New Nanny

[smearedinfood]

I just looking for advice on how to phrase a conversation. My new nanny apparently is really chatty with my husband, but not so much with me. She works 3 days a week.

I'm a breast feeding/blw/ attachment parenting type Mum, I think she's used to doing everything on a schedule.

My usual routine when I am home, is to do the school run with my almost 2 year and 5 year, then take 2 year old to baby group. Feed him at baby group, let him nod off in the buggy on the way home. Give him some more to eat when he gets home, do some quick errands around the house/playing. School pickup. Give everybody tea at 5.30pm.

She appeared fine with this at at our handover days. Although the nanny appears to be very risk averse and was surprised I let my 5 year take himself to the toilet in a café (there was only one loo and I could see it from my seat).

I just get the feeling she is generally dismissive of me, we had a conversation the other day about grapes. I was a baby led weaning Mum and I just let my two year eat unchopped grapes, she was going on about how you should chop grapes into four, I was saying he can cope just fine... (he just sucks out the insides and puts the skins back).

The house is spotlessly tidy when I get home, which is nice but I suspect my 2 year old is spending watching a lot tv rather that getting out of the house and going out.

This morning I said my 2 year could have gnocchi for lunch and she said he wouldn't like it. (seems to eat it with me). Often we are in a rush in the morning so didn't push it and I like taking my older one to school, but often she is running 5-10 mins late.

She says my two year has a very strong personality. (what two year old doesn't?).

I would like her to take my two year out every day but it doesn't appear to happen. Apparently he nods off really early, so they miss the good baby groups, but my main feeling its because he hasn't been taken out in the day, we can't get him down early enough. So we have this vicious circle.

Also this morning she charged into my 5 years bedroom saying something about not liking his behaviour, he was sulking in the bed, I walked in and asked what it was about, she scarpered, we went and found his shoes. I'm not sure what it was about, I've texted her (two hours ago - I'm at work) she hasn't responded...

I have heard of children choking on grapes so I always chop

As a professional your nanny would have to chop the grapes to stop the risk, tho very small of choking and dying

I don't think you can moan at your nanny for being safety conscious

Same with allowing a child to go to the toilet alone in a public place

We are paid to look after children and keep them safe

Other issues - are you always there the 3 days she works?

A 2yr should be able to stay awake am for activities then lunch then sleep

Ask nanny to take out more

There have been several deaths recently from toddlers/young children choking on grapes. The size/shape of a grape blocks the airway perfectly and is extremely hard to dislodge so I'm totally on your nanny's side for cutting them. I was always very safety conscious as a nanny. I'm far more lax as a parent.

I would sit your nanny down and have a chat about expectations. Maybe ask if there's a particular reason she doesn't want to go to certain groups. I used to go to one group that Mum Boss loved and I absolutely hated it so we agreed I'd find something else. You are the employer. You can insist she goes out every day even if it's just to the park to run off some energy.

The food thing is weird. Why would a toddler not like gnocci? Maybe she wasn't sure how to cook it?

I get the safety conscious thing, with the grapes. That's fine. I let that one be.

The toilet, I could see from my chair.

I'm at work when she's at home. I think with my last nanny we just clicked a bit more personality wise and this one there seems to be less chat.

I'll keep on about the 2 year getting taken out the house. It's probably the best way to go.

I wouldn't let mine eat whole grapes. They are well known hazard. A nanny has to do safest option as its her job.

Same with safety, a nanny will probably be insured, with that she can't let a 5 year old go off alone to toilets outside home.

Also some baby groups can be very much parent only and not very nanny friendly. The ones near us won't even let a nanny or childminder attend as say they are parent only groups. Could she do something else like take him swimming or invite a small friend over?

The grapes and safety thjng are fair enough.
It does just sound like your personalities are not compatible, do your children seem to like her though?
I'd be concerned that she's not taking the 2 year old out much. Maybe make it clear to her you'd rather she take DS out And come back to a bit of mess.

Hmm I agree about the grapes and the loo and we did blw more attachment style parenting.

But one thing I did get from your post is that it is unclear if you're actually leaving her in sole charge when she's there. If she's on duty you do need to leave her to it.

That said if she tells you your child doesn't like something he does you can politely say "he does like gnocchi. I tend to make it XYZ way but he'll also eat it A or B ways".

The getting out and going to stuff and wrong nap times needs a proper conversation where you make it clear what your expectations are. I let a nanny go once when she prioritised an easy afternoon with a late napping child over his needs and our family life - he wouldn't go down until after 10pm on those days!

A good nanny will keep your house tidy (well, as tidy as you leave it) and take your children out and about.

My last nanny would take my son to an agreed activity in the morning, and then decide on something herself in the afternoons (sometimes at home, sometimes out again). Every night I would come home and the house was as I left it and he had had a great day.

You are the employer, so it should be up to you how it works. Maybe sit down together and come up with some ideas for outings?

With the grapes and the toilets though, I can see that she needs to manage the risks and I would prefer someone to be too cautious than not.

Is she keeping a daily diary so you can keep an eye on activities / foods ? Maybe your 2yo is becoming a bit faddy and she wants him to eat more than pasta?

It's easy to arrange paid for activities for 2/3 days? Nice to have some flexibility though particularly as the weather has improved.

Are you expecting her to complete a weeks worth of "nanny duties" in her three days? Change bedding, do all kids washing and ironing incl uniform and batch cook?

Sit down with her and say that you would ideally like the 2 yr old to get out for a while every morning unless she has arranged a playdate at the house [assuming you have a garden]. I wouldn't be too bothered about a bit of TV while she preps lunch or dinner for the two of them but otherwise it's unnecessary unless he is off colour.

I have some sympathy as we were a very "unscheduled" house and our nanny found it difficult to get what she needed done without a scheduled 2 hr nap in the middle of the day. Your 2yo is getting a bit old for it now though - sometimes it's just a 30 mins sofa snooze or a bit of low key Sarah and Duck. If she is clinging to her two hour nap time and not wearing him out for the rest of the day, then it is going to cause you issues at bedtime.

I let a nanny go once when she prioritised an easy afternoon with a late napping child over his needs and our family life - he wouldn't go down until after 10pm on those days! If you think this is the issue then give a warning, then get rid.