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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

DD is stealing money from DH wallet

27 replies

ohh · 15/11/2016 10:16

For some time now it has been noticed that notes have 'disappeared' from wallet once left unattended and DD only left in room.(shocked)

DD also suddenly has more cash then originally had in her purse. Often find £5 stuffed into hiding places.

Given a weekly allowance directly into her account which she has access to with a card (13). DH wants to get a camera set up as cannot accuse unless has visible evidence. I think we should do so and then call Police and ask the to have a word to scare her maybe?

We have tried hiding wallet but that just stops her taking it. Never tries from mine but then I hardly have notes to take!

Also she has said "you can hide something(presents) in my room as you will never find it"

What to do????? (confused)

OP posts:

PilkoPumpPants · 15/11/2016 10:20

Is there anyone else living in your house other than you 3?

blackhairbrush · 15/11/2016 10:27

I don't think you should involve the police - do you think you know why she's stealing - bullying, attention-seeking, is she angry with your DH (is he her DF)?

Chloris33 · 15/11/2016 11:50

As a mental health professional who often works with adolescents where there are issues such as stealing going on at home: it is really so much better if you can address this issue within the family without involving the police. Family relationships will deteriorate further if you use this drastic step. It is a family matter, not really a police matter, even though it involves stealing. You need to try to all work together as a family on it. Are there any other behaviour problems going on? Might she need any therapeutic help, as well as, obviously, the boundary holding about it not being ok to steal, which you are addressing.

ageingrunner · 15/11/2016 11:52

I used to steal money for fags quite a few people I knew stole from their parents to buy cigarettes. I'm cringing with Shane now at the thought of it.

ageingrunner · 15/11/2016 11:53

Haha NOT Shane. I don't even know anyone called Shane

NuffSaidSam · 15/11/2016 12:04

Hidden cameras and the police is a massive overreaction.

You know it's her.

Confront her calmly. Talk about it. Punish her (again reasonably and calmly).

Move on.

JinkxMonsoon · 15/11/2016 12:07

Can't accuse without evidence? You're her parents, not the Crown Prosecution Service.

You know it's her, so talk to her and make sure she knows how disappointed you are. Do you think there are any suspicious reasons for wanting extra money, or is she coming home with more clothes/make up/etc than she used to?

Geretrude · 15/11/2016 12:08

A likely story ageing

Yes I agree that cameras and police are a massive over-reaction. If you know that it's her, sit her down and gently ask her about it. Not shouting - but is there something behind it?

And not both of you, one of you. Perhaps your husband as she's stealing from him?

Geretrude · 15/11/2016 12:09

Gosh, sorry, I meant to put a after the there. I was being silly

Meadows76 · 15/11/2016 12:12

No don't call the police. Massive waste of resources for them and lack of taking responsibility on your part. Why on earth do you need a hidden camera? What's with all the cloak and dagger stuff? If you know it could only have been her, she knows it was her, who the hell are you trying to prove it to?

Joz157 · 15/11/2016 12:19

Yes I think you need to be careful . I hurt my foot and asked Dr to go to the mini bank. Did have much in and knew I could change the number. She took an extra ten and lied about it. She was fifteen at the time. In the end I said I would take her word, making a note that nothing had ever happened like this before and of course I would keep an eye open in the future.

I got a call two days later from her school to say she had told them my dh had abused her by hitting her with his belt when she was younger. The school reported it to child protection and social services. Lucky for me I worked in a school and my boss was in charge of all that so he was a big help. I couldn't bring my self to tell dh what did had said. And my other 3 kids fell about laughing when I told them what she had said and that social services were coming to interview them. Dd was always daddy girl and that's what they told social service. I got an official letter clearing him and to this day I don't know why she said what she did, she just wouldn't say . Please think things through before you do anything.

MikeUniformMike · 15/11/2016 12:21

Put fake notes (monopoly type) in the wallet instead of real ones.

Joz157 · 15/11/2016 12:22

Sorry about auto correct. How do I edit it pls.

greenfolder · 15/11/2016 12:24

you don't need evidence, any more than you have. A simple- where did this fiver come from? or Theres a tenner missing from dads wallet should be sufficient. Yes she will strop- let her.

PotteringAlong · 15/11/2016 12:24

We have tried hiding wallet but that just stops her taking it.

Well, in the short term, doesn't that solve the problem? Then you can talk to her about it.

ageingrunner · 15/11/2016 12:26

Gertrude I got what you meant...
I'll admit to stealing but never to knowing Shane

JustSpeakSense · 15/11/2016 12:29

If you are sure it's her taking the money, sit her down for a serious talk as a family, dish out appropriate punishment. And then move on.

Hidden cameras and police involvement are a strange overreaction.

ageingrunner · 15/11/2016 12:30

The way my parents dealt with it was by not leaving the purse in the usual place where I could get access to it without being seen. I knew when my mum started keeping her purse with her that they knew and I was so ashamed that I stopped I would have blamed it on Shane if they'd confronted me

Geretrude · 15/11/2016 12:37

Oh phew ageing. I thought it looked weirdly aggressive

I didn't nick money from my parents but I did nick make up from shops at that age. No real reason - because I could. I hid it from my parents because I thought they'd know I didn't have enough money for sparkly eye shadow. If they'd found out and done the 'we're very disappointed' talk, I would have been mortified and that would have been the end of it.

Original poster

ohh · 15/11/2016 15:57

I thought video evidence and police a bit stiff to. Only takes from DH as his wallet always has notes I don't. She has been asked before and blantantly lied then got cross. Weirdly she gets mostly what she wants whenever asks for it

OP posts:

ageingrunner · 15/11/2016 16:08

It's weird that she only takes notes. Surely that's more likely to be noticed?

usual · 15/11/2016 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzBombBathTime · 15/11/2016 16:13

Why don't you subtly mark the notes if you want to catch her at it so to speak.

pklme · 15/11/2016 16:31

I think it's very much a stage- I did it and I'm as honest as the day is long now. I'd mention to her that she seems to need more money than she is getting, ask her if she needs it for anything in particular, and offer her jobs to earn more. Point out that when DH puts money in his wallet, it is for something in particular and when there is less there than he expects then it causes problems.

Try not to shame her, as she'll just lie to protect herself and feel hard done by.

INeedNewShoes · 15/11/2016 16:35

I used to steal money from the jar my mum kept to collect coins for dinner money.

I was otherwise a very settled and well-behaved child and I am mortified that I used to do this.

I do wonder if it is a phase that many kids go through. I'd be more concerned with older teenagers if there was any suspicion that the money was being used to buy drugs but otherwise just a calm conversation about how its not on should do as a first phase of dealing with it.

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