Nanny shares, illnesses, please advise

[underthebaobabtree]

Our new Nanny share has run into problems, and I'd be grateful for any advice, particularly from nannies and those who have had nanny shares, as this is my first Nanny employment.

We agreed in advance that our children would attend with illnesses. However now that the situation is here, as my child has a common childhood illness, the other family have refused her to attend, saying they don't want their child to catch it, and she is too unwell. I truly don't think she is too unwell for a Nanny. Also the virus she has is listed as 'no exclusion necessary' from nurseries on the HPA guidance, so I definitely don't think she should excluded from a Nanny share.

The Nanny share is normally at their house and the Nanny is a relative of theirs, however we are both employers and are splitting the hourly rate.

Today the other mum stayed at home to look after her own child whilst the Nanny cared for my child at my house, as she said she didn't want her child to be exposed to my child, but I maintained that she was well enough for childcare. The other mum also said I should pay her portion of our Nanny's fees, but I said no!

When I came home from work my Nanny said that my child was too ill to come tomorrow and she wouldn't be able to look after her and the other child. Granted I think she was very grumpy today as she felt poorly, but she has no fever, had no Calpol, slept, ate something, drank plenty.... I think this is something a Nanny would be expected to cope with. After work I took her to the park and she was walking around playing.

However I was told that my child can't attend tomorrow and as the other mum needs to work and doesn't want my child near hers, and the Nanny couldn't manage two children when one is poorly, so I have to call in sick for work.

I've been trying to talk to the other family and our Nanny, both about this episode of illness and our policies in future, but the conversation is going around in circles.

I have arranged to take a day off work tomorrow, but that is difficult for me, partly why I arranged a Nanny share was to reduce the need to take time off work. I'm wondering how to take the conversation forward from here. What do you do when two families have a different concept of small illnesses? What is typical in a Nanny share? Is it concerning that a Nanny feels she can't manage a poorly child and a well child at the same time?

Any advice appreciated.

How long have you had the nanny share? Have you had any problems before?
How do you know what 'virus' she has? Have you taken her to the doctors? Some viruses are contageous?

Ps I hope you didn't phone in 'sick'

I do a nanny share and also expect my DCs to be cared for if they are sick. The only exception we've made is D&V type illnesses but all the usual coughs, colds, sore throats I expect the nanny to manage and she does. Yes one child might be below par and might have a fever and not up to going out but that's just normal in life and the nanny will have a day at home with all her charges.

Sometimes the other children pass on something to my DCs - sometimes it's the other way round. But that's normal.

Yes viruses usually are contagious, that is why they don't die out.

We did say in advance that d&v would be excluded, but minor illnesses would be ok to attend. I suppose we differ on our definition of minor, we hadn't been that specific. The other mum said today that if a child isn't well enough to go to playgroup she doesn't think they should be cared for by the Nanny, as it will be boring for the other child.

It sounds like your agreement should be changed to include children who are not well enough to take part in normal activities. When you have your own nanny, this wouldn't be a problem, but in a nanny share it's slightly different.

What is your position if this nanny share is cancelled? Can you manage alone?

The other mum said today that if a child isn't well enough to go to playgroup she doesn't think they should be cared for by the Nanny, as it will be boring for the other child

That doesn't seem right as the usual occasional one off 'boring day' with illnesses is pretty normal. If the two charges were siblings, I'm sure the other mum wouldn't send one of her children to the nanny but take a day off to look after the poorly one?

I can see it would be more of a problem if you unfortunately have a child who catches everything going, but if this is a one off I don't think it's unreasonable for the other charge to have a quieter day while your child recovers.

Do you know the mum well? Do you think, truly, this would still be her opinion if it was her child that was ill? If not then it's not going to work - it has to be equal.

Give in graciously this time. Wait and see what happens when this other child gets a minor illness. I bet this other mum will clarify her views to be less strict when her own child is a bit poorly on a day she can't easily cancel everything to look after her child.

She's being massively pfb imo. The nanny is also being a bit pathetic. If a sahm with 2 children finds one child is a bit poorly does the other child immediately get packed off to grandma to protect them against catching a sniffle? Does mum arrange emergency childcare so as to avoid the terrible fate of having to miss playgroup? No. So a nanny ought to be able to care for one healthy child and one poorly child even if they are not siblings.

I would be looking for alternatives I think

What's the illness? If it's hand foot and mouth or similar I can understand the reluctance but for a common cold, cold etc it's a bit ott.

As a nanny I agree with other posters that you are right the nanny should be caring for both children. If one is unwell then a quiet day ; letting sick child rest , maybe baking with the other.
Unless D & V I wouldn't exclude.
I think the fact that the nanny is a relative of other mum is not good, she is maybe going to favour her.
Also excluding from play group for colds and virus is because a sick child needs to be able to rest in bed etc not because of cross infection.
I would look for your own nanny share or find a childminder.

The nanny is siding with other mum because it's family.

I'd get out now.

I'd also look to ending the arrangement. If it's not even on exclusion policy for nurseries then it can't be that bad. And yes surely if they were siblings an occasional day at home is acceptable. Have you put this to her? Surely any halfway decent nanny can make the day fun for the non-sick child in their own home??

I think the nanny will always feel her loyalties lie more with the other family, due to being family.
Since its their decision to not have their child round yours, i think the nanny should watch your child and they sort other arrangements.

Florence, im not convinced a childminder is the option. I do not look after poorly, grumpy children. If they are poorly they shouldnt be at the Childminders. Just because the illness doesn't have an exclusion period with it, doesn't mean that the child should be sent in anyway. They are there as a minimum. If a child is contagious and ill they shouldn't be at the Childminders.

A nanny share is different though and I think an open discussion needs to be had about what constitutes a minor illness.

Fair point Maryann.

I worked in a nanny share and the only exclusion was D&V and that was only after one child came in with it ( unbeknown to myself and other parent ) and the other child, both families, myself and then my own children all got it. ( First time I'd ever caught D&V from a child in 22yrs of nannying. )

I've dealt with viruses, chest infections and chicken pox in the nanny share. If they're together all day, they're highly likely to have been exposed to any illnesses before symptoms appear any way. The other family is being precious!

I am in a nanny share and I think sharing is really fantastic, but you do need everyone to be open to compromise and give-and-take. It doesn't really sound like your other family are. I also find it worrying that your share is always at the other house and that the nanny is related to them. It doesn't sound very equal - which will make their unwillingness to compromise worse.

We consider each illness - and each situation - as it comes.

When my DD had D&V I took the time off work without thinking twice - as well as contagion, she was really poorly and unhappy and I simply didn't want to leave her. Of course I still paid my share of the days.

When DD had chickenpox we didn't exclude, even though we knew before the other child was exposed that DD would get it (my DH got it first, while DD and I were away from home). 3 weeks off work (by the time you add in incubation period) would have been a real problem for me, and it's a childhood illness they will all get at some point anyway. That was a pretty quiet time since they obviously couldn't go out, but the children did at least have each other for company!

I wouldn't consider normal grumpiness and being a bit under the weather to be a reason to exclude. As pp have said, a nanny share should be seen a bit like siblings, with the needs of all the children being balanced. If you need a few quiet days at home because one child is a bit under the weather / contagious / potty training then that's what you do. If it was happening all the time, you'd look at what you could change.

The share is one sided and not in your favour

Shares are normally a week and one house and week at other to make fair with extra costs like heating and food etc

What is the illness?

A good nanny should be able to look after a healthy child and I'll child - think of siblings - so yes may be a quiet day at home but can cook
/paint / read / play in garden etc with well child

You (as in her) need to take the good and bad with a share

Agree get out of it as nanny will always favour other family as related

And as a nanny I would never work for family or friends lol