Leaving a family

[Thoughtfulduck]

I'm a nanny and I'm meant to be leaving my family in a fortnight. The mum has just sent me an email saying as she owes me holiday, take the two weeks off. Good luck with the future.

I have to admit I'm pretty upset by it. I'm leaving on good terms, I've been with the children for nearly 2 years and told them on Friday "I'll see you on Monday!"

Is this the usual thing? A clean break? I've never left a family before but I was going to write a card and provide a little treat for the kids on my last day...was I expecting too much?

Also, she was going to tell the children I was leaving this weekend so it will be a total shock for them.

That doesn't seem very fair on the children. Could you say thank you, can you come in Monday to say a proper goodbye to children and to collect anything you may have left there. Presumably you also have stuff to return like house keys?

I don't want to overestimate my role in their life but that's what I thought too I don't want them to think I don't care about them.

I think I will ask to go and say goodbye, but the email just sounded so final. I didn't want to ask if the consensus on here was that I needed to toughen up and this is just how it goes.

That sounds sad. They're probably thinking cost wise. Paying you 2 weeks and then an additional 2 weeks holiday is more than just letting you take the 2 weeks as holiday.

I couldn't just do that. I have so much stuff at work (live out nanny) that I'd have to go in, also you need to return keys etc.

I did have 1 instance where I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to the kids I worked with (apart from a quick bye before they went to school) :( very sad.

They may of meant it in a heartless way but it makes me sad the more and more I read about how nannies are being treated. We spend 10/12 hours a day with the children put our heart into it and some parents can treat us like crap. Just email them they may have just thought you may of have just wanted to holiday instead of working the last few weeks. Just explain you would at least like to go in and say good bye properly.

I mean they may not of meant it in a heartless way

That is odd. I suppose if they have other childcare available over half term, it might make practical sense, but it's very insensitive to the needs of the children, and emailing rather than speaking to you about it is odd too. This is something important, which you would expect to involve discussion, and lots of thanks to you for your care over the years.

The only ways I can see to understand this would be a breakdown of trust - but you say you left on good terms - or the family feeling really awkward about it for some reason. What have the family been like until now?

I can't imagine our relationship with our nanny (who has also been with us 2 years) ending so suddenly. For me, the biggest advantage of having a nanny over other types of childcare is that you hope a genuine relationship will develop between children and nanny. I certainly say things to my DD like 'we're choosing something very special for x because we love her', just as I do about family members and close friends. Given that background, what does that kind of sudden break teach them about relying on relationships?!

I'd certainly email back, saying that you'd like to help the children understand the change in a positive way, and you'd really like a chance to say a proper goodbye.

Hope your next position is lovely.

Unfortunately the mum is very business like and definitely sees me as strictly an employee, despite my relationship with the children. They have gone through quite a few nannies over the years.

In a way I'm glad to hear this isn't the norm, I think I will ask to go say goodbye. Thanks for all your lovely replies and sorry to anyone else who has been through a similar thing. I think the children are the ones who suffer most in all of this.

I know many nanny employers who have done this so sadly think it's quite normal. I think it's really bad for the children and quite heartless all round. We are at the opposite extreme - still see most of our nannies, attend their weddings and christenings - which I think is much better. But not all are the same so you are not expecting too much, but may well be disappointed as they may not let you pop back.