9 month old not settling at CM - what's normal?

[mrsbabookaloo]

Hello. Our dd goes to a CM for 2 full days, Mon and Tues. She's 9 months and started in Jan when she was 7.5 months. She always cries when we drop her off, and now has started to recognise the route, so cries on the way there too. Is this just to be expected, and we have to accept that she will always cry? Or should we be worried that she's always unhappy there? The CM says that she's fine after we leave, and she is fine when she comes home, and still sleeps normally etc. I feel the CM always tries to paint a rosy picture to reassure me, rather than saying what's really going on, and I have a couple of other niggles too - too much TV, and her bottom not as clean as I would wipe it!
I suppose the question is, should I just accept the situation as it is, or put dd though the upheaval of finding another CM, where she still might cry?
Any advice gratefully accepted!

Hi - not sure I can add much other than to say I also have a 9mo who started with a local childminder in January for 2 days a week. So far though I haven't had any problem with him being upset, except on the very first afternoon but he also was ill with a cold and teething so that may have been a factor. I suppose an element of clinginess is absolutely normal and expected but I am sure in time she will start to build a strong bond with the CM. It will always take different lengths of time until this happens. How does your DD react when you get to the CM's house? Is there a smile or any sort of recongition at all, or always tears? With regard to your other points, you could tactfully say something like your DD has had a sore bottom overnight can she be extra thorough at cleaning her up. Remember you are paying the person and you should be able to have some input into how the day runs, I would imagine this includes the amount of TV watched. Does your CM complete a daily diary for you to include activities?If it were me I would watch the situtation very closely for say another 3 months and see how things improve (or not). Good luck!

Hi there. Sorry you are having to deal with the tears, must be horrible for you. I'm a CM who had a 5 month and 6 month old start with me over a year ago. They were fine to start with and then they both ended up having a period of clingyness around 8/9 months old approx. I PROMISE they were always fine as soon as their parents had gone for a couple of mins but I always felt for the parents as how could they be sure. Neither of these cried until the parents turned their back to leave so I can't answer about your lo crying on the way there??? It could just be part of the clingy phase they go through. The mindee I still have now (now 19 months) used to be clingy of me too during this phase, but then again, she'd already been with me some. BUT, she'd see the same CM's at all the groups each week but would not settle with ANY of them whilst I popped to do coffee (if my turn) and would scream for me with arms out. This felt like it was going on forever at the time but then all of a sudden, she got over it and is absolutely fine and confident now.

What other things are niggling you? I agree about the bottom thing and would say to be extra careful with cleaning, she should take the hint! I have the opposite problem of cleaning the left over mess on the first nappy change but I don't feel it's my place to tell the parents how to do it. If however they told me to clean a bit better, I'd be fine (maybe a little embarrassed but fine). The tv bit......how much tv? I ask because I usually have it on when kids are dropped off as my ds has it on in the morning when he first gets up (and mindees used to be dropped off at 6.45am). I then only have it on for about 20 mins when preparing meals and then maybe right at the end of the day if I want to calm the children before hometime.

I was going to ask if they do a diary but someone has already mentioned that. Do they? I think most childminders do a diary for under 5's so the parents know what they've done that day.

I'd give it a bit more time, if she's only going for 2 days a week the childminder is still relatively new.

The majority of babies cry when being left by Parents in my experience & they do stop once you've gone...honest!.

Re the tv & cleaning her bottom, I'd have a gentle word...Don't let things fester!

i'm not sure about this tbh. I think she should be at least starting to settle by now tbh. And crying on the way there is a bit worrying for such a young child imo

Does the childminder look after any other children? How does she interact with them?

When you arrive, how does your childminder greet your child? What is your child's reaction?

If you are unhappy then I would say to find someone else. If a child is happy with the person then they normally settle really very quickly, ime. How did you find this childminder? Very often the best way is through personal recommendation.

The too much TV thing is obviously bothering you and I agree the nappy thing signals to me a certain level of neglect, or at least, not really being bothered.

I would go with your instincts as a mother. They are almost always right ime.

Good Luck

I don't totally agree quietmouse, as a Nanny I had a child whom cried every day for about 6mths when Mummy was leaving for work & he stopped by the time she got to the end of the garden!

I rang her several times to let her hear he was no longer crying just to put her mind at rest!

Thanks v much for all your replies so far. It's given me some things to think about and discuss with dh.

how is she when you pick her up? Does she cry when she sees you?

I know several minders who have had clingy babies for quite a long time after they've started coming (months!!) - those CMs were lovely, so it is hard to judge someone who we don't know.

I would agree with others who've asked how she is when you actually get there? Any smiles? Arms out? (From your dd or your CM).

You really need to be able to trust your childminder. I've certainly had children who have cried when parents leave (thankfully not on the journey - that worries me in a child so young - is she OK with other car trips?) I will always be honest with parents about how long it's taken for them to calm down.

I assume your CM has other children there if the TV is on, not that it's on just for your dd?! Do you actually know how much it's on?

I would echo other suggestions about requesting "extra-vigilant bottom-cleaning" because you've had a bad weekend with her (can you lie convincingly?!)

i've never minded a baby that young & i'd be worried about baby crying on the way there that seems odd to me . mindee 1 who i've had for 6 months still cries when mummy leaves him (not everytime) but normally stops before she's even shut the front door !!!! do you know any of the other parents who use your c/minder if so you could ask them if your daughter is happy when they drop off or collect

i had a baby come to me in feb 2 days a week she was 9 mths old and she cried
i told mum what she was like (didnt suger it up)
felt after 5 weeks that she just wasnt settling and was getting too upset which wasnt good for baby or me so i gave her notice
mum was so upset but understood
i still see her once a week at toddler group and her nana has her the days i should have had her (she is upset there too)

I also had a 7.5mth old start with me in Jan for 2 days a week and only in the last few weeks has she really settled. I posted a while ago and felt i had no choice but to give notice as she was too upset, was honest with Mum from start, now its been a complete turn around, she is on the whole 100% better!
She does have an upset time around tea but the rest of the day is such a sweetie! I am glad i held out as it was really tough in the beginning but we got there!
As for the crying in the car on route, is it just possible that its early and a change to the normal routine?
x

Hi mrsbabookaloo

Just out of curiosity, where abouts are you?

Hello; thanks to all who've posted so far, and asked for more info! I'm in SE London. I walk to the childminder (not a car journey) and dd is always fine when we are out and about in her pushchair: it's definitely when we come to the part of the route when we could only be going to the CM that she starts to get upset. The CM is warm and friendly when greeting her, and takes dd from me, but she always cries. When I pick her up, she does cry or whimper a bit when she sees me, and then is fine. The CM doesn't do a diary: I try to ask what they've been doing, but I don't think I'm assertive enough to ask her to do extra work in writing a diary, or to ask exactly how much TV. It's on when I pick her up, which is fine at that time of day I think, but the CM talks a lot about her "watching her cartoons". There is a little boy of 2 there who has been going there a long time and he is very sweet with dd.
I know I need to develop more of an "I'm the paying customer" attitude and be firmer about things, and not care whether the CM thinks I'm a pain in the butt. I think that being a CM must be such a hard job, I suppose I don't want to make it any harder!

I can't see writing up a diary as hard work, I do it for all of mine (well, two lol) and it is fine because I do it as we go along in the day.

I would be concerned about the TV too - small amounts are great, in fact there are lovely programmes on Cbeebies like Something Special that we record and watch but that's about it. My son watches some when he gets home from school but I am in the playroom with the little ones.

Basically, I would go with your gut on this one - if you feel she is unhappy there (and is fine elsewhere if you see what I mean) I would search around for someone else.

Best of luck

We watch something special too! I'm definitely not against television per se. Just not all day!

There are lots of CMs who don't write any kind of diaries for their mindees. It's something we are encouraged to do but is certainly not something a parent can insist on. Ofsted like to see it (yet more paperwork to prove how wonderful we are).

And there are also CMs who leave the TV on all day, and it's not necessarily childrens' TV (I've met a few).

These are not the first things you would think about asking when visiting a prospective childminder.

And I certainly wouldn't proudly announce to a parent that a baby had been watching cartoons! We also watch the occasional CBBC programme, but it is for the toddlers, not the babies - and usually so that I can actually eat my lunch (or write diaries!!)

I don't like being unkind about another CM, but I really didn't like your description of your dd being upset as soon as it was obvious that you are going to her house. I find that really sad. To be honest, if you are not happy, I would seriously think about changing your childcare arrangements.