au pair dilemma ... Found a better one..

[ducdo]

We had an au pair join us 10 days ago but I wasn't 100% about her but stuck as had no one else.
She is very slowly settling in, few problems, nothing major but more a personality clash and just not gelling with her.
During past few days have been talking to another potential au pair (as profile still active on au pair site) and found someone far more suitable who could potentially join us in next few weeks.
I had agreed two week notice with our current au pair.
If I'm feeling that found someone far more suitable for us and if I give current au pair the required notice and offer to pay for her flight home, whilst I'm messing her about, does that sound fair, in the circumstances?
What would you do?
Feel guilty but also thinking if someone better for my kids I would rather the new one...

I guess my concern would be is the grass really greener? You think the new one is better.. What if they are not? Is current ap not doing what you need? Sometimes it takes me a long time to adjust to a new ap.. Current one is 6 months and I'm just warning to her she is lovely I just couldn't get her!
Glad we gave her a chance..
I guess if your happy to pay for flights. That's the fair. But did she pay her way over? She will then be out of picket.

Yes you are right grass may not be greener, however I feel this other person is a much better match for us and for someone being here say six months, whilst current one may settle and get better, if I can find a better suited person I would rather that as feel will be far easier for the family and particularly our youngest.
Current one just doesn't 'feel' right, feel like not connecting and do appreciate early days but more of a gut instinct which is awkward. Not a great situation really. Other girls we've had from day one I've felt really positive about but not with this one..

Could you give notice nicely and then help aupair find a new family who she is a better fit with.... You say there is nothing awful about her? It's generally quite easy for girls already in the UK to find a new place as they are able to attend interviews.
Just giving notice and paying flights home when it sounds like she hasn't done anything 'wrong' seems really harsh!!

You haven't said i neither of your posts why the potential new au pair is better. If your issues with the current one centre around personality, surely there is nothing to say that you won't have the same issues with a new one? It's not always easy to tell from Skype or phone or however you have been contacting her. Is this your first time with an au air?

Obviously it would be wildly unfair and nasty. Imagine yourself or one of your DC moving to another country for a job and then being sacked 10 days in because they found someone they 'gelled with' better. There is no way round it, it's a horrible thing to do.

However, I do understand that if someone is living with you and caring for your children that it is essential for all involved (including the au pair) for the relationship to be as positive as possible.

I think it's ok to let this au pair go, but you need to really make it up to her. I don't know how you're going to explain to someone that you've taken an instant dislike to them without hurting their feelings so I would be tempted to make up some rubbish excuse about the new au pair being a family friend or something. I think you need to help her find a new family and give her some compensation for messing her about and behaving so badly. Or is she'd rather, then pay her flights home plus a months wage or similar.

I also think you need to never do this again. If someone isn't right, don't take them on because you're 'stuck' and they'll do until someone better comes along. It's someone's actual life you know? They have feelings!

If I was the new au pair, I would be very wary about working for someone who would just give you the heave-ho when someone better came along.

thanks all, all very valid comments.
it's my own fault really. we've had a few au pairs before so this is certainly not new to me. i had a wish list / criteria /background /language level of what next au pair should have and didn't stick to this as i should have done . . as worried about taking longer to find the 'right' one.

Unfortunately i probably did rush into saying yes as was worried about finding someone so i do feel awful and will make sure she is looked after.
a good suggestion to help her find another family so will make some enquiries and be sure to do all i can to help.
appreciate your comments, thanks all

Surely that only works if the AP is already in the country though Springtimemama? If the ap is still in her home country, unless you are willing to pay for her to come to the UK for the weekend, you can't do a trial?

OP we always have a four week probation period and if it does not work out we pay for a flight home within that period. I would suggest you offer her a flight home if you are not finding her easy to live with. I did not gel with one au pair and I stupidly stuck it out as she wasn't really bad and I regretted it bitterly and I was never comfortable in my own home with her living there. I paid her flight home after three months but I should have done it sooner.

like the idea of a probation period. we had agreed two week notice either way, but could have stipulated a trial period too which will note for future.
I did actually look up flight costs last night and can easily get a ryanair flight for around £60 so not a problem and would be happy to pay that if can't find an alternative family here.
may have found a potential family through local links so fingers crossed.
really appreciate everyones feedback.

I agree Spring and I do like your model of a trial weekend although I am not sure whether we could make it work as we have no spare room (the current au pair is in it!). Have you ever paid for the trail and then the AP has turned you down? That would be my fear!

I appreciate you're experienced with au pairs. However, I had one I gelled with and she wasn't what she appeared to be and another one which I really didn't warm to and I gave her notice due to things not being done appropriately. She asked me to give her a chance and I'm so glad I did. She's great.
Is the grass really greener?

Can you give examples of how you are 'not gelling' on the personality front? Not gelling does not sound like a biggie to me.

Sorry I didn't read the last bit of your thread, regarding finding another family. Good luck with it all.

Hmmmm. You are definitely giving me food for thought Spring. I'm just starting to recruit next September's au pair and we may try s trial weekend, our current au pair's best friend AP's for a close friend of ours so maybe we could arrange for them to sleepover there. I had however been contemplating an Australian and if we go down that route then a trial weekend may be a little bit of a stretch!

I think outraged from Leeds is so right. The poor girls feeling will be hurt; cruel thing to do. So yes you need to make up a good excuse and compensate her for your self centred approach. If she was not performing her job it would be different but just because you don't gel :(

I think self centred is a little harsh.
I certainly didnt plan this and we've had a number of au pairs and some really great ones, also ones that do not fit so well in our family and it all feels a bit awkward. if that's the case, then rather than spend the next few months with someone we dont feel so comfortable with in our house, surely its best to find someone that fits better.
I work full time and am out all week and want someone in the house who I can completely rely on who is great with the kids and to whom when I return from work its nice to see her, hear about how her days been, comfortable talking with her and having her around. if that's not happening, then surely best thing is to change it at the earliest opportunity.
i completely understand this is not ideal and dont under estimate the inconvenience for her, but i am not turfing her out and will make sure she has time to find another family or will cover costs for her to return home.
i just feel i have to do what feels right for our family and the right person to be with the children.
i will be very sensitive about how i handle this

I I think it's a horribly unkind things to do to a young girl who's just arrived in a foreign country. I was an pair years ago. I was terrified and so nervous living with strangers. It took me several weeks to settle and for my real personality to show.
10 days is no time to judge someone. I'm sorry but what your suggesting is very selfish. You should be committed to giving her a fair chance. I feel sorry for the poor girl, she won't be able to do right for doing wrong now, cause your mind is made up. :(