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CM Club : Other CM's, can i have your help please

24 replies

saltire · 11/01/2007 15:36

I have been minding for 6 years. Currently i have
mindee 1 who is 2
mindee 2 who is 2
mindees 3& 4 who are 7 and 4.

Mindee 3&4 mum said to me today
"does x(my DS1) not like mindees 3&4, they say he is always trying to hit, push and annoy them. Every day they mention it"
Now this has been a problem that is getting worse and i am just at the end of my tether today, i'm writing this in tears. I just cannot handle it any more. I did try posting once before in behaviour section but got not many replies.
It's his behaviour full stop that's bothering me, but it's also starting to bother me how he reacts to mindees.
For example, the two younger ones, he is always trying to pick them up, and do "play" fighting with them. he will pinch toys from them, tell they have been naughty and have to have time out. With the older ones, he will do things like, swing his jumper round his head, knowing full well it will hit them, or, today for example,mindees 3&$ were on the sofa with DS2. DS1 went and sat on the sofa, in front of mindee 3, then tried to push her off the sofa by stretching his legs out. We have had to put sky sports channels on to lock, because if we were having a quiet afternoon watching a film or tv, he would switch sky sports on.
My DH, my mum and MIL all say it's my fault how his behaviour is because i childmind, and don't give him any attention

OP posts:

hennipenni · 11/01/2007 16:02

Sorry, don't have much time to type an answer but how old is your DS?


yearoftheox · 11/01/2007 16:06

How old is ds1? Does he have any other behavioural problems e.g. language, temper, responding to instructions etc. I say this because my ds was a bit similar and he turned out to have Asperger traits.

I'm afraid that IME the older generation don't offer much sympathy and would also disapprove if you went out to work. Actually, childminding DOES have an impact on your own children, and sometimes it's difficult, especially with certain individuals or ages. However there are benefits too including lots of socialisation.


saltire · 11/01/2007 16:09

DS1 is 8, 9 in March.
It's not just his behaviour with mindees that bothers me, although, obviously it's a concern. I also am at the end of my tehter with his behaviour full stop. I tried sitting him down and explaining that i childmind so that i can take him and his brother to school in the morning and pick them up in the afternoon, while still being able to earn money for treats.

OP posts:

yearoftheox · 11/01/2007 16:22

You ARE quite busy by the sound of it - do you have any days without mindees?

Could ds1 be picked up and looked after by grandparents from school one day a week to give you and him a break?

Is there any scope for changing your mindees - perhaps younger ones rather than after school ones, or whatever would suit best?


S88AHG · 11/01/2007 16:25

Hi I am a CM and have dd 8 she is like that some days thinks she is in charge of mindees and bosses everyone around. But also she plays with someone at school that turns her into a horible brat and she knows I hate it, I just put her in time out everytime she does something horrid and give the mindees the attention. I think it is just the age, because if I have nomindees here she is just as bad!!!!!


saltire · 11/01/2007 16:28

I have mindee 1 3 days a week. Mindee 2 i have 11.15 till 5pm every day. 3&4 i have Wednesday am, the younger of the two from 9 till 12, then after school, on Wed, Thur and Fri. We live far from grandparents.
I think part of the problem is that Ds1 has such different likes to DS2. DS2 will play Star Wars, lego, houses etc with the two girls i mind, whereas all DS1 wants to do is play football or sports related games. This of course causes problems if he wants to go upstairs and play for 1/2 hour on the PS2, and then finds his younger brother and two mindees up there playing their version of Star Wars. So tehn he wnats to come down and watch sport on TV, or get out his subbuteo game, but then thats not ideal with two under 3s in the house.
I just don't know what to do, i feel like such a crap mother and such a crap childminder

OP posts:

saltire · 11/01/2007 16:30

S88, that's what DS1 is like, even if i have no mindees he is just horrendous. I have none today for example, and both DS are gorunded for fighting in the playground on way home, got covered in mud, and then when we got home, DS1 pulled all the heads and legs off DS2 star wars figs he got for Christmas

OP posts:

S88AHG · 11/01/2007 16:31

I dont allow minded children to go upstairs so if my own children want to get away from them they can. Maybe if yo uhad that rule for after school that might help, I know it seems unfair he has to go upstairs to get away from them, but you are working and at least you are there picking your children up from school, so dont feel bad you are doing a good job and he needs to realise that you are in charge not him!! Easier said then done I know!!! You had a bad day today just remember tomorrow is another day and things can only get better!! I have alot of sympathy for you!!!!


yearoftheox · 11/01/2007 16:32

......also tips for making evenings go quicker:

after school let them run around in the playground (if its safe to do so) for a while

if walking take the longer route home via letterbox or whatever

snacktime - make longer by letting them make their own Nesquik drinks, spread their own bread (try not to look!). Good opportunity to encourage older ones to help the younger ones.

Having the tv on doesn't usually work for mixed age groups - things seem calmer without it.

Anything my ds doesn't want to share he has in his own room. He has his own playdough.


saltire · 11/01/2007 17:37

I did have the "no mindees upstairs " rule, but then decided that my 2 were old enough to decide when to say "no, don't touch those toys" to mindees. Perhaps i should enforce it for a while, it might give DS1 a bit of peace. He shares a room with his brother, as our third bedroom is tiny. Perhpas i can tell him that if he needs peace to play his subbuteo, or read his footie books he can go in there and do it

OP posts:

S88AHG · 11/01/2007 17:46

I think that would be a good idea and also maybe discuss it with it with him before just telling him its the rule to make him feel included. I just find it easier if they stay down here as I can see whats going on too!!!!! Good luck with it all and failing that sell him on ebay!!!!!!!


S88AHG · 11/01/2007 17:46

I think that would be a good idea and also maybe discuss it with it with him before just telling him its the rule to make him feel included. I just find it easier if they stay down here as I can see whats going on too!!!!! Good luck with it all and failing that sell him on ebay!!!!!!!


S88AHG · 11/01/2007 17:47

Sorry again x


StrawberrySnowflakes · 11/01/2007 19:07

i cant help hun sorry, but wanted to bump for you..maybe put it in behaviour as well just to see what response it gets?.good luck


Cwmbranchildminder · 11/01/2007 20:48

. Change to no mindee's upstairs - if they have the run of down stairs I feel why should they take over upstairs as well.
Make a rule chart and ask your ds to help you and work on it together.Then ask him to help you put this together with your mindee's. Ask your son to help you with your chores i.e drink making/cook tea. When he reponses to you - say to him how proud you are and happy he;s your little helper and how you couldnt do it without him. Make him feel extra special,even for small things. I find praise works a great deal.
Seperate your son's toys to your mindee's toys where possible. If your son has had lots of nice toys off Father Christmas he will certainly begrudge the other mindee's helping themselves and playing with them.
Have your son had behaviour problems in school?


LoveMyGirls · 11/01/2007 21:17

I have the no mindees upstairs rule, dd1 can go in her room and play with her stuff but knows i am here if she wants me and when she does come down i make a fuss of her and say how i've missed her and love it when she comes down to play (though i do undertsand she needs her space away from mindees' particularly as the most recent addition has been unsettled and cried a lot, it tried my patience so i didn't think it was fair for her to have to deal with it) dd2 didn't mind and carried on playing... now he's settled they both played for ages at the dining table today with aquadraw which was actually dd2's xmas pressies but as shes only 15mths she doesnt know so doesnt mind sharing. mindee is 2 and dd1 is 7 so maybe thats an idea for them to play together?

I also buy stickers for dd1 (who wants to be a teacher) to give out to mindee's and i praise them and her for good behaviour
eg she gives mindee a sticker for not crying and i praise him for not crying and her for being kind to mindee.

I do disapline though, under no circumstances is she to tell them off, if she does anything that is not acceptable then i warn her she will go to bed early if she carries on, this works well most of the time, if she is good we let her stay up later at weekends give her pocket money and she doesn't have to go to bed early which means she gets to stay up and have extra one to one time with us (well usually her dad if im being honest, by the time 7pm comes and dd2 is in bed i get on with finishing cleaning and our dinner and then chill out)

hope some of this helps. Firm but fair is my intention. i am probably too hard on dd1 at times and i do try not to be but if i give an inch she will take a mile.


mogs0 · 11/01/2007 21:41

I'm afraid I don't have much advise either.

It's such a shame that your family can't be more supportive or helpful and try to think of ways to change his behaviour. My family have a similar attitude. I'm sure they'd moan more if I put him in childcare or didn't work and have any money!

I hope things get better for you.


KaySamuels · 12/01/2007 08:33

Hi saltire hope you're feelin a bit better about things today.

I would definately let your boys have the space upstairs, that way they can play on their own or bring a game down if they want to share it. My step sons are 8 and 10 and when I started childminding they would invite my mindees to play in their room but then the mindees would nag them to let them go up so I now enforce the rule that mindees do not play upstairs and my word is law! It's nice to have less rooms to tidy at the end of the day, gives your family some space they can call their own and you can watch the lo's.

Do you think your ds would benefit from a reward chart, my ds is only 2 but if he has had a good week he gets a treat on a sunday (ie a comic, swimming, etc). I agree with cwymbran he will love ott praise, even for the smallest thing.

It's hard being a childminder, and I think all mums feel guilty no matter what they are doing so don't let judgemental people upset you.


saltire · 12/01/2007 12:16

Hi, sorry i didn't get back to thread last night, Dh was on computer - he had a cheek i thought!
Anyway had chat with DS1 last night. We are going to do a smiley face chart for him, he then gets a Match magazine ,(which he loves, as i said he loves sport). Also, i have told him that if Ds2 and mindees are playing a game downstairs that he doesn't want to join in then he can go upstairs, and i won't allow the others up, or he could go and watch sky sports news in our room. Watching TV is not an ideal solution i know, but he loves watching it(sky sports i mean).
I also explained to him that if i didn't childmind then i would need to go out to work, which would mean them going to a childminder, and that i did so we had extra cash for treats.
I have noticed (and run the risk of being shot down in flames) that problems we had in the past all stem from older girls. i very rarely have over 5's, in the past i had a 6 year old, and her and DS1 were always bickering, a 9yr old, and again her and DS1 were always bickering. They both cottoned on pretty quickl;y that DS1 would retaliate if they did something to him, and i would tell him off.
Today i was keeping an extra eye on them all. The older girl i mentioned in the OP was sitting rolling a small metal curtain pole across the floor. ( we have been getting new windows in and it must have been left out by mistake) Anyway DS1 said to her not to play with it as it wasn't a toy and to give it to him. She wouldn't, and i stood back for a couple of minutes to see how he reacted. He came to tell me that she was playing with something she shouldn't. So i asked her to give it to DS1, and as she did I heard her whisper something to him, " I hate you" Is what she said. Then i asked DS1 if he would zip up 4 yr old Mindee 3s coat as she can't do it, i was upstairs getting DS2's shoes, and when i got back to top of stairs she( older child) was saying something very quietly to DS1, he was just standing there, saying nothing, but when i asked him, in private what she had said, he said "It was just horrible words". I then said to mindee 4
" I hope you weren't saying anything nasty to DS1, as it wouldn't be fair, especially since you told your mum he is nasty to you. Are you going to tell me what it is you said". She never answered, just put her head down.

OP posts:

saltire · 12/01/2007 12:17

cwmbran chilminder, his behaviour is prefect at school. Believe me i ask on a regular basis. At every parents evening i get told what a "lovely, delightful pleasant child he is"

OP posts:

omega2 · 12/01/2007 12:57

What about letting your son help you prepare a snack after school or help you do some other little job. Also remember to praise hime when he does something good even if it is just a little thing like putting a toy away.


crace · 12/01/2007 13:07

I find my ds (10years) really needs to get away. He finds it very intense to have to "entertain" the 6 year old all afternoon. Particularly if they get competitive or don't want to do they same things.

I always allow him upstairs to his room, which is off limits to the mindee unless ds invites him (it's been approved by Ofsted).. but I give him the choice.

The sticker chart sounds like a really great idea, and I would have lavished praise on him for being good when the mindee said I hate you to him and not retaliating. That was really well done by him.

I am sure he will get there, he probably just needs his own space.


Isyhan · 12/01/2007 19:53

My dd can be the same. She is 7 and with one child I walk to school (aged 8) its just a nightmare. They argue all the way. (Her mum has just given me notice today. I suspect because of this although she gave a different reason). My dd also can be hard work with another mindee (aged 3). She either bosses her about terribly or acts like a school teacher with her. Ive said she can get some space up in her room but its about my attention really. Recently it upset me and i thought Im going out to work full time but although she doesnt like the thought of that she cant stop herself from feeling jealous of other children.


Cwmbranchildminder · 12/01/2007 21:50

thats good that hes great in basically its not his behaviour overall its just to do with children u mind.
sounds like u're going down the right road and hopefully he will respond well adn you'll have your little man back to norm at home.
Its hard work....i'll b coming to u for advise im sure as my 3yr old grows up!
Keep up your good work!

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