Question for all you lovely cms - Do any of your mindees cry a lot when left even if they are happy with you?

[Lazycow]

The reason I ask is that ds (2.4 years old been with his childminder since he was 11 months old) still cries sometimes when I drop him off. He gets very clingy and his face seems really sad - then as I leave he absolutely screams. My cm says he always stops within minutes if not seconds of me leaving but it is heartwrenching nonetheless

He use to go 3 days a week for a year and for the first few weeks he didn't cry at all when left. Then we had a phase of him crying (which I know is normal). Then when I went to 4 days a week he cried every time I left him for a while again.

Now he doesn't cry every time I drop him off but he does at least 1-2 a week and sometimes more often.

Since Christmas he has recently had a succession of illnesses (minor but you know the sort of thing, ear infection, colds, coughs etc.) so we have had a lot of weeks where he has gone for less than 4 days so that may have all contributed to it.

He seems worse on Monday morning (after 3 days at home) and also if we have been on holiday but other than that it seems a bit random. Some days he goes in fine but we still have days in the week (sometimes several in a row) where he gets very upset when I leave.

My cm is lovely but she is a bit worried by him crying too. A couple of weeks ago she said that maybe we should have a chat as she was worried he cried so often when dropped off whereas her other mindee (4 months older than ds and been with her a similar amount of time) pretty much never cries when dropped off any more and hasn't done for over a year.

I was wondering if any experienced cms who have had lots of children have experienced this. i.e a child who has been coming to you for over a year who still cries when left.

Ds seems to like his cm and her daughter (6years old) ansd talks about them in a positive way but whenever I say 'it's a cm day today' he pretty much says 'no - it's a muumy/daddy day' every time.

I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that it is possible for a child to often cry when left but still enjoying their time at a cm.

one of my mindees started crying,screaming arching her back so she couldnt get into buggy a few monhs ago(and i am friends with her mum so she already knew me?)..what we did was change drop of plan, she used to drop off at my dd's nursery as i was still there when she wanted to drop off, so for a few days she dropped off later at my house, mindee ran straight into playroom and didnt murmur...although she did always say she didnt like other mindee tho?, so think being at mine instead of strapped n double buggy together first thing helped?..try changing routine a little or seeing if cm could have activity you ds would love in full swing when you arrive???

One of my old mindees went through phases of cring when dropped off. Most of the time he was ok then he would cry every day for a couple of weeks. He always stopped within a couple of mins of his Mum leaving though and I know he was happy with us. He came to us from when he was 18 months until he started school and I don't recall him crying at all the last year but certainly in the time before that he did sometimes. Sometimes it started after a break because of holidays but other times we never got to the bottom of it.

I think the crying is a phase, and it's completely normal imo, as is stopping within minutes of you leaving.

What her other mindee does is entirely irrelevant - it's often a waste of time to compare children.

I can appreciate this is upsetting for you - could you phone your childminder 10 mins after you leave so you can hear your ds in the background, not crying? Or could she text you a photo?

Thanks for the messages

It is so hard to leave when he crys and I guess I was hoping he would have stopped by now.

Thanks for the suggestions on changing the drop off routine a bit. Now that I think about it I've realised that ds generally doesn't cry if the other mindee is there when he arrives. He's too busy saying hello and kissing/hugging him.

Ds and I usually arrive before the other mindee but I think I'll try and get there a little bit later so that he is there when ds gets there. I may be a bit late for work but it won't make that much difference.

Thanks also for the reasurance.

Hello there I am a childminder whos own child does this every day at school like yourself I'm told he settles very quickly once I've gone but has been going on 3 months now.

It is very hard and distressing but as I tell my parents they do stop soon after!! One of my mindies used to howl then be fine as soon as mum left. I got mum to wait 5 mins then dh take her to back window so she was reasured and it really helped. Maybe with your childminder you could arrange an earlier drop off so you can observe and make yourself feel better.

I am calling the kettle black here though as I feel awful with ds doing this but am working with the school as the doctor has now said I've got stress!! I'm normally so laid back I could fall over so......

good luck but remember it is very common xx

I had one mindee - admittedly younger than 2.4 who would cry when being left but almost as soon as the door was shut he would be distracted and stop. I got mum to stand outside and listen to how soon it stopped to reassure her.

He also cried when it was time to go - I did feel sorry for the mum during that phase.

Message withdrawn

We have a 'no fuss' drop off system...all my mindees are between 18m and 3 and all part timers and drop offs were a nightmare..lots of crying and mums fussing and dads fussing, me fussing, my kids fussing etc etc all of which stopped a few minutes after parents left. So I made the suggestion that from now on there would be no more fussing. If the grown ups fuss the kids will fuss. children say goodbye to mum and dad in the car or outside, they ring the doorbell and I let mindee in but not mum or dad...if any info needs passing its done by phone or really quickly. It has worked BRILLIANTLY, within a week no one was crying at drop off and whereas at the beginnning of the week they had to be handed to me, now they usually just trot in perfectly happily. Has made life so much simpler!!

Jenna

ive a child whos mum wont go till he is crying for her
she hangs around and keeps saying i'm going till she gets a reaction then she leaves

some children cry for their parents benifit then once parent has gone carrys on playing

another parent got upset that their child was upset so i videoed the child playing happily which made mum very pleased

dmo- I had one of those! Mum would hang around and keep telling her dd that "mummy's going now" even though dd was quite happy playing with another mindee and not remotely interested in whether her mum was there or not!!

Mindee 1 has been coming since he was 10 months. He used to be really happy at pick up and drop off but used to cry LOADS in between. Then, when he was about 18m he turned into the easiest, most laid back child. I collect him on my way to ds' school and 9 times out of 10 he's fine. We do get the odd day when he cries but he's always stopped before we get to the end of the road. He was 2 last month and over the last year has gone through phases of crying at drop off but there never seems to be any one thing that triggers it.

The times he does cry, it's always when Mum is there. I don't think he's ever done it when Dad is there. Not sure if that makes any difference.

Would it be poss for your ds' dad to take him sometimes?

I think I may also suggest the drop off at the door approach.

Ds does do this with dh too. In fct my cm said he tends to be worse with dh and asked him to hang around less. I on the other hand leave quite quickly but it is true that if my cm and I have anything to discuss ds is more likely to get upset if I spend too much time talking to her before leaving.

So it looks like I'm doing to try a combination of dropping ds off after the other mindee gets there (for a while anyway) and maybe try dropping him at the door and not go in. Looks like cm and I might need to have a regular phone chat to discuss stuff as pick up time is a bad time to chat too.

even though the drop at the door is a good idea i would not use it as it doesnt feel very welcoming to the parents and they have chosen a cm for the homely feel

I use a drop at the door method, as it is too chaotic if all the mums come in and hang around. I have drop offs from 7.15 til 8am, and need to do breakfasts etc. I had one little boy (2y3m)very slightly reluctant to come in one day last week, but no-one has cried for years (literally!). Even the 7m and 11m old wave their arms and legs up and down as soon as they get to my gate! It is so lovely. I remember leaving my son crying in reception class, and being prised off me by the teacher - I hated it .

Having said that though, the only mum who does come in as the 9 and 11 yr olds mum! Habit I think from whem they were babies!

DS (2) cries at drop off at nursery, he will toddle up the path quite happily and go striaght to the door of his room. He gets his bag in the mornigns and waits ready to go out so i guess he can't hate it! but at least 2x a week we have a crying and clingy bit at nursery.

i tend to drop him off then go and put his pram away in the cloakroom then go back and listen outside the door - he is NEVER still crying 5 minutes later!

I also find that making sure he is invovled in a game helps and not trying to hand him over to another person - he gets very upset if I am carrying him and i put hinm in someone elses arms, but if he walks in on his own and goes onto the slide/toys then he is fine.