First Au-Pair !!

[MahaChandran]

Hello,
I recently have changed my childcare option to Au-pair with the main thought of having someone living at home to help. I had one au-pair before but she was there for only one month as i had to change her due to her hour restrictions. So this time around, I have got a new au-pair who seems nice with my daughter.

But this is her first time as an aupair. So she clearly has no idea on what to expect or what to do basically. For example, she is sharing all toiletries without even asking permission from me. She cooks well but cleanliness is nil even after telling her many times that my daughter is very prone to infections if things are not clean. As a full time working single parent, I find it very hard to instruct every single thing. Am i worrying much as its just her first week. Should i give her some more time to adjust?

Also, I pay her £150 per week and on top if she works extra works, agreement is to pay her more per hour. Agency contract said, she will eat with the family. So when we went shopping, i asked to buy food items that she would like. I heard her saying aah free food !!. But not sure what the limit should be !!! I'm stuck here. Having googled, i found that i need to pay extra £30 to £40 per week just for food on top of pocket money excluding milk, butter, other food items etc. Is this the norm?

Can someone please share their thoughts on how you handle this situation? How much do you pay for food on top what you buy in the weekly grocery? Or should i just say that her grocery limit is £30 and she can buy anything she wants in that? Please help

Thanks.

You need to set the ground rules as soon as possible. Au pairs are young girls with little life experience so you need to assume that you need to explain everything and go into a lot of detail around your expectations.

For the food, you should include a few bits that they like, but overall they should be eating what you eat. If this doesn't work, then give them £30 per week to get their own food and let them sort it out for themselves.

Communication really is the key, and if you find there are issues you need to bring them up and discuss them straight away. You will all get on the same page eventually.

It shouldn't cost an extra £30-40 to feed her. Its just a few extra sausages or whatever per meal. Au pairs would normally eat with the family.

Thanks both..i totally agree that i need to set the rules straight as soon as possible !!

That was my understanding as well that au pairs eat with the family but since she started asking for a limit in shopping, i wanted to check. One more clarification is, since i work full time, i usually come home around 6 to 6.30 pm and she works from 3.30 till 7.30 in the evening. After all the meetings and hectic day at office, the last thing in my mind is cooking. So as long as my daughter eats some healthy food, i try not to overdo for myself when it comes to cooking on week days. when we say the au pair eats with the family, does it mean that they cook their own food or do they eat whatever we cook?

They eat what you cook for the family.

The whole point of an AP is that they are part of the family. Sort of a big sister/elder daughter.

I can totally empathise with you OP, I don't feel like cooking after a long day in the office and commuting. Our aupair usually cooks and eats with the kids before I get home and sometimes there are leftovers which I have, otherwise I prepare myself a quick salad.
I have always interpreted the notion of 'the au pair eats with the family' as in, when we have a proper sit down family meal the au pair is of course included, if we do not then the au pair just prepares himself something from the food that is available in the house. We do not give our au pair a food allowance but he usually texts me what he wants from the supermarket. The stuff he asks for is mostly a mix of what he wants for himself and what he wants to make for the kids. It's never anything over the top.
Do other families really cook every night for themselves and the au pair after a long day at work?? I find that hard to believe, especially when the kids are young and have an early bedtime.
Our family meals are on the weekend and I always invite our au pair along. Most of the time he is out anyway but we always keep something for him in the fridge.
I would be interested how others do it as this is our first au pair and this is how it works for us and him.

Same as puff in that the aupair is invited to eat with us only to the extent we have a sit down meal as a family, which works out to dinner on weekends only, because dh and I can come home quite late during the week. On weekdays, our aupair eats with the children. We are the family that cooks (or reheats leftovers) every day during the week. When we do this on a weekday, we make an extra portion for the aupair and leave it in the fridge which she heats up and eats with the children the next day. For lunch or dinners where she does not want a portion for herself, she puts her ingredients on the weekly shopping list. It is nothing out of the ordinary and not likely to exceed £20 a week often much less.

I agree to set the tone from day 1. I have a set of detailed house rules so that we both understand each other. I communicate lots during the early days and am quite matter of fact with our requirements to avoid things building up. Start as you mean to carry on. That way, expectations are clear and if she cannot or is unable to meet them, you can manage it and have a chance to discuss before it festers.

When you say that she is adding £30 - 40 to your food shop per week, what sort of items is she asking for because that is quite a lot for one person.

Thanks for the helpful insights everyone. I agree that i need to set the tone right from the beginning which i have started. I also told her this morning that i will sit and talk with her about her first week so she can also share her views.

Im confident that i can change or train everything except cleanliness which i feel that comes from individual person. I will have to stress bit strongly that she really need to keep the things clean as thats how it is in our house always !!! Im not OCD but cant live in a dirty house as well

She didn't ask me for £30-£40 but she finished all the food that we bought on Sunday by wed eventhough its just me and my fuzzy eating kid !! Yesterday she didn't cook anything and i was tired to cook after long day..she asked me whether i will pay for her take awat food and i said i don't cover them as there is still veggies and groceries at home. She then asked me what is her limit in weekly grocery purchase for which i said i will her soon.

When i googled i found in many posts people saying £30 -£40 and thats when i got confused

Au pairs are often young with little life experience so you have to explain a lot more than if you were hiring a qualified nanny

You need to set your ground rules

• clear expectations of hours - au-pairs work 25-30 hours per week and are meant to attend language classes. You need to decide how you want her to prioritise between childcare, cleaning and cooking tasks - many young au aupairs will struggle to multi-task
• food - au pairs are meant to eat with the family so obviously your food bills are going to increase. You need to decide how you want to manage the meals when you are not at home but she still needs to eat - for example do you want her to eat what is at home? give her an allowance? take her shopping with you? or add to your list? Obviously it is kind to include a few things that she likes
• make a detailed list of what and how you want things done - many aupairs have no experience of running a house and may not know how to clean - especially with household products that are different and written in a foreign language

I just write a comprehensive list of tasks. I provide shower gel and toiletries as she's part of the family. I keep my nice stuff in the en suite. She gets mid range stuff in her bathroom, Aussie Shampoo, Dove shower gel etc etc. If she wants fancy stuff then she buys it herself.

But god she gets through 8 rolls of kitchen towel a week wiping down the kitchen. I can't complain. It's spotless.

Mine can't cook at all, but she's great with the kids and gives them sandwiches, toast or very basic pasta. We've been teaching her how to cook basic meals as she's off to university after she leaves us. She also has access to our weekly online shop which she probably adds £10 to at most. The fridge and cupboard food are a free for all. As are toiletries in the family bathroom and her bathroom. I've had to buy some extras but it's just been bread, cheese, broccoli and fruit. Nothing major.

Most come with few housekeeping skills as they've always lived at home. It's a trade off for us as she'll happily jump on the trampoline with the girls while we get dinner ready.

Today she messed up, she said it was dress up day at school. It wasn't. I thought she was going to cry. I went into Mum mode. We got a uniform ironed in 10 minutes and dropped it off at school within 15 minutes. She still looked sad. I went to Costa and got her a cake and her favourite coffee and said don't fret. If I worried about everything I'd done wrong since they'd been born I'd never sleep.

I see her as a teenage daughter and I don't ever ask her to do major housework. She does the dishwasher as she's last to bed. She is great a doing the children's laundry. At first she ate at the table with us but now she just takes her dinner upstairs and Skypes and stuff.

Give her some clear written tasks, talk about whether she wants to eat with you. Be flexible and she'll settle.

Most of mine have taken about six weeks to feel confident. My current one had very basic English so it was hard to talk, hence writing everything down (she could take it away and digest it).

Now she's fluent and we both say it's been a 50/50 experience, we got great help and she got a chance to learn English. A week is nothing for a young person living away from home.

I ask my au pair at the outset what she likes to eat and then I try to cater for her. I also ask her to add what she wants to the shopping list each week but I make it clear I don't buy chocolates, alcohol, loads of steaks etc. I menu plan and expect the AP to either eat the meals listed on that or make something herself from the cupboard/fridge (but not the things earmarked for the meals)

. I usually buy extra stuff for them for lunch depending on what they like .My last one used to eat alot of chicken stirfries. I also buy what they want for breakfast. Basically treat them like one of my older children.

I have a list that she can add to during the week. I've catered for coeliacs, vegans, etc before. I did have one ap who ate loads, but I just bought more bread/cheese/cereal (which is what she ate).

In relation to duties, you could write a list at the beginning of each day of what you expect her to do. Some more experienced ap's know to empty the dishwasher/tumble drier etc, but others need it spelling out. I have a cleaner on top of my au pair - she isn't expected to clean, but she's expected (like me, my kids) to keep the place tidy/wipe the sides/empty the dishwasher etc as she goes along.

Anyone in the house is welcome to use the shampoo/shower gel/toothpaste in the bathroom. Some au pairs buy their own stuff on top.

Gosh, I have never brought extra or special food for any of our au pairs. I do a big weekly supermarket shop and for breakfast and lunch they eat what they want from that. At night they eat with my husband and I and have whatever we are having. But we do cook every night so that is easy for us.

I never share toiletaries either but they have their own en suite so it's never come up.