dumb argument about conflict of interest nanny and mum..advice?

[JennaJ]

I have just had the most stupid argument with a friend and wanted to ask some advice of you all knowing people. Its not really for this topic but its about a nanny and mum and their views so I thought being in that situation you might be the best (and friendliest) folks to ask

My little boy who is 5 has a best friend at school. I have been really good friends with his nanny for about 6mnths, we take the younger children to toddler group etc together. I have fairly recently become friends with his mum too ....... now you see the problem. The nanny (who is a bit paranoid at the best of times) is really really unhappy and despite me reassuring her countless times that she is my friend and I would never repeat anything she has said about her boss etc she is obviously not very happy about us socialising with her boss... If you are still with me you are doing well!! Now the mum has invited me my partner and boys to spend new years eve at theirs and Im really looking forward to it (we haven't been out for new years for 5 years, we can take the boys with us and it will be a great night) now the nanny lost the plot with me today when she found out about it, making all sorts of wild accusations about me only being her friend to get in with her boss blah blah...it all boils down I know to her insecurity about me spending time with her boss when she isn't there. She threw loads of other stuff (mostly hurtful) into the row which I won't go into as it all seems madly petty...Im also just registering as a childminer and Im sure she thinks Im going to try and steal the children she nannies for (which Im not and I have told her Im not).

I have to decide if I cancel new years eve...

I really want to go, we will all have a great time and at the end of the day the boys are possibly going to be mates all the way through the school...and I can't imagine the nanny will stay for more than another year...so its great to get to know his mum too.

On the other hand. I do consider the nanny to be a very good friend, and okay so she is being paranoid and petty at the moment (I can by the way kind of see her point, if I were her I would be in a bit of a panic). If I go ahead and go to new years eve I may lose her as a friend, which would be sad...

So my dilemma, to go or not to go??

Jenna

I would go - no-one else tells me who I can and can't be friends with! The nanny seems jealous of your friendship, and almost seems to be trying to manipulate you into dropping your friendship with her employer. It puts me in mind of children who think you can only be friends with one person and leave a third out in the cold - it's a very childish response.

Maybe she's insecure and thinks you might be reporting back to her employer, but if she's doing her job properly then she won't have anything to worry about.

It would be a shame to lose out on a friendship because of this - particularly as the nanny is probably going to be moving on within the year.

I think the nanny is behaving badly, not just as a friend, but also as a professional. I take it that she has been telling you stuff about the other family/mother, and I think that is very very bad form on all sorts of levels. (I have a nanny and I'd be livid if she was gossipping about me with other mums from school. Personally, I think I'd like to have a hint from the other mums were this happening... I wouldn't mind quite so much if she was letting off steam to other nannies. I think there's a sort of comradely omerta there.)
Don't let her stop you and the boys having a nice time at NY!
I'd tell her you think she has got things out of proportion, you won't pass on any comments to the mother, and leave it at that.
I'd also back off from the nanny myself at this point. She sounds a bit of a loon.

I would go too - the nanny is behaving like a 5-year-old.

Go to New Year!

You haven't been out at New Year for 5 years, you have a great opportunity to go out and have fun with friends and also with your boys. I would definitely go.

If your children may be friends for a long time you could also be building friendships with the parents that may also last a long time (good for all of you).
As you say, the nanny may not be around for much longer anyway.

Try to keep your friendship and remain calm and level headed about it all. You're right to not get into the petty arguments as that won't help anyone, she's probably just letting off steam. Explain your situation to her and reassure her again that she is your friend and your new friendships do not affect that in any way - then if she won't accept it I don't think there's much else you can do!
The world would be pretty dull if we couldn't make new friendships through the people we already know....

HTH! Have a brilliant time at New Year - I'm sure you will!

The nanny is behaving like jealous child. And also, if I were her employer, I'd want to know that she had a problem with me being friends with my children's firends' parents.

That nanny is way out of line. How weird.

As it happens, I do employ a ananny, and she an I are perfectly able to share friends. In fact, last week DH refused to go to neighbors party, so I took nanny and we had a good time.

I am a nanny and i am friends with the boys friends parents just as much my boss' are!! Does she have something to hide that she doesnt want you telling the parents? or is she just being a complete child? Also, as you say the friendship between you and the parents will probably be for the next at least 16 years, and if she will be leaving after one year will you be keeping in touch?

I understand that she is your friend, and you dont want to hurt her feelings, but if she is a true friend to you she should trust you with info she has said about her boss (of course we all have whinge every now and again!!) and also not expect you to be an exclusive friend!! try talking to her again and if she is still paranoid then i think its no longer your problem!!

Thanks everyone, that has helped bring things into perspective. Im terrible at stewing about things and its easy to lose sight of whether you are being reasonable or not..just wanted confirmation that I hadn't lost the plot!

I had a chat with the nanny at school pickup and explained that I didn't think she should be trying to choose my friends and that I was not going to cancel new years eve as not only did I want to go but that it was a good thing for the boys and that my family are my priority. I explained again that she was just as important a friend to me as her boss and that anything she had said to me in the past would stay between us but that she ought to be a little more discreet in the future (yes ok so I was a bit patronising, but nanny in question is 43 yrs old so we shouldn't even need to have this conversation).

She seemed to be ok with me, or maybe she was worried if she was rude to me maybe I really would have a chat to her boss (and yes if I was that way inclined could probably dump her in it from a great height, but Im not like that) who knows what she thought!!

life is far far too short for this silliness!

Thanks for your replies

Jenna

Friends don't demand that you deny other people friendship, and I don't see why being a nanny makes this any different.
There are occasional practical issues about our kids having in effect 3 parents, and the set of mums she gets on with is of course slightly different to ours, but I find it hard to care that much.
Our nanny went to the mums night out before xmas, I think we'd have been slightly miffed on her behalf if she hadn't, not least because she does most of the school runs. I'm sure at least one parent thinks she's my DW even though she's less than half my age.

cant believe a nany is behaving like this...

IMO 6 months isnt even that long to have been 'friends' anyway!

go to the new years eve party.... why shouldnt you.... it seems like she is being really silly and should grow up a bit!

You have to go. Do you let people tell you what to do in other situations?

Also, if you did decide not to go would you tell the parents the real reason?!

The nannys 43 for god sake shes acting like she 2 , You must go, family first .

Oh my goodness, you absolutely MUST go! You will have a fantastic time - you and children that is! The nanny is throwing all her toys out of the pram, it's just ridiculous. Yes, she may be hugely jealous but you should absolutely no way change your plans, or for that matter let it affect your enjoyment, because she is being plain daft! Beware the green eyed monster.....

You go and have a fantastic time!!!!!