and nursery)

Why would she cook for you and clean for you? Surely her job is to tend to the childrens needs?

I think it sounds like you're asking an awful lot of your nanny. My understanding is that a nanny is there to look after the children, not to do general housework and cooking.
Having said that, I would be concerned about the car incident, the drink in hot weather and I would expect occasional playdates to be ok.
Maybe explain that you feel maybe too much has been expected of her so you are removing some responsibilities (cleaning/ cooking etc) so that all her focus can be on the children.

quite.

baby naps for about 1.30 a day. She always used to do our cleaning, and she would be very offended if I paid someone else to do it.

We have been trying to be sympathetic that it is hard with 3, but one is at school most of the time and one at pre-school half the time, so it is not totally full on all the time.

I am just starting to think she has had enough.

I'm talking about cooking for the children napqueen. she normally does cook for us for us to microwave later even though most days I remember to ask her not to. (if I dont ask she does, and it is uninspiring food first time round, worse post microwave)

It is hard to tell if she used to be good, and now has got less good. Or, maybe she did all the jobs thoroughly when she only had one to look after. Perhaps she is simply overwhelmed and rushed off her feet with 3.

I agree with stullnotjustamummy about the workload though. You can't expect her to do all the things she used to do with an increased workload (i.e., more children). Have her do things related to the dc only, and see if she can manage that. Draft in other help to clean the house and iron, if you can.

But the key thing to me is, you must trust her. If you think she is starting to do things that worry you (no drink on a hot day, child left in car, etc), then you really must speak to her immediately.

This is madness - you are getting none of the advantages of having a nanny, while paying the £££ for one.

Apart from the leaving baby in the car (which I think is unacceptable), this is the care you might get from a slightly tricky relative, where you keep the arrangement because they adore the children and the children adore them.

Cooking - she should follow a meal plan.
Cleaning - fair enough, she might not be able to do this if the baby is awake a lot.
Supermarket - 'refusing' to go to a nearby supermarket is not on
Swimming - managing extra-curricular activities should be one of the bonuses of having a nanny.
School run - why on earth isn't she doing either the nursery or school part? Don't tell me she is just staying home with the baby.
Playdates - hmm, with 3 kids already in the house perhaps this is something for the weekends, or when they both get a bit bigger.
Visiting other houses - no, not unless you agree
No drink - not good, although are they also drinking formula or breastmilk?

I think, have a sit down conversation and agree a plan to improve at least one of these aspects.

You need to start performance managing.

Have a meeting, draw her attention to her contract/job description, give her targets and a reasonable target to meet them.

If she's been with you more than 2 years you can't just sack her and get a new nanny without going through a disciplinary procedure. Better to work with her to improve performance.

Other options - if you are lucky you can find a childminder with space for all three who will do school runs to your school. Obviously that will also mean no swimming lessons or play dates though. Or childminder/after school club for the oldest and full daycare nursery for the younger two.

I do agree cleaning and shopping doesn't sound reasonable though.

Cooking for the children, school runs, swimming lessons and playdates are reasonable.

So you've gone from 2 to 3 children but you expect your nanny to do exactly the same as she's done in the past?

I think your expectations re cooking and cleaning when she has three children of 5 and under to look after are a bit unrealistic.

she only has 3 children after school - she either has 1 or 2, and they all nap in the afternoons so she normally has at least an hour with none.

I do all drop offs in the morning now as it seems too much to ask. - so to reply to the message earlier - i have arranged to work late so I can do the preschool/school drop offs and then take the baby home and then walk back past the school to work.

she doesnt do any shopping as she wont go to the shop. it is an example of something else I do myself. she used to go to coop about once a fortnight for milk/bread etc. I do that now on my way home from work.

I hope I am not being defensive - all opinions wellcome. I havent got any better options at the moment as the flexibility is wonderful and the children love her. I am just thinking longer term once dc2 is at school perhaps we put the baby into nursery and ask her to just do after school and some holiday days

I agree with you in many points. However, your nanny is a nanny not a cleaner. If you think she'd be offended by you getting a cleaner then get the cleaner to come on a day she isn't there.
The cooking thing I agree with. She should be doing that. But you could just make a meal plan (maybe with her?!) Or get her to do a meal plan. Or get your eldest to help you so it's an exciting new thing or something.
The car thing is not on. But the water thing... how do you actually know?! I'm constantly washing up throughout the day and make sure everything is tidy for parents returning. So she could have just washed it up.

The swimming thing I agree with you.
I'd be mortified to know my bosses were annoyed at me washing up!! I prefer doing it to using dishwasher in case I need something throughout the day. Plus it's better for the environment.
Lastly, the play date thing I'm on the fence. I'm happy for play dates but she might find 3 kids is her limit. You only work 3 days a week so you have time in the week to do play dates. But I don't think there's anything wrong with her taking the baby to other people's houses. So long as baby is well cared for and having age appropriate activities.

I do all drop offs in the morning now as it seems too much to ask. - so to reply to the message earlier - i have arranged to work late so I can do the preschool/school drop offs and then take the baby home and then walk back past the school to work.

Wow now see I would get rid on that alone. If you can do it why can't she ?

she used to be a cleaner! including for us. but she became our nanny full time and dropped the cleaner work for other people.

The playdate would only be with 3 children as the preschool child would be at preschool and i was going to fetch on that day anyway.

she finds it stressful and would possibly have dd1 late at school. she does find it hard leaving the house with all 3 so she rarely does it. having said that dh can manage it and he is championfaffer.

So is she not a trained nanny? She was your cleaner and then sort of morphed into the nanny? It sounds like she's struggling to cope to be honest.

It sounds more and more like the relationship may have run its course - she doesn't sound like she's enjoying it at all (however much she might care about the children) and you're picking up the pieces.

Thanks jiggly I tHinksey that is where I am getting too as well. Dh feels less so but he is picking up less of the fallout.

She is a trained nanny was then ta then cleaner then ours as a nanny.

She's trained?? Why can't she cope then? I've looked after sibling groups of 3 and frequently done playdates - it's what you do when you're a nanny! Why are you letting her dictate to you? My boss would take one hell of a dim view if I started refusing to go to certain supermarkets, or not doing the school run - it's a major part of the job!
Look, I can see you feel a loyalty to her, but she's taking the piss. Not cooking for the kids - WTF? If she honestly can't cope with 3 then she needs to admit that and resign so you can get someone competent instead. Don't let her walk all over you - you're the one paying for this, (and I speak as a nanny of 24 years, and also a parent who has employed a CM, so I can see both sides).

What have you done so far in terms of managing her performance at work? What is in her contract/job description regarding duties?

Why does she find it hard, how old is she?