Have I been unlucky? Nannies don't stick around.

[CrispyFB]

I went back to work in January after nearly 8 years as a SAHM. My new job is full time (sadly, it's not compatible with part time) and fabulous.

I have four children, 9, 7, 5 and 2 and the youngest is in full time nursery so it's only the older three to care for after school and full time in the holidays.

The 5 year old has ASD/PDA but if he's handled "right" he's actually less hassle than the older two! Unfortunately after school club was too much for him when I first went back because so many of the older children didn't give him the space he needed and one of the teachers didn't always follow the guidelines we had given (according to our reliable oldest) and was ordering him about. As a result he was excluded after a week following a meltdown which is why we've gone down the nanny route.

Our first nanny was the first one I interviewed (although I did interview another who seemed okay) and I just knew she was "the one". She was perfect, too good to be true. The children loved her and she loved them. My son never melted down for her because she treated him as we told her to. Unfortunately after three months she had to move out the area because of her husband's work. We are friends on FB and she regularly posts on my posts about the children saying she misses them.

I hoped we'd find somebody again really fast but it took over a month and although I interviewed lots of nannies, it was awful. The first one seemed keen, a bit critical of her current employer but as soon as I asked for references basically said it wasn't for her. The second one wanted £15/hour in an area that pays £10/£11 at most. The third also seemed keen, said she'd send over her paperwork and then never bothered. Then there was nobody because I'd exhausted all the possibles and no new ones showed up. Finally somebody we know through the school happened to spot my profile on childcare.co.uk and said she was becoming available and got in touch.

She is lovely, the children like her, and she's been working for us three weeks now. Our son has been fine with her too, no meltdowns to report, or at least nothing serious. Today she handed in her notice (one week - we are SCREWED) because her grandfather needs looking after in his home full time and nobody else will do it. I think it's genuine because she hasn't seemed unhappy at all and I am a very easygoing person who gives them a lot of flexibility, and our children are usually very well behaved aside from a bit of normal sibling bickering! Neither nanny has had anything other than praise about them (their teachers say the same - it's not just mummy-goggles - ASD son improved immensely at school too once first nanny took over). And I personally try and be the employer I would want to have. If anything I'm too much of a pushover.

Have we just been really unlucky? Because there is NO WAY I can go through this with a third nanny. My ASD son was already really unsettled at the change of nanny the first time, it's going to be horrendous a second time and if it happens again, well, yeah. I've stated in my job advert VERY clearly that we need somebody long term too.

Going back to work has saved my sanity (I was seeing a doctor for depression and anxiety until I got my career back) but with unreliable childcare like this I don't think I can keep working. It's not fair on my children to keep flipping nannies like this, plus my anxiety means I get so stressed and upset with the interview process as I am so shy.

We've asked agencies in the past but they only seem to cater for full time nannies, and we only need after school plus holidays.

Is it normal for nannies to just not last more than a few months at best? When I take on a job in my career I intend it to be for the foreseeable, at least a few years. Because if so, I am going to have to hand my notice in and my dreams will be shattered. I'm already feeling sick and a wreck over having to do the nanny search yet again, especially as there's such a rush now, but to do this a fourth time this year if the next one falls through - I just can't. That'll be it.

Thanks! She seems promising, perfect on paper at least and very keen, and I'll meet her on Saturday for a chat. She can (probably) only do three days, but there's a chance our outgoing nanny might be able to cover one of the other days, and between DH and I, we can probably time-shift the last day in some way.

My only concern really is if she decides to leave too, and there's no longer space in nursery on the two days DD4 will have dropped. It's one thing DH coming home early to do school pick-up and then WFH but he can't regularly WFH two days a week all day until we find a replacement (and I certainly can't!) Ugh, so stressful.

Could you hire a temp (from a reputable agency) to fill in until the dust settles and you figure out how all will work?

We're sorted until term starts at least, but yes, if we haven't got somebody by then, we will definitely have to hire a temp! Assuming there are any who are happy to do after school only..

A temp might be doing mornings somewhere else. You should make it clear in your ad that you are willing to consider someone who works mornings - emphasise that there will be no sudden requests to cover mornings, that you have mornings 100% sorted.

Temps at the main agencies tend to be people who just do temp and are between bookings or awaiting the start of as perm job.

Sorry, but I can't imagine 4 DC for 4 hours a day at £10 p/h wouldn't be that attractive as for a nanny!
I have one DC and I'm in central London. I pay between £13-15 p/h for after school childcare!
I found an amazing woman who was doing a masters. She was looking to support herself whilst studying and found the after school hours really suited her. She was incredibly smart and helped with homework. I found her on childcare.co.uk

My advice would be, actively look for students doing HE, especially in the form of a masters or PHD. Their holidays would also mirror yours. They are very motivated as it is only a temporary situation for them.

Of course the downside is they will only be with you for a year.

It sounds like the money wasn't worth their while if something else came up. To be honest, you should be paying a higher rate if they are doing far shorter hours than a fulltime nanny on £10-11 an hour. Especially if they will be looking after four children including one with special needs. The request from one applicant of £15 an hour wasn't unreasonable.

I'm not in London, and it's only three DC - they're 9, 7 and 5 so it's not like they're toddlers, and they're more than capable of being left unsupervised in the house. The 9 year old requires zero effort at home in particular, as she just wants to do her own thing - she doesn't join in. Even the 5 year old just sits playing computer games if he's at home unless there's an activity he wants to do.

If a nanny wants to bring her own child along, then yes, there will be more children, but she won't have any childcare costs. Ironically she'll be earning more than me as my salary covers childcare, travel and pension and that is it.

Both times I've employed a nanny, I've asked what they charge and they have said £10/hour and that's what they want. I'm hardly going to say "How about I pay you £12?" Every single local nanny who lists a salary on childcare.co.uk has between £8-£11 an hour, even the part time ones. The £15/hour one is still advertising (and logging in daily) two months later, and she has her own baby.

There's no higher education places near us, unfortunately.

It's probably worth making it clear I don't need mornings, I agree.

Hopefully the nanny I am seeing tomorrow will work out. She will cost us a bit more but not as much as a full time nanny would and if she's reliable and sticks around, it's worth it.

Good to know a temp might well be possible!

And in both cases, it wasn't that a better job came up. The first one genuinely relocated, and the second one really does have a family commitment that has cropped up. She's even considering seeing if she can cover one day a week for us if we can't get five days cover, so she's clearly not unhappy with the children or the salary.

I can see you stated nanny but have you considered a childminder, if you ds. Was able to cope with afterschool club perhaps he could cope with a cm? Maybe worth looking at other options if you are struggling to find a nanny for the hours you need x

So we have a new nanny :-)

Thanks to the suggestions here, we decided we'd be less likely to have future reliability problems if we went with a full time nanny. As stated, we can't afford that, but we have found a nanny who would like two full days a week (for our two year old) and after school on the third day for all four. She will have another family during the other times. She is very experienced (she was a childminder for years too) including in ASD, has full qualifications etc and of course seems lovely. She also has a good "nanny network" in case of sickness etc too.

Our current nanny will stay on doing one day a week as it seems she's been able to arrange that (so we're clearly not the family from hell!) and she may be able to do the odd fifth day too. The rest of the time, husband and I will try and time shift things at work or perhaps use after school clubs or a childminder if it's just one day. We'll see how it goes!

It's going to cost us a not insignificant amount more, but it's better that than giving up work..

Thank you for all your advice and suggestions :-)

So glad it worked out! Sounds like there should be a bit more flexibility built into your new arrangements for when things (inevitably) go wrong, so hopefully it will all work well and be worth the extra cash (and the nanny years aren't for ever, I always tell myself, not quite convincingly...)

When I say "should" I mean "is" - the nanny network is extremely useful when things go wrong (sickness etc) but also for babysitting or just finding out about events/activities.

Thank you! Yes, I think with two nannies including one with a network, we're giving ourselves a lot more options. And our youngest will love getting to explore more - right now as lovely as her nursery is, it's just one place.

I'm guessing we have at least another decade of needing somebody after school at the very least.. right now that does feel like forever!!

So glad you have found something that works! Xx

Thank you! Fingers crossed we have a bit of stability now for at least several months..!