Worried we've made a mistake despite lovely au pair

[UpSeeDaisies]

We've recently employed our first au pair to help me (SAHM) with our 3 DC on arrival of our new baby. The kids mostly love her and and it is definitely a luxury having an extra pair of hands with getting them ready for school, entertaining them of an afternoon if I am stuck feeding etc. but I can't help but feel we've made the wrong decision.

She's good at keeping herself to herself but I find it strange having someone else in the house. I know I am particular about how I like things done and sometimes it's easier to do it myself. Likewise sometimes I want to eat dinner on my own with my husband or just have lunch by myself when the kids are at school. I'm not totally anti social and I do like her a lot but while she's a great help while we have a tiny baby, I am not sure I want her here for the whole year we originally agreed. To my mind is like to cut it shorter as once the baby is in a better routine I don't really need the extra help so much.

She's not really doing anything wrong per se, but eg I still need to cook all the kids meals as she can't boil an egg without guidance. Other minor things are fixable but I guess it's as I'm not working it's not like I need the childcare in the same way. Also sometimes I feel like I want her to leave the kids alone to play rather than entertaining them but then what does she do? Her household duties are light so then she'd be bored as it's not like I can get her to cook while they play. And sometimes I just want time alone with the kids after school without her hanging around.

I feel terrible and don't really know how to resolve this - should I be giving her a more specific weekly timetable, should I accept this isn't for me and upset her by cutting our 'contract' short? Is this just an adjustment period? My husband hasn't really taken to her at all but I think his expectations are more like that of a trained nanny, but this isn't helping.

I think it's definitely a hard transition to make. Can you give her some coaching on things like cooking? Can she do more housework? I would try and see how it works out for a while. Leave her some very simple recipes for the kids, maybe give her a more specific timetable.

She might feel like it's expected she should eat with you, tell her she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.

Can you give her a cooking book to learn new recipes each week?

Send her out more maybe then more time alone? Ie I assume she is only working a few hours a day, so mornings she helps say 7.30-9am with school run, then tell her she isn't needed again until 3pm. 3-5pm get her to take one of older children or both outside most days so she takes them to park/swimming etc, then home to help with homework then she's free again. That way you get 1-1 time with children on various days, and the others get time outside playing

Regarding cooking I would show her a few basic recipees that you know the children love. If she has no experience a cook book might be too much of a jump.

In terms of privacy, has she made local friends? Our au pairs were all very social and were out almost all the weekend, and plenty of evenings. There are plenty of Facebook groups they can join to meet people.

You could also maybe have some nights were she has dinner with the kids, and you and do eat later together.

She could certainly have dinner with the kids twice a week.

You could also send her out on errands when you want a bit of time with the children by yourself - shopping, dry cleaning, parcels or even just taking the baby out for a bit whilst you have some time with the older children.

Our first as pair was dreadful at cooking, she actually tried to cook peas in the oven once. By the time she left she could cook most things adequately, anyone can cook you just need to show her.

It's understandable to find it hard to live with a stranger in your own home. How long has she been there? It might take her some time to create her own social life.

Is she planning on going to college? (studying to prepare the TOEFL or other). This would keep her busy and out of the house for a couple of mornings a week for example

Has she met other au-pair yet? Facebook groups are so useful. Once she has friends, she will more likely be spending much more time with them (or she'll find a boyfriend, and she will disappear as soon as her work is done!)

I would think about a more detailed timetable. Most au-pair would be delighted to be given more time off, to study/ meet friends/ babysit/ have another job - waitressing for ex.

Don't forget that it is harder for her.