Nanny/Housekeeper - boundaries?

[PetrovaFossil1]

Hi,

This is long, sorry!

I live in a country in Asia where there is no option for nursery/childminders. The only available childcare option is a nanny-housekeeper, who is generally someone without formal training who does childcare but also other tasks such as cleaning etc.

I'm returning to work part time shortly so we hired someone a few months ago to initially just provide the 'housekeeper' role but when I'm back at work she'll do childcare as well. The idea was that our son would already be familiar with her before I went to work but for now given I'm still at home we were clear she didn't need to do childcare unless specifically asked.

My worry is that she is too attached to my son and overstepping boundaries, but I'm not sure if this is just irrational jealousy and I need to pull myself together!

She's a very caring person which is great and I have no concerns about safety of 8 month old DS with her but she is extremely attached to him. To the extent that if I am playing with him she'll pick one of his favourite toys and try and encourage him to leave me and go to her, specifically saying 'come on, come to me!' and then I would actively have to take him back from her if he goes to her as she certainly wouldn't relinquish him of her own accord. When she arrives in the morning I try to engage in general conversation and all I get back is questions about how my son is.

When we went away for Christmas she cried because she said she would miss DS so much, and repeatedly texted me asking for photos of him. On the occasions I have asked her to keep an eye on DS, from what I have seen, she spends as much time as she can covering him with kisses and holding him, rather than allowing or encouraging him to play or explore.

In her favour, she obviously does care hugely for him and wants him to be happy, but one of my friends popped in to my house recently to drop something off when I was at a meeting and said to me afterwards 'wow, she really wants to be his mum doesn't she?'

Am I being ridiculous, and should I just suck it up and appreciate that the person who is looking after my son cares so much, or should I be concerned?

I think you need to drop her. Her behaviour is really quite worrying and i dont think a chat with her would simply resolve it.

you would have a better idea on this but is there a cultural element? is this how 8 month old babies are treated locally? will you have the same whoever you employ?

The chat point is one I've considered too, as I honestly don't know how I would phrase it clearly! I don't want to forbid whoever is taking care of my child from showing him affection so it's tricky to express to her.

I wouldn't like this. I think it's too personal, you are looking for a more professional (though caring) arrangement with your helper. I used to live in Asia so can relate to the situation there and how it is out there. The nannies are lovely and caring but this seems a tad too much and I also would be jealous. I am sure you could get someone recommended else though the lady you have got sounds like she would be devastated... not easy!

Green that's a really good point. Definitely there is some cultural element but I've spoken to a number of friends who employ people in a similar role and they haven't had the same issues.
Culturally I think babies are carried a lot more in this country, and I suspect if that was my only issue I could address it somewhat e.g. suggesting that my son should be carried less/ only if he makes it clear he wants to be.

I worry however that coupled with her other behaviour this instruction may not be carried out and it's more the overarching approach she has to my son which makes me feel a little uneasy. It has got to the point where I dread her being in the house at the same time as me as I just want to be left alone to enjoy my child!

I think you have to tell her that whilst you are on leave you want to spend as much time as pissible with your ds. If she then doesnt back off you will need to find someone else. I would try first to discuss it as it sounds like she will be a very attentive nanny when u r back at work.

In some countries with a "servant culture", a wealthy mum wouldn't really expect to have much to do with their children, and a nanny who didn't whisk the child away from the parents wouldn't last long. I have a friend who nannied for the saudi royal family, and this was the case, and it can also be the case in countries like India as well. Not all wealthy people (and you will seem wealthy to the nanny) really get involved in the nitty gritty of childrearing, so you might have to make it clear that you only need her to do the childcare when you're actually at work.

In some countries with a "servant culture", a wealthy mum wouldn't really expect to have much to do with their children, and a nanny who didn't whisk the child away from the parents wouldn't last long. I have a friend who nannied for the saudi royal family, and this was the case, and it can also be the case in countries like India as well. Not all wealthy people (and you will seem wealthy to the nanny) really get involved in the nitty gritty of childrearing, so you might have to make it clear that you only need her to do the childcare when you're actually at work.