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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Au pair always in the house

51 replies

Tertius · 12/10/2016 10:19

Our first au pair has now been with us for over a month and I would like some advice from those who have had au pairs. I'm a sahm (which definitely has an impact on how I'm finding the experience).

She is much older than standard - nearly 30 - and very helpful domestically, great at tidying and ironing etc. Pretty good with the kids - although not confident with my toddler which means I have stopped trying to leave the toddler with her as it's more stressful than it's worth.

The problem for me seems to be to do with expectations. She doesn't want to go out hardly at all. She will do school runs but otherwise prefers to be in the house. Sometimes she says she is unwell and stays in bed. Sometimes says she needs to study. It's starting to make me feel claustrophobic as I had naively assumed that someone coming here to au pair would make the most of being in central London! This one really is not. She could be anywhere really.

Anything she has done outside the house has been organised by me - language course, meeting other similarly aged au pairs.

Should I say something? Or just accept that this is how she wants to live? As it stands at present I don't feel I can keep this arrangement as it is after Christmas because I will go mad! I take full responsibility for not having found the right personality but she made all the right noises in interview about wanting to explore London / go out / meet people / get extra jobs. Once she arrived she explained how some things in her personal life back home had recently gone wrong and I realised she had come here to get away from home rather than for positive reasons.

I do need some kind of help with school runs because my kids are at different schools for complicated reasons. I'd love some mumsnet wisdom on this.

OP posts:
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mumsiedarlingrevolta · 14/10/2016 12:04

I had lots of au pairs when my DC were little and I was SAHM.
Lots of different personalities over the years-some much easier to live with than others.
You need to decide what you want her for-and if it is to help look

after your toddler and she can't then it's probably not the right fit...
I did have to let one go as I did not trust her with my DC so it was untenable.
An unhappy au pair relationship can make a very unpleasant atmosphere in the house.
I would never get a 30 year old as the job seems to suit a younger person-meant to be like a big sister.
I think most impt thing is to be clear about your expectations in interview and sit down and have a chat and explain the house rules when she arrives-
even if it is how you share your space-that way you can hopefully prevent this type of situation before it happens.
Also it just might not be the right fit-both of you lovely but not with each other.
I would never have one stay you are not happy living with-and she is clearly not happy either....
Did you go through an agency?

harshbuttrue1980 · 15/10/2016 11:40

There's nothing wrong with being a homebody/introvert. Other people on here moan about having a partying au pair! Everyone is different. Au pairs are paid below the minimum wage and are meant to be treated as part of the family in return. If you had a homebody daughter, I hope you wouldn't be kicking her out of the house. If you want to be able to boss her around and tell her to keep out of your sight, get a nanny and pay nanny rates.

Littlelondoner · 15/10/2016 11:57

Maybe she is genuinely I'll. Has she registered at a Drs?

Where is she from? Cultures are genuinely different in how they view homes. Perhaps she was expecting more of a family environment.

Tertius · 15/10/2016 19:56

Thanks for further thoughts. I'm still working out what to do.

I agree that it's hard to look after toddlers especially if the parents are around. Their relationship is something that I can work on and give a chance to develop.

Of course there's nothing wrong with being a homebody or an introvert. I am one myself - which is one of the reasons why I am finding it hard sharing my house 24/7 with another person. My view point is that if you go and work and live foreign country then it's necessary to make an effort to develop a network or some interests outside the home. Also there's not that much going on inside our house for much of the day, my older children are at school, my husband at work all day, I'm out and about with the toddler. I can't stay in all day or I would get depressed myself.

Being an au pair is not a full time job, it's usually something people do in order to do something else, not an end in itself. So I was expecting her to have some kind of plan, I suppose. And when it became clear that she didn't, I have tried to help her.

Part of the problem may well also be her age as she doesn't want to join au pair groups as she thinks she will be much older than the others. And I guess I should've wondered why someone at this age was wanting to do something more suited to a gap year.

I travelled alone a lot when I was younger and I stayed with families or lived alone and I fully sympathise with how scary / lonely it can be and how much initiative All the same, when it comes to having another person around continuously, it does become draining /

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 18/10/2016 11:19

Too many people take on AuPairs because they are cheap. But forget that they are almost children themselves. If the OP can't stand having someone in the house, then they should get a mother's help or a part time nanny.

LoisEighty · 18/10/2016 11:28

I don't think you can really claim a 30 year old is almost a child...

fashionqueen1183 · 19/10/2016 18:17

You cant expect an au pair to be out all day? Yes going on an English course and meeting friends some times, and they should be helping you with a school run. But out of the house all day is unrealistic! They live with you!

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 05:41

It is a little unreasonable to hire someone from abroad (with no local family, friends or other job) to live in your home, work very part-time hours for very little pay, then moan about the fact that they treat your home as their base. FFS, what else are they meant to do? Expecting them to spend every hour you don't want them around in the library or God knows where is very unwelcoming. If you're not the type who can cope with sharing your home, don't make this highly reciprocal childcare arrangement to begin with.

MissMargie · 23/10/2016 06:06

If you are both doing your own thing then I think I could put up with someone but having to make pleasant chat, when you are busy with something, or work round them in the kitchen, or cleaning whilst they laze about, or constantly feel you must offer cups of tea - then that would annoy me.
Perhaps you can make rules such as no TV in the day (so she goes to her room) or similar as it distracts you from work.

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 06:41

She isn't a child - no TV in the day? Who'd be an au pair, eh?

MissMargie · 23/10/2016 06:53

If she's sitting with the TVs on when op is making business calls then saying no tv seems sensible

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 06:58

The OP already says she turned the music down. But that's not the point. She lives there and she isn't a servant or little child to be sent to her room with no TV. I don't know what on earth makes you think that is okay. Horrible way to treat someone who is away from home for the first time and staying with you. If you want to dictate to someone like this, pay a full-time wage and ask them to sit in their room!

PirateCatOvenGloveOption · 23/10/2016 07:14

Surely her home is with you. It is her home not a 1950's boarding house where she is expected to be out all day and not come back until 4. YABU.

MissMargie · 23/10/2016 07:20

She has her own living area

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 07:22

Pirate, that is exactly what it sounds like Grin I was struggling to put my finger on it. When you think about what is being advertised to these girls - be part of the family, work minimal hours, come and go as you please - and then the frankly archaic attitudes towards them being shown by some posters, it makes you feel incredibly sorry for them. Cheap labour, out of sight, out of mind is more the reality!

MissMargie · 23/10/2016 07:22

If she was a family member you would encourage them to go out to do stuff

MissMargie · 23/10/2016 07:27

The situation is prob not typical as Op is at home, most employers are at work so what aup chooses to do not relevant.
This is an older aup who mislead OP on her intentionsp

cherryplumbanana · 23/10/2016 07:38

You already had some good advice above for the current au pair.

For your next one, you do need to make your requirements a lot clearer. There is no shortage of families who moan if their OP is too independent, only join the family occasionally in the evening but prefer being in their own room, or even go out every single evening - I don't mean partying, just out meeting friends, babysitting, studying, at the gym, with their boyfriend etc.

You have the downside of having an older au pair. Most 30 year olds I know could not bare the idea of living under their bosses roof when it means having to justify everything they do!

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 08:25

How did she mislead the OP, exactly? Sorry if I missed something.

MissMargie · 23/10/2016 08:57

Cba to reread but she told OP she would be babysitting, going on courses, meeting up with others or similar. She is doing none.

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 09:10

I think the OP said those were her assumptions, not commitments from the au pair.

Trifleorbust · 23/10/2016 09:15

Oh I see where in the original post it says she 'made all the right noises about wanting to explore London' etc. Well, expressing an interest isn't the same as making a promise. If this was clearly set up as an expectation, the OP might have more grounds for complaint, but it wasn't. She has only been there a month - perhaps she is looking at opportunities but just hasn't found something she wants to get involved in yet.

PowerPantsRule · 24/10/2016 14:58

I would hate this too, OP. I think what some of the more 'cross' posters are missing is that she mis-sold herself! She implied she would be proactively searching for new friends and exploring London at the interview stage and then has hardly left her room since. So she misled OP at interview. That, combined with the lack of ability with the toddler, would be enough for me. She sounds depressed, and may be better of cutting her losses and returning home anyway.

I would find either a part time nanny or advertise for a capable mother's help type person to do the school runs and be an extra pair of hands. I bet you get some interest for that.

VikingChallenger · 16/11/2016 23:45

Sounds like most posters on this thread are either au pairs or their daughters areGrin
So accommodation and meals are not money? They just fall from the sky. If you add these costs to their weekly pay, especially in London where a single room in a decent location is at least £600 a month, well, doesn't look like such a bad deal to me.
And spare me the crap about an au pair being like a sister or they'd do it out of the kindness of their heart.
I'd be livid if I had a business call and she just sat there. Equally if I was the au pair I'd have left the room anyway, it's common sense?!

harshbuttrue1980 · 20/11/2016 18:17

Accommodation is NOT money. In a non-au pair role (e.g. a live-in nanny), you must pay them at least minimum wage, and can only take off a certain amount for accommodation offset. This amount is set by the government, and is currently £42 per week www.gov.uk/national-minimum-wage-accommodation/rates
This can't be exceeded, no matter how plush the accommodation is - so the previous poster's comment about £600 a month is a load of crap.
With an au pair, you can pay below the minimum wage. This is on condition that the au pair can live AS PART OF THE FAMILY. If they aren't treated as part of the family (sharing meals, access to the living room and kitchen etc), then they aren't an aupair, they are a nanny. If they're a nanny, they must be paid minimum wage minus a maximum of £42 a week. The OP wants it both ways - au pair wages and excluding the poor girl from the family.