Au Pair keeps throwing up!

[bugsgalore]

NOt sure if this is where I should be putting this message but need some thoughts and advice on this please.
We have recently taken on an au pair. She has been wonderful with the children, helps around the house, does the kids ironing and we all get on well.
All has been great but I have noticed someting a bit odd. After every meal (and I mean every) she has to rush off to the toilet. At first I thought maybe she had a fast metabolism etc but I have since noticed vomit in the toilet. The smell is there every time, she brushes her teeth all the time and uses a lot of mouth wash. Yes, some of you may think I am paranoid.
I'm really unsure of this behaviour but was wondering if she could be bulimic and if so what do I do? Do I say anything to her? It doesn't affect us yet but could do in the future and I am concerned about her health of course. She lost both her Dad and Boyfriend last year. I have no details.
I am now worrying about her stability as well.

Most certainly bulimia,

I wouldn't approach her about it, try and become more of a friend to her and support her, If you ask her outright she will probably do a runner and you won't see her for dust. It should not affect her ability around your children but its not very good for them to see and learn from her either.

Personally I'd support her and let her open up to you, make her feel she can trust you and don't break that trust.

Blimey. Not sure what I would do. How long is she supposed to stay with you? How old are your kids? Will they pick up on it? You know, like if I had a 13 year old girl I would not want her to get any ideas from the ua pair's behaviour.

She's not pregnant, is she? It does sound like bulimia. I would talk to her and let her know she can get help for this. Poor girl.

She probably is stable and able to carry on working. One of my daughter's friends does this (about that sort of age too). Duaghters' group of friends away 2 years ago - girl doing this, friends complain to each other that it's their food money being vomitted up - not exactly the sympathetic psychological responses I'm sure she needed not that they said that to her face.

You are kind of in loco parentis as she's an au pair. Why not have a word with her? She could may be get some counselling via your GP. Also she'll rot her teeth and potentially damage the enamel on the loo I suppose etc etc

I think in practice she can probably just carry on and could be like that for a good few years. It's not like anorexia where she might be in danger of starving to death and weak etc.

I think bulimia is potentiall a lot more dangerous than anorexia.

I guess it depends how old your kids are, how obvious it is, how long she's due to stay.

A neighbour of ours is bulimic and in the last 2 years has been hospitalised several times and is now unable to look after her children. She's obviously a lot further down the line than your au pair. What is your relationship with her like? Do you feel able to have that sort of conversation?

Yes, she's definitely a bulimic - I had a bulimic colleague at work with identical behaviour to the one you describe.

I do think that you have a responsibility to your children (and to your employee) to address this issue. People with eating disorders have a "self-care" disorder and, however much your au pair may seem to be a caring, responsible individual, much of her subconscious brain space is preoccupied with her own anxieties.

I definitely agree with Xenia - try the GP as first port of call for NHS counselling.

Bulimia and Anorexia are as bad as each other and usually you have a bit of both. With bulimia you can also have a sudden unwarned hart attack due to the strain on the body, the body gains a few nutrients as the food is eaten so you dont loose weight in vast quantities but thats it, she will need help, are you the sort of person who can give her that help? if not is there a friend of hers who you could speak to?

This needs to be approached carefully dont just jump in.

In my first nannying job the nanny before me was bulimic and in my opinion it does affect the children. The 3 year old boy started to copy her by pretending to vomit so he must have been aware even though the nanny swore she never did it in front of the children when confronted with it.

I think that whilst I would feel very sorry for the girl and would want to help her as much as I could, I also would be very clear that my priority was the welfare of my children. Is she really of sound mind and body to take on her responsibilities?

Of course you don't want to chuck her out on the street. But, then you don't want your children to be affected either. I guess it depends on how serious it is. Perhaps she should be on sick leave... if au pairs get such a thing?

Okay, may be it's worse than I thought then. The daughter's friend seems to live a normal university life, play sport, looks fit but obviously has emotional issues. She may not have it very badly.

My colleague who had bulimia was outwardly fine. We all knew her problem at work, she was quite a tough cookie to be around but good at her job. The disaster became apparent when she invited me to dinner at her house one day. Her children were totally wild, she was quite unable to tolerate taking care of anyone else.

I think that eating disorders need serious attention.

Definitely sounds like bulimia. Whether or not to approach her - it's a tricky one. It takes a long time and a lot of courage for sufferers to admit to anyone that there is a problem (my sister has bulimia). If you do raise it with her, be prepared for a hostile response and for her to deny it. She needs professional help and a lot of support. Eating Disorders Association have a good helpline for sufferers and concerned friends/relatives 08456 341414.

Thanks everyone for your comments.
I have decided to think on it before I take any action.
Just so you have a bit more background on the situation, she has only been with us for 3 weeks and will be with us for the next 6 months with the possibility of extending this to a year. She is from Spain and speaks very little English.
Our decision to take on an au pair was not taken lightly but on all counts seems to be working out apart from this suspected bulimia issue.
Anyway, she is a wonderful girl (so far). We feel very comfortable with her living with us, she is getting on great with the kids (2 boys aged 2 and 3 yrs) she is very willing to do anything to help etc.
She loves cooking and has been preparing lunch for myself and the children etc. In a nutshell, all is fantastic apart from the vomiting.
She is not a skinny girl so there is no immediate fear of her being rushed to hospital.....
She only uses the bathroom upstairs and only when the children are not present so there is very lilttle risk of them seeing her vomiting.
We are not in the UK so I will try to find a support group here and maybe take it from there.
I really would like to help her even though the whole point of hiring an au pair was to reduce my stress levels, not increase them! I know that soun ds selfish and maybe callous but I am just being honest.

I myself was bullimic for several years and can confirm what many of the other posters have said, that it is a condition that expands to almost every area of your life. it's not something that's done quickly in the toilet for 5 mins, 3x a day, it kinda occupies most of your daily thoughts and goes hand in hand with depression. I think it would impact in the medium term on her ability to have fun with your kids and them with her.

I've also had aupairs for several years and understand your responsibilities. I would certainly approach her about it. I'd suggest a self-help group (didn't use any myself) as I'm sure there are lots of these around?

The worrying thing about eating disroders apart from the physical toll they take is the mental and emotional instability they represent.
All sufferers are using food/ weight as a method of controlling and dealing with other issues.

Now the question is - do you want someone who has such severe emotional or mental health problems that they are self harming caring for your children?

I think you have to find a way of confornting her - actually I found while wokring as a Eating Disorder supporter that the worst cases were those where no-one had dared bring it up - they were colluding in the secret. Also sufferers can be trying to attract attention and if they don't get noticed the behaviuor gets worse.