Childminder wanting to put baby DD down for naps and let her cry if need be - not happy

[PutYourSisterDown]

DD is 10 months old and we have the luxury of three months to gradually settle her with our chosen childminder before I return to work when she's 13 months. She'll go to the childminder two consecutive days a week, and my mum will have her at home on a third.

We went along this morning for an hour. It was mostly good. DD was happy exploring. I'll stick around for a month's worth of visits, then start nipping out for 10, 20, 30 minutes and so on.

The childminder is sweet with DD, a softly spoken and gentle person, lovely calm home, does lots with mindees and lots of outside time in wellies. All good.

But I don't think she gets why DD can't just be plopped in a cot and self-settle; she needs feeding, cuddling, rocking, a car drive, the sling - something to comfort and lull her. Anyway, it was a polite visit and all, and I don't expect to have the same views on everything childcare-related, but - and for me it's quite a big but - she says she will expect to put DD down for naps and would consider it normal and nothing to worry about if she cries before falling asleep. She'd pop in on her, but would essentially be doing a form of CIO I suppose.

I'm not happy about this. I don't see how it's necessary. We've never left DD to cry. I would have thought the default of all childcare providers would be to respond and not leave a child to cry, unless it's the parent's express wish/their normal routine. She will only have one other child to look after, a toddler who is used to going to sleep by himself, so I don't see why she can't at least rub DD's back, or let her nod off on her lap before transferring her to the cot, at least until she's settled. DD usually falls alseep on the boob - for this not to be available and to be offered nothing else comfort-wise would be cruel, I think.

Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Although I have an older DC, this is the first time I've used childcare, so I may not have realistic expectations. So I'd be grateful for any thoughts on this.

Apart from this, the arrangement is looking promising - very close by, amazing ratio (one adult to two little ones), otherwise warm and kind woman - so I'm hoping we can make it work ... in which case, I'd also love some general tips for successfully settling a roughly one-year-old with a childminder with minimal upset.

Thanks very much.

YABnuts.
You have to unlink boob and snooze in fairness to your child.
Your CM sounds lovely.
I can't believe you are planning to haunt her for so long.

Cut the settling in time down to one week maximum, a child,under who would agree to a month of settling in is most likely worth her weight in gold so I'd stick with her but you need to trust her which it sounds like you're not doing. Chances are, a couple of weeks in and your child will settle for naps beautifully- she is a professional who has no doubt cared for more children than you've had hot dinners.

You either trust her or you don't, there is no way you will agree 100% with her, there are lots of things you'll need to compromise on.

I'm a cm. I work really hard when a new child starts to get them to be able to fall asleep on their own. When a new parent informs me that a child has always been breastfed to sleep or cuddled to sleep and then refuses to be put down, my heart sinks a little bit as I know it's going to be hard work to get them to nap (this is the majority of families who I seem to have had recently, so you aren't alone). There would be no way I can rock, back rub, hold/cuddle three children to sleep all at the same time (and I aim for all naps to be at the same time if possible, parents know this) and if I have an older one who doesn't nap, what would I do with them? I'm not paid to put children in front of cbeebies for two hours while the babies sleep in my arms.
Op, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If you can't have your child fussing for a short time while they learn to go to sleep by themselves you need to rethink your options, I suggest a nanny. If you genuinely like the cm, give it a go. I've had a few babies, who once they mastered going to sleep on their own in the day, slept much better in the night and started napping much better at home too. if I were you, I would work on getting baby to sleep with out bf in the day. It will make your baby's life. Much easier in a couple of months.

And the settling in sessions, a couple of hours two or three times is normally enough in the week or two leading up to the start date. Try not to make it too complicated or over think it. Babies usually adapt to different situations quite quickly.

Im a CM. Im settling in a new mindee this week. Mum stayed for coffee day one and then left. Were on day 3 today and baby has been great. 10 m old attatchment bf baby. Baby fell asleep in my arms day one, day two we did one nap in pram, today morning nap in my arms afternoon nap self settled in pram. Its not easy but baby is bonding with me and now is content and settled when being held, crawls off and explores, comes back for cuddles. If mum was here all the time it would not have worked.
Trust your CM we do know what we are doing, and as long as we are given a chance to bond with the baby all will be well.

I have 3 under 3's most days and the youngest who started 6 months ago age 16 mths didn't sleep at home without boob & then only short naps on mum.
She realised this wouldn't work and agreed I could try & get him sleeping in a cot as long as he wasn't left to cry for more than a minute or 2.

First week, I put the other 2 down to sleep in another room then quiet cuddles, lay him down in the cot when he would cry so if sit with him doing shush/pat until he nodded off exhausted. He'd wake after 20/30 mins and we'd repeat until he went off again. After a couple of weeks of this I stopped the patting and just laid my hand on his back shushing, next week no shushing, next just sat in sight of him (by this stage he'd nod off in 5/10 mins of just low level moaning) and finally started popping out saying I was just going to the loo/to check on others. I think it took about 5 weeks of gradual withdrawal but I can now lay him down in the cot, say goodnight & won't hear a peep until I wake him 1.5hrs later.

So perfectly possible if cm has only one other lo who self-settles. I do think your settling-in period is crackers and will actually make it harder not easier to get into CM's routine.

I was thinking about this post last night and actually I really think it will be hard for LO to bond with C.minder while you are there so much of the time..

My mindee's behaviour always changes when parents come in...frequently behaviour goes down hill..For this reason alone I try and make handover as quick as possible.