CM Rewards advice please

[GallowayESS]

Hi, I'd be grateful for some advice here please. CM for my dd who is 2, has recently begun using a 'jar' for rewards when she is 'good' in addition to 'time-outs' and informed me she is using this method of discipline.

Im concerned this is now causing confusion/conflicts with dd. On quite a few occasions in the last few weeks, whenever ive praised her for doing something really well, she's asking me for the reward jar. Ive explained to her that we/Mummy doesn't have a jar (at which point she looks confused) and Im really worried this may undermine our praise with her and somehow have a lesser effect on her self esteem.

I haven't mentioned my disapproval to CM yet as tbh she's somewhat unapproachable (yes i know). In the past, when I've disagreed with something its ended in full blown argument, unfortunately shes very combative. CM is very quick to inform us how to raise our child all the time, most of which I ignore and do it our way.

I appreciate that it must be difficult trying to keep 3/4 toddlers in tow, plus older children, should I just accept this or should I be speaking up for her not to use this 'jar' with us?

Thank you for any advice you can offer,

I was going to say that your DD will soon work out that the rewards jar is only used at the cm and tee cm will need to be consistent with all her mindees.

However ... There seem to be deeper issues. Your cm should be working with you, not arguing or being unapproachable.

Ring ofsted and see if it's allowed, I'm not sure it it!

Ring ofsted and see if it's allowed, I'm not sure it it!

See if what's allowed? Do you actually know what OFSTED's remit is?

That's why it is important to discuss disciplining before choosing the childminder.
You cannot really expect childminder to stop using the jar (what is in it?) if she's using it with other children and it works. Asking her to stop it just for your child (and continue with others) will just be cruel to your child as she will feel excluded.
I would introduce something similar at home. Maybe a reward chart? I did starry night picture where the child got a sticker to make the sky brighter each time they did something exceptionally kind (it was basically just a black A4 paper and some shiny star reward stickers). At the end of each week we all admired how bright the sky is.
IMO supporting the child goes both ways ... sometimes it's childminder that can adapt things ... and sometimes parents. I think this time it's your turn ...

Children learn very quickly that there are different rules and expectations in different places.
But you do need to feel able to communicate with your CM

Ofsted will not be remotely interested in a reward jar! They used to use one at DD's school.

I think there is a bigger issue here... DD will learn difference.. there will be different rules at home to CM as well as different rules at Grannies...

My concern would be telling you and not agreeing with you.. I am a c.minder and tell people I can offer advise I have had lots of children so most issues have come through my door, however it is that advise... The only time I really expect my parents to work with me is when there have been large behavioural problems... I can only think of 2 occasions..If parents hadn't worked with me they would of been given notice... Not due to my way been the right way but for the safety and well being of the child and others in my care. I also don't use time out.. I may move them away from the situation but they are given other activities to continue with.

What's in the reward jar? Is it one of those things where you add marbles till now it's full, or does it have stickers etc in? I'd be most bothered if it was sweets.
Just how many toddlers does she have in tow? The max our CM was allowed was 3 under school age, and I was only happy with that because they all knew her well and were good friends with each other, she had them all very well organised without needing any rewards or naughty steps.
But generally it sounds like you are not getting on brilliantly and I'd be thinking of changing childcare to something more in line with your thinking. Maybe nursery if she's towards the top end of 2.

I've used a reward jar we put beads in it and when there were enough in a child's jar they made a necklace or a string of beads. If it works with one child its hard not to do it for the others or they feel one is being singled out. Its one form of positive praise rather than focusing on the negative. Many children learn to accept things are different in various places and once they accept the change isn't going to be everywhere its fine, although its good to work together and reinforce how lovely it was to see the jar is filling up and how proud you are.
Your issue really seems to be that you cant discuss thing with your cm I would hate to feel a parent couldn't discuss things with me, maybe it would be worth thinking about if things can be done to change this if you feel LO is happy or think about finding someone more suited to your personality and parenting. Its so important to have a good relationship.

Ring ofsted and see if it's allowed, I'm not sure it it!
Only on mn would the second comment be something like this. Ofsted have got far more pressing matters than a cm using a reward jar. My inspector told me If it's not listed in the eyfs they can't judge you on it (I was asking about plug sockets when she told me this).
Op, I think your biggest problem is that you can't talk to your cm about things like this. It's really important that you can have open conversations especially about things like disapline.

The cm, I imagine has loads of experience and I don't think she would be wasting her time with Reward jars if she didn't think they were working overall. I don't think telling her to stop using it for your dc would work, if the other children have them, your dc would be missing out.

As others have said your dc will learn quickly that cm has a Reward jar, mummy uses praise and granny uses excess Chocolate (or whatever). I don't think you need worry about lowering her self esteem at this point and I think any confusion will clear up after a few weeks with the new system.

I do think you need to think about if you are happy with your cm though, is your dc happy with her? Although this is the most important thing, if you aren't happy with her, this has to come in to it too and if you can't talk to her, would you be happier leaving your dc elsewhere?

It's a shame that you don't feel you can communicate with your childminder. However, I do think you are being slightly unreasonable to expect the childminder not to use this method. It's a positive approach to managing children's behaviour, and with more than just your child to look after, it's only right that she has a consistent method that is for all children.
Also, it is perfectly acceptable for your childminder to give advice on parenting. Working together is crucial and it's a two way Street. However her telling you is quite different. If you're really unhappy I'd suggest you choose another childminder. Although I'd be suprised if any good childminders would accept one method of discipline for your child and another for the others. It is not practical.

Thanks so much everyone for your advice and reflections based on your own experiences.

I like to think im a very reasonable person and dread confrontations at the very best of times. There are other issues, but its one of those things where the 'wind' changed from CM the week I returned to work which was really unnerving to say the least. We seem to have one great week, only to be followed by two ugly ones. Its got to the point where I dont really say anything..about anything to CM anymore in order not to provoke but we're feeling a bit bullied by it now and this is not how I imagined this experience to be but we continue to 'put-up'. Most requests we've ever made (nappies/milk/food/sleeps) have in general, been wholly ignored since day 1. This one-way communication has been the biggest disappointment to say the least and I am currently looking at other options. I dread to think the drama toilet training would cause. Most importantly however, at the moment I think dd seems happy there most days and obviously has a few little friends but in general, not a lot is/are permenant nor routinely. Being 2 1/2 though becomes a very telling age doesn't it.

Back to the situation in hand, I think overall you have kindly given me the answer I was searching for. I agree there's a bigger lesson to be learned here for dd in that she will learn 'differences' of different rules at different places and I feel happy with that way forward. I wanted to ask the question because I also was very aware of the fact that had I asked for this 'jar' not to be used (not that this would have happened!), there is a strong chance CM would continue to use it with the others anyway and I wouldn't want dd to then start feeling excluded by that either.

Im not against positive praise/time-out in general, and I have seen it being used very effectively in some cases where necessary. It all depends on the child and their behaviour indeed. For us, dd is an absolute angel and honestly, she is a joy to be around (very happy to lucky giggle box, sleeps brilliantly, eats like a horse!) for close family and friends and is more than happy to oblige anything really when asked respectfully. I do however appreciate what toddlers exhibit when they are at play together and the challenges this presents.

Many thanks again for your knowledge and thoughts, always much appreciated.

Only having one way communication whe it's anything to do with your child is not a good thing.

But also with childminders you can't just hand down random edicts to them. It does need to be actual 2 way dialogue. They're in effect being part of the childminder's family, and their needs will need to balance with the other children's needs. 2 way dialogue is not 'she must have milk at 11 and 3' but 'at home she has milk at 11 and 3, will you be able to do something like that?' If the childminder's then says 'no they can only have water' or says yes but doesn't give the milk, then CM is unreasonable. But she could reasonably say 'well we have our snack at 10, so I can give her milk then and when we get back from the school run at 3.30.
Discipline is really something you should check you're on the same page on before you sign up. I know not obvious when the child you're signing up is still a baby!
It's fine to move if you later find you're not on the same page though. No blame required, you just work differently, and if that's making it too much of a compromise or impacting the child, you and CM would likely be happier going different ways.