Childminder wanting to put baby DD down for naps and let her cry if need be - not happy

[PutYourSisterDown]

DD is 10 months old and we have the luxury of three months to gradually settle her with our chosen childminder before I return to work when she's 13 months. She'll go to the childminder two consecutive days a week, and my mum will have her at home on a third.

We went along this morning for an hour. It was mostly good. DD was happy exploring. I'll stick around for a month's worth of visits, then start nipping out for 10, 20, 30 minutes and so on.

The childminder is sweet with DD, a softly spoken and gentle person, lovely calm home, does lots with mindees and lots of outside time in wellies. All good.

But I don't think she gets why DD can't just be plopped in a cot and self-settle; she needs feeding, cuddling, rocking, a car drive, the sling - something to comfort and lull her. Anyway, it was a polite visit and all, and I don't expect to have the same views on everything childcare-related, but - and for me it's quite a big but - she says she will expect to put DD down for naps and would consider it normal and nothing to worry about if she cries before falling asleep. She'd pop in on her, but would essentially be doing a form of CIO I suppose.

I'm not happy about this. I don't see how it's necessary. We've never left DD to cry. I would have thought the default of all childcare providers would be to respond and not leave a child to cry, unless it's the parent's express wish/their normal routine. She will only have one other child to look after, a toddler who is used to going to sleep by himself, so I don't see why she can't at least rub DD's back, or let her nod off on her lap before transferring her to the cot, at least until she's settled. DD usually falls alseep on the boob - for this not to be available and to be offered nothing else comfort-wise would be cruel, I think.

Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Although I have an older DC, this is the first time I've used childcare, so I may not have realistic expectations. So I'd be grateful for any thoughts on this.

Apart from this, the arrangement is looking promising - very close by, amazing ratio (one adult to two little ones), otherwise warm and kind woman - so I'm hoping we can make it work ... in which case, I'd also love some general tips for successfully settling a roughly one-year-old with a childminder with minimal upset.

Thanks very much.

sorry but you are the parent childminders will never please, you'll probably find by the time dd goes to school you'll have been through a raft of childcare options and nothing was suitable as they weren't you.

I hope your relationship with your mum survives.

Three months is too much and will hinder the settling in period, not help it.

I think it's reasonable to agree some sort of settling method with the child minder. But a lot can change in 3 months

Personally, I think it's a waste of your maternity leave to spend so long settling in and I agree that it could be very confusing. Your DD may see the chikdminder' as some sort of playgroup (ie you stay) and be very upset when you go back to work

I'd enjoy the rest of you mat leave, leave settling in until a month before and work in sleep issues in between times

Former CM here.
In the nicest possible way, if you genuinely like this CM and her setting, you have to let some things go.

The CM will do things differently to you. Your child will adapt.
Eg, I can just imagine an AIBU when a parent says her CM is bundling the other mindees into the the car and another parent (you) wants her child driven around to go to sleep. How would you react if the situation was reversed.

A CM (and your CM sounds remarkably patient so far) will rock and stroke your child, but if she has other charges their needs are equally important. She can't spend an hour rocking your child if another one has a dirty nappy.

If you do require this very high level of attention a nanny will be the way to go (where you have more control over what she does)
The CM is a self employed provider- you are purchasing the service offered, not dictating her every mood.

As a C.minder..I would never agree to this settling in period... Having another parent there for 3 months would be really tough on other children.Disrupts our routine and has safegaurding issues for the other child.

I breast fed till I was 2 so nothing wrong with b feeding however the 3 months would be better spent getting LO to sleep on own.. It is a skill they need to learn at some point..

I am guessing she doesn't mean just cry and ignore...However I have had a parent tell me they rub there childs back for 45 minutes to get them to sleep .. not an option here I have other children to look after...This mum though also seemed very shocked when LO was alseep in 10 mins with my method and slept better

I wouldn't be happy with that so I think YANBU. Mine doesn't self-settle (at 16m) and has always been fed or rocked to sleep. I chose a nursery over a CM as I presumed a CM wouldn't have the time to spend getting him to sleep with other kids about. The nursery have been great, bouncing him in a chair, singing to him, white noise etc and even though it took 30 mins plus for the first few weeks they just took it in turns when one had gotten bored something else to do. I did stop feeding him to sleep in preparation for nursery but once I knew he'd sleep there I started it again (as rocking wasn't working). I won't do CC or CIO.

I do admit the settling in seems lengthy, but I presume the CM ether suggested or is happy with this. I did nursery settling over 6 weeks but apart from staying for a couple of hours I left him there for gradually longer times rather than just popping out for a bit.

Hi
I'm in a similar situation op as my ds is 7m and I return to work in May. My ds too is awkward to settle but I'm just using this time now to try and gently "train" him- i'm mostly doing the pick up put down method which is improving things slowly and although there has been a bit of grumpiness, he's never been that upset. He will be going to nursery in april and I don't expect staff there to much more than put him in a cot, rub his back and leave him to it.
I think you should use the next few weeks to gently train your dd to fall asleep by herself with yourself in control of how she does it.
Things will then become much easier for you, your dd and your cm.

Get out now!!

Are you always so over dramatic

Fwiw, my two never self settled for naps at home but always did it fine at nursery. Nursery is a bit different as there are lots of toddlers all going off to sleep, but you will probably find with kids that they behave differently in a different setting.

Like others I would reduce your settling in period dramatically.

The other mindee is a toddler who falls asleep on his own ! Now how did that come about, I wonder ? Stick with this CM, she sounds lovely, and knows her job.

Yanbu. I think it's dreadful that a CM would leave a child to cry themselves to sleep. My CM lets my 22month old either sleep in the car on the way back from trips out, or fall asleep on her on the sofa, or in the pushchair. It's perfectly possible, even whilst looking after other children. It is their job afterall. However - I'm not sure it is possible to tell a CM how to do their job, and you might be better off finding a different CM. I would also get your little one used to falling asleep through other ways, like sling or in a pushchair, so that she doesn't miss boob to go to sleep. My little one only boobs to sleep in the evening, so daytime naps are not so different at CM to when at home (sleeps in pram at home). I know I'm seeing it differently to the others here, which I find a bit sad. But I don't think I would trust a CM with such different views to myself, to not do what she wants. I would find someone else.

Oh yeah - and my son doesn't fall asleep on me on the sofa...only on the CM! They go to sleep different ways with different people :) So you might be surprised and she just goes easily to sleep for someone else. My OH can put our son down to go to sleep by himself, but when I do it he won't have any of it!

Pid

Why is it sad that others don't share your view? Yours isn't the only right way.

When I started looking for DS's nursery, he needed rocking to sleep in the pram. I had two months between finding it and him starting. They told me that they would not leave him to cry but would pay his back etc to settle him... Whilst I think that is a reasonable expectation I spent the next two months working really hard to get him to settle to sleep in his cot.

It worked, and by the time he went to nursery, he was fine.

I think expecting the childminder to pat or rub her back or whatever is not unreasonable, and I'm sure the CM isn't suggesting just leaving her to CIO. I think that is unusual for a childcare provider and wonder if there is some simple miscommunication here.

Equally I think you need to understand that leaving a child to grumble for a few minutes to get to sleep is not unreasonable and very different to leaving her screaming histerical.

I agree that your settling in period sounds totally excessive and I think you should reconsider.

As others have said 3mths is far too long To settle in esp with the time Intervals you said

A cm isn't going to leave your child to scream self to sleep but neither will she do what you do and BF her to sleep

You need to work on how to get your dd asleep at home without the boob as if you can't do that - how on earth do you expect a cm to get them to sleep without crying hysterically

Yes all children seem to do things for cm and nannies that they don't for parents - but if you dd relies on you to BF to settle then that's not fair

You could try arranging time at cm to concur with dd sleep and see if you can settle dd there with pats

Yes cm has one child now but can have another under 5 so she can't not be expected to spend 100% getting your dd to sleep upstairs - while leave other minded alone for maybe 15 mins

My child still can't put themselves to sleep bar at nursery where they worked with him which I presume your cm will do it took them a while but now he takes himself off lol

(She's 3 btw!)

Your childminder sounds lovely, however I cannot believe she is going to put up with you being there for extended periods and then popping out for 20, 30 mins. That will totally disrupt her day and be very confusing for your baby and the other toddler. How can she get on and look after her mindless if you are there hovering in the background.

I think it you are basically happy with the childminder you need to spend the next few months helping your baby to settle for a nap without being fed so that when you do leave her, you can be confident that she will settle and you won't spend your time at work worrying about her.

DS went to a childminding team so when he started they did rock/cuddle him to sleep but slowly they managed to get him to put himself to sleep. He doesn't do this at home for nap times but he will at CM. I would have a bit more faith in your CM personally - they have seen it all before, she'll be settling in no time.

I agree with PP about settling in period - 3 month is too long and a major faff.

I always say to parents that their child will not settle until the parent has gone. The time you spend there is for you not for your child. I start with parent and child coming for a short visit (maybe an hour) and then the child comes alone for a couple of hours and gradually extends their time as they are ready. Generally 4 sessions. 1 with parent, 1 for quick visit, 1 morning, one lunch and afternoon and then we're good to go. This is flexible as it suits the parents and children, but the other children would be really unsettled by an extra adult in the house.

I have children who will self settle with me (no screaming, regular returns for pats, or music if needed) and are still fed and cuddled to sleep at home.

Just talk to your cm and remember she has other children to care for and might appreciate a cup of tea at some point during the day.

My 16 month old has been at nursery for about 4 months. She is a pain in the bum for me to get her to sleep but goes down with no bother there. I think 3 months is too long settling her, she will end up getting too use to you being there and it will be a nightmare when you go back to work.

And enjoy the last 3 months of your maternity leave! Do something more fun than going to a childminder.

I hope you are paying her for the settling in period.

The toddler she looks after might not sleep at the same time as your dd. So let's say your dad takes 15 minutes to settle, what will the toddler do in that time? Will your dd be in a seperate room and you expect the cm to leave a toddler on his own for that time?

As others have said children adapt quickly to how a childminder or nursery settles them to sleep. If you had a nanny, which costs. Lot more than a childminder, you would be right to expect that. But not a childminder sorry they have responsibility for more than one child and have to keep all of them safe.

No one I know ever did more than 2-3 short settles with CM or nursery before leaving them to it. They are professionals and the children adapt. All the professionals say find some one you trust and them trust them to do a great job.

Ok, the settling in plan sounds nuts. I'd cut it down to a week, maybe two, with DD going for longer and longer periods - but you have to leave DD alone there not stick around. If you are there then DD will not form a bond with the CM she will just come to you.

As regards naps: There is a large spectrum of "helping to sleep" from BF to sleep at one end to CIO at the other. It's not clear exactly how much help you are expecting CM to give. Somewhere in the middle is reasonable - perhaps 5 min of back rubbing and then left with a familiar song playing? And then CM goes back in if DD is really crying? You can't expect her to stay and rub back until DD is asleep, every naptime, no matter how long that takes. If that's what you want, you need a sole charge nanny.

My daughter didn't need to nap at CM but she had lots of other kids that did need to (was a team of 2 cm so lots of kids). She was very no nonsense about all other stuff but would do naps as close to the parents routine as possible- eg one in a pram, one in a pile of cushions in the main room, she was amazed and delighted when a new mindee just went to sleep in the cot! It doesn't sound like that's the norm from this thread but I'd feel the same as you. When I had a toddler and a baby I didn't leave the baby to cry for naps even though she's never self settled so I don't see why anyone else would have to.