Should I tell my nanny not to bring people to my house

[turinbrakesarefab]

Some perspective please. I have a nanny who looks after my 1 and 5 year olds. She is lovely and genuinely enjoys her job. I count myself lucky to have her, no complaints.

However, today she had two other nanny friends round with a total of 5 under 4s. They did this a lot during the holidays, which is fair enough but it is becoming a bit more of a regular thing during term. They will turn up after the school run and stay till pick up time, do lunch, the whole shebang.

Now where I am losing my sense of humour. Today, they tried to get one of the kids to go to sleep in my older daughter's bed (nobody asked whether I'm ok with this but heyho). One of them (not mine) tried to shut the curtains and managed to tear the fixings out of the wall. I have no idea how she managed to do that but the rail was rocksolid before and now I have a massive whole in the wall.

They moved a bunch of furniture, including heavy dining room table. I don't want to sound precious but I now have to move it all back.

A couple of other things but this is getting long.

I really don't want a bunch of strangers and assorted kids trashing my home while I'm at work. Would it be unreasonable to tell my lovely nanny no more house visits. She will be upset and I understand my youngest enjoys the company.
Also, on a more practical level, she is insured under my home insurance but no idea how this would extend to other nannies who are also effectively working while here.

All your thoughts much appreciated!

Occasional play date fine. I used to have my NCT group round for most of the day so it's just the nanny equivalent I guess.

But moving furniture and not putting it back is disrespectful (and lazy).

A child using your DD's bed is out of order. If the child needed a nap she should have been taken home.

I'd be very annoyed about the wall. I wouldn't make her pay for it, but I'd strongly state that this was unacceptable. Why did they even need to touch the curtains?

Thank you stayathomegardener. That's what I'll do. She actually used to do an activity Tue mornings that DC2 really enjoys and that seems to have stopped in favour of these meet ups, which is a shame. Will state some clear rules.

Crikey! I read the title and thought YWBU but then I read the OP! Bed use, moving furniture and wrecking things is absolutely not acceptable!

Our nanny has playdates at ours once or twice a week and I am fine with that. I think it's nice that she gets to socialise and our daughter does too. But other than the odd ripped page in a book, no damage is caused and they don't seem to go beyond the common areas of the house.

Meet ups need to be restricted at your home, it's not a public place.
Your home is going to be so grubby with all those young children hanging out there.
Suggest they have their meet ups in the park or coffee shop, or at one of the activity groups, they could organise to go to together.

Am I missing something? Why do they always come to your house? Why isn't it once to each of the houses, perhaps twice a week - that means you get invaded once a fortnight and have a lovely calm clean house 3 other days a fortnight and the dc and the Nannies still get to meet up regularly ?

she shouldn't be mortified at not being able to host all day gatherings at your home, she should be mortified at the damage caused and the gross over-stepping of personal boundaries (putting a strange child to sleep in your DD's bed??).

I agree with everyone else. Seems a bit of a piss take so often with so much damage.
I'd also want to know who the other people are and if they've had checks done, insurance if in my house all day with my kids. Don't assume the other employers have done these.
Also around here some nanny / childminder groups run which means the mess is somewhere else like a children's centre.

Oh I'd be v pissed off if activities were stopped to facilitate the play dates. I set the activities. That is your prerogative. I allow one day free of stuff because it's nice not to have to run around all the time but I can see why you are annoyed.

Am I missing something? Why do they always come to your house? Why isn't it once to each of the houses, perhaps twice a week - that means you get invaded once a fortnight and have a lovely calm clean house 3 other days a fortnight and the dc and the Nannies still get to meet up regularly ?

Well, apart from having to get builders in to mend the wall and moving heavy furniture around after, of course.

And there is the insurance thing again...

Just to reiterate: it's not every day and they do take turns! She also does loads with the kids and is super reliable. This is something that started as a bit of a special thing over the holiday (I think) and is getting a bit too full on now. I'll take the advice of pre-arranged playdates ok, all day get togethers and sleepovers, not ok.
Also, DC1 quite upset by damage done to her room so that is definitely off limits. Thanks all. Good to get the varied comments. I understand nannying can be isolating and wouldn't want her to feel she can't be comfortable in the house.

She actually used to do an activity Tue mornings that DC2 really enjoys and that seems to have stopped in favour of these meet ups, which is a shame

I can't believe that your nanny stops taking your DC to an activity in order to have her mates over and all you think is, it's "shame". You're being taking for a fool.

Probably Chippednail. I am finding it difficult to remain in employer mode when it's about my own kids. I want my nanny to be happy and enjoy looking after the children, therein lies the problem. Thank you for your advice.

OP you sound like a lovely employer. Very calm and reasonable. Take some of the frothing here with a pinch of salt! Don't let them wind you up.

I read it that this is the first time some damage has been done, is that right? It's really annoying for you and your nanny should be massively apologetic, but accidents do happen. I don't believe that any parent or childminder or nanny sits in the room with a child for the entire time they are asleep in case they wake up and try and open the curtains! So, I'd ignore the nonsense about the child not being supervised properly. We ALL leave children sleeping unsupervised.

With the dining room table it would depend on why it was moved and why it wasn't moved back again? If she moved it to make space for your children to make a den/play twister/set up a train track and she left it incase they want to play again tomorrow then surely reasonable (if annoying). If she moved it to accommodate all the people she had in your house then that's a different issue.

With the Tuesday activity, do you know why she's stopped going? If she's stopped for these playdates then that is unacceptable. Is it possible it's closed down/being refurbished/under new management/gone up in price etc.? Again, it depends on why.

I think you've got the right approach. I wouldn't ban playdates all together, but lay down some ground rules. For example, she needs to ask in advance, she needs to limit it to a few hours at a time (no sleepovers), she needs to limit to once a week at most, she needs to make sure the children are getting out to playgroups/the park etc. as well, she needs to make sure playdates are in communal areas only.

Thank you Nuffsaid. Mumsnet is great, I am finding all the feedback very useful and reassuring.
I do accept the curtain was an accident and don't think it was caused by an unsupervised child. Furniture was moved to accommodate a travel cot. There were a couple of other things. It's not a huge deal overall, it is more about feeling that my house is being used by people I don't know who perhaps don't treat it with enough respect.
I am glad the consensus is that I don't have to put up with this as being part and parcel of employing someone in my home.

People arriving with travel cots seems a bit much! And she should have made sure the table was put back in that case.

I would definitely ask that she limit the playdates to a few hours in the morning or after-school and not all day ones.

I wonder whether the other nanny who is staying all day is seeking refuge at your house because of issues at her own employers house (builders, mum on ML, sick parent etc.). I've both taken refuge and hosted someone else in those circumstances, but always with my employers full consent.

I'm a nanny and would be horrified if any damage was done on my watch by other people (and would most definitely put any furniture etc back that was moved). I think if they fit in with routines then play dates are great. Gives the children a nice variety and time with other children but I wouldn't take my charges to someone's house when they were due to sleep and I wouldn't be happy allowing other children to sleep if they came to us. As people have said, tell your nanny you're happy for play dates to continue but maybe just for a few hours at a time and mention your child would like to go back to the Tuesday morning activity as they really enjoyed it. Your nanny will understand, she seems very genuine!

I am finding it difficult to remain in employer mode when it's about my own kids. I want my nanny to be happy and enjoy looking after the children, therein lies the problem.

I completely understand this. It's so hard when children are in the middle- hence it's very different from "my cleaner/gardener/window cleaner/insurance broker is taking the mick". You don't want the nanny to be unhappy and leave because your DC are happy and comfortable in her care. I think the damage gives you a good - and reasonable - excuse to bring it up and set some new boundaries (eg "Now I think about it, it's a shame you don't go to X on a Tuesday morning any more..." etc etc.

Yeah we're all just frothing about fixtures being pulled out of walls and random children occupying beds in the OPs house, oh and now a travel cot.

No froth. Seriously. All your opinions are valid and appreciated.
I completely accept that I have failed to give my nanny proper guidance, that is my mistake. She is young, she hasn't been a nanny for long and it is my responsibility to set the rules. I was just a little uncertain as to what others would feel is acceptable. Thanks to Mumsnet I am now very clear!

Such an awkward situation for you and I understand you need to come at it from a friendly angle so as not to alienate her.
I would speak to her and explain that you find it awkward having another child in your child's bed and you're not very happy about the children being left unattended as damage was done, (and not normal play date damage). Hopefully she will understand.
Say they can come over for max 2 hours and stay in X room.
If she is respectful which you paint her as then I'm sure she'll understand

I would also consider the point as to whether you are happy for your DCs to be spending entire days at other people's houses. One of theadvantages of having a nanny is that My DCs get to be at home when appropriate e.g. For a long afternoon nap DC2 has his own cot. Of course there are exceptions but I wouldn't be happy with my DC being set up in a travel cot or child's bed in someone else's home on a semi regular basis.

So my point being there may be more to be said than just what you're ok happening in your house.

I'd be very cross. She can do play dates in playground and playgroup !! Have a word with her.

That's a good point about the children being out of the house for the whole day sometimes

Yes TheClacks. Routine for DC2 is important and I am ok with being flexible as an exception but agree. Argh.