Au Pair duties - is this reasonable

[sunnyjim]

We're getting an Au Pair in the summer, duties will be:

Get DS 21/2ready (breakfast and clothes) and take to nursery (5 minutes walk away for 8.30am) 3 days a week.

Pick DS up from nursery at 4pm two days a week and occupy him until mum/dad comes home at 5pm.
(i reckon thats 5 hrs)

Do light household jobs:
run hoover round living room twice a week
Sweep/mop kitchen floor twice a week
wash up breakfast things every day
Wash up tea things in turn with us (if eating with us)
Shove on a load of washing once a day - towels, DS clothes, au pair clothes,
Pick up local shopping (tea, milk, stuff from organic shop) once a week/as needed
Take in and put away tesco order once a week
Water plants in garden (pots on patio and plants in herb garden (15 minutes job) every other day.
(an hour and a half a day a day 9weekdays) so 7.5 hours a week)

One evening babysitting
5 hrs

one afternoon/morning activity with DS on a non nursery day. (ie take him to the park (5 minutes away) or to playgroup
3 hrs

So its about 20 hrs a week with a split between childcare and household stuff. I'd only expect the drop off and pick up for the first two weeks and then move onto babysitting etc. Can be pretty flexible about which days Au pair did nursery run as I work p/t. Would give them one full day off during the week and one full day off at weekend.

If aupair has a boyfriend, she can go to his place (provided she comes home before midnight on a school night, lol) and stay over at his on weekends!

I guess with aupairs, I would expect them to be teenagers or barely out of their teens. And they are not given the sort of responsibility a nanny would be. I just don't like men traipsing in and out of my home, with dd and ds around.

Do any of you who employ aupairs have a no-visitors policy?

said this on another au-pair thread so sorry for going on - but au-pairs are here to learn English. Not to look after your adorable children, not to clean your charming house and not to earn your generous wages (although of course they realise this is part of the deal ). That is why some au-pairs will want to be with you in the evening to join in with normal family conversation with adults. The best way to learn English is to chat with English people. To expect an aupair to stay in their room every evening watching their Sky TV, ask yourself why they would not just do that in the comfort of their own country.

Please please please do not expect your au-pair to stay out of sight in the evening to give you couple time. Remember what it's like to have been stuck in the house with small children all day? Au-pairs go through that and worse with the loneliness of being in a strange country. They may well need companionship and a big effort from you to chat.

Best solution - hope she gets a boyfriend fast!

I found that having a terrifying husband helped re the au pair not sitting with us and watching telly. If he was away, she would come and watch telly with me and we'd share a bottle of wine.

thanks, jura. cross-posted, BTW. I suppose prior intro should be sufficient. It would probably be too harsh otherwise.

Re: staying out - this is because I consider us to be in loco parentis and if anything happened to her, I would be responsible for notifying the police. It isn't about keeping tabs on her, but making sure she is safe. When I moved back in with my parents temporarily at the age of 28, I used to call them if I was staying out so they wouldn't worry.

Re: boyfriends, our au pair has a boyfriend and we met him a few times before she asked if he could stay over. My dh was originally of the view that an au pair shouldn't be allowed to have a boyfriend, but particularly since our au pair is a bit older, I said I didn't think you could make cellibacy one of the job specifications!! Mind you, if this one goes quickly and there is another one, I would probably put my foot down as I don't really want my step-children to be exposed to a parade of different men. But I don't think our au pair is like that anyway.

I don't have any difficulty with her having visitors. It's important that she is happy and has a social life so that she stays, but I agree with Jura that you don't want hordes of unknown people pitching up in the wee hours of the morning to carry on a party... That shows no respect for the people you're living with, ime.

Re: curfew - I do think it is reasonable. Not only do I not want to be woken up at 1/2 am by her coming home drunk, but if she is looking after my baby from 07:30, then I want her to be compos mentis. As I say, this has never been a problem anyway.

For us, I specifically stated that although we would provide a television if she wanted one, we would prefer her to spend her evenings in the living room. I would rather know and feel comfortable with someone living in my house than be living with a virtual stranger because there is minimal contact.

Anyway, just my personal take on a few things...

Sorry but no matter how old someone is if they stay out all night without letting me know then words would be had. That goes for me, DH, DS when he grows up and any AuPair or nanny. Its common courtesy surely to let people know?
If Au Pair is going to a specific event and it won't finish til 12, or she has to get back form antoher city (concert/party etc) then I'm okay to extend the 12midnight deadline. I just want it made plain from the beginning that normally we don't expect to have a drunk and incapable 19 yr old rolling in at 2am! OR to have someone hungover and still slightly tipsy taking DS to nursery at 8am.

re: boyfriends, I'm another one who isn't happy to have strange men turning up in my house around my kid uninvited. Of course the Au pair may have a boyfriend, but this is my house and my 2 yr old son. I'm not keen on having a man who I hardly know staying over, having sex and possibly being around in the morning when DS is getting up. Au pairs can have visitors but I have to meet them first and no overnight stays. I think this is reasonable.

Imagine the scene, Au pair rolls in at 1am with this weeks boyfriend in tow. you get up to deal with toddler who woke up when they 'tiptoed' up the stairs giggling. Boyfriend who is a complete stranger gets an eyeful of you in nightie and bare legs and bedhead. Then at 7.30am when Aupair should be hlepign get DS ready for nursery she is still entangled with boyfriend, or she has got up but he is still in bed? Or downstairs facing DS over the breakfast table demanding food while Ds asks 'who is the man in the kitchen mummy?'

I know they are 'here to learn english' Shimmy, but they are also living rent free in your house - they must expect some ground rules. One of mine is I have to be introduced to anyone you want to invite to visit you.

mumpbump, that sounds sensible and strikes a balance. Love the latin, lol!

I agree, the main reason I want my au pairs in at a reasonable time, is that I know that I am responsible for them while they are here. I worry if they are out too late and I have visions of having to phone their parents.

~The rules I have for my au pair (similar to Mumpbumps) will apply to my children too when they are old enough. And although I know that she is here to learn English (and my current au pair is very motivated by this), I have 4 children and I expect all of them, and the au pair to help me out. I pay my au pair extra to do the cleaning - I asked her whether she wanted to do it, or I would get a cleaner, but even so, I spend time sweeping the floor and loading the dishwasher, cleaning the loo etc etc and I expect every adult (and older children) to contribute to this.

I originally said to my au pair that she could sit in the sitting room with us in the evening (I feel it is unfair to banish them to their rooms), but she was so uncomfortable she only did it once! She has unlimited internet access and a tv and dvd etc, and I think prefers to go to her room.

As for boyfriends, I'm knew one of my au pair's boyfriend very well and if she asked, he was allowed to say over occasionally. But I knew him well, the children knew him and we all liked him. My last au pair had a boyfriend I never met, I wouldn't have let him stay over.

sunnyjim, your scenario sounds appalling!

I think it depends on the boyfriend. Our au pair has good taste fortunately and her boyfriend is very polite and respectable. If I hadn't thought he was okay, he would not be allowed to stay over. But, as I mentioned, she's a bit older than most au pairs (25) and is therefore more settled in herself, but I think I might be stricter with a young flighty thing.

I'm not suggesting you allow the Au-Pair to have men stay overnight but surely it's not unreasonable to allow her to have her Boyfriend over for a few hours in the evening, it is after all her 'home' too for the next year.

I personally think if you treat someone as an adult you will in turn get adult behaviour but that's just my opinion.

House rules are all well & good but you have to strike a balance where the Au-Pair doesn't feel like she has become your 15yr old daughter surely!

Do Au-Pairs not get house keys?...Are they not able to lock up when they come home?

I think what you're asking of your au pair would be very reasonable. I used to be an au pair and have one myself now.
The only thing I would say as an ex-au pair and as a current hostmum, is that you can't forget that the whole idea behind having an au pair is that you are taking on a girl who will be part of your family during her stay with you. This means that she will be joining you with your family meals and sit with you while you're watching a film or telly etc... I have a feeling that too often people forget this when they decide to take on an au pair.
My au pair does this and I used to do this during my time as an au pair. In fact, I worry about the au pairs who spend all their time in their bedroom as it makes me feel like they're not happy with us as a family.
With regards to visitors. I allow them to have visitors as long as they let us know well in advance. I don't let boyfriends stay overnight and they've always understood why. Personally I don't think I would have been happy if my own host family would not have allowed me to have visitors around occasionally.
I suspect my attitude as a host mother is very much like shimmy21's. Fairly easygoing. As IMHO if you treat an ap as a member of the family, then they will be happy and if your ap is happy, than surely she'll do her best to make the dc's happy as well.

ScottishThisle. Did you see that as well, someone out there appears to have an ap without a house key? Mine does, I would hate it to keep having to open the door for her every time she goes out.

Belgianchocolatesmama, I'm sure your Au-Pair is very happy!

I do feel you have to get the balance right with the accompanying you in the evening thing otherwise you may never have any time alone as a couple & theAu-Pair may feel obliged to sit with you & feel very uncomfortable!

I can't even believe an Au-Pair (we are talking a girl of 19/20) wouldn't have a house key!

Oh I think we've got it right. Some nights she spends in her room, especially when my dp is home, as for some reason most ap's seem to be a bit scared of dp, even though he wouldnt hurt a fly and is friendly really!
If we really really want couple time, we ask her to baby sit, as it's difficult enough having a peaceful time alone in the house with the dc's around, even if there's no ap around. And of course if she goes out with her friends we've got the evening for ourselves too.
The ap's I worry about are the ones that never seem to come down and dissapear upstairs as soon as I come home and don't come back down again until dinner time or the next day.

I don't think Jura has actually said that her au pair doesn't have a housekey. Some people like to put on extra locks or chains at night depending on where they live. At least, I had a friend who did when she was living in London. I put the chain on the door one Friday evening and forgot to take it off before we went to bed so our au pair had to wake us up at 01:30 to get in... How bad did I feel???

Thanks for that clarification mumpbump, I was getting worried there.

I assumed it was about extra locks too, we have a chain that I like to put across the door last thing at night especially on a friday or if DH is away. I would want to know when the Aupair was coming home so I could put the chain up. Plus our back door only double locks from the inside as do the patio door locks.

Here's my amended house rules:

1. Please do not smack our son EVER
2. Please do not smoke ? in the house or in front of the children, either you or any friend who may visit you
3. Please do not stay away overnight without telling us beforehand, we will let you know if either of us will be away overnight or if we are all away.
4. Please be home by midnight if you are looking after DS the next day. On the nights you are babysitting we will be home by 12 midnight.
5. We would want to be introduced to anyone who you invite over, please let us know if you are inviting a friend over on your days off. Please do not ever invite more than 2 friends over at the same time. Please do not invite friends over when you are caring for Sasha. We do not allow overnight visitors without prior express permission. We will always introduce you to anyone who is staying with us.
6. Do not EVER leave Sasha unattended, unless he is asleep in his cot and you have the monitor.
7. Please keep the mobile phone we give you topped up with credit so that we can use it to contact you. (we will pay for some credit each month)
8. Please ensure you drop DS off on time at nursery and pick him up before 4pm
9. ?quiet? time in the house (for us as well as you) is 10pm-7am Monday ? Friday and 10pm ? 8am Saturday and Sunday. You are welcome to listen to music/watch TV at any time but please use headphones if it is loud or it is during quiet times.

10. Please tidy up after yourself in communal areas, such as bathroom and kitchen, if you use the last of any food please add it to the list in the kitchen. If you use the last milk/tea or toilet rolls please replace.

Like your rules, sunnyjim. They seem very reasonable. I think I have virtually all of them amongst my own rules.
Tell you, rule 7 and 10 are quite important as they are fairly little things that can cause major irritation. No 10 especially is one that our ap's seem really hard to stick to. And it's extremely annoying to find out the bread is all gone at 10pm or to discover that once again all the toilet paper is gone when you really urgently need to go!
I bet you'll find that the big important rules (never leave dd alone, don't stay away overnight without telling, etc...) will be easier to implement than that final one!

No prob Jura!

I'm also a live-in Nanny & sometimes I don't plan to stay out but I do & in that case the chain won't be on the door...even if I wasn't staying out all night I may not be home until 5:30am anyway so not much difference really!

My Boss once put the chain on the door & I had to wake them at 5am, he didn't make that mistake again!

Sunnyjim your new rules sound much more reasonable!

I too would not be in favour of overnight male guests because her room is just next to the kids.

Like another poster - I would like her to behave like I behaved when I was 18 or 19. I certainly wasn't allowed to wait out till all hours and bring men back - it wasn't an open house.

I would expect AP to respect my rules.

I'm a live in nanny and call if i'm going to stay out,just in case theres a fire and they know if i'm in the house or not. And i'm not allowed male overnight guests.I'm single so not a problem at the moment but maybe would become one if i had a boyfriend but tbh wouldn't really feel comfortable bringing men home anyway as the girls i look after are 8 and 10. So i'm happy with those rules.

I was thinking about the overnight guest thing and I think it's easier for us because our room and ds' room are on a corridor which is off from the hallway so there is no risk of bumping into the boyf. If all the rooms opened onto the hall, I guess I might be more bothered...