Cm club - HELP please mindee being violent towards my dd1

[LoveMyGirls]

i know i've posted about this before but its been a few weeks now and there is no improvement with mindee's (3) behaviour.

he kicks bites and punches my dd1 (7) she won't retaliate and yes sometimes he is provoked and she is punished on those occasions which have only been a few times (he is punching etc at least 1 a day apart from 2 days where he didnt do it at all)

i use time out immediately and the retx of the time i give him stickers and praise.

his mum has been hard on him too.

i've talked to him about anger and how its ok to feel angry but not to lash out and to do star jumps instead.

he just does it so impulsivly you can't see a build up at all. he always does it when my back is turned but i know my dd is teeling the truth because i have seen the marks.

i just don't know what to do now, i've asked his mum about adhd and she says she has looked into it and doesnt think its that, she thnksit down to his age and its just a phase that he will grow out of in the meantime my dd1 is starting to dislike him more and more, he spends 50 hours a week at my house so she is with him from morning to night this is her home and i want her to be happy and they can play nicely sometimes that they can't play well all of the time.

when he's on his own with me he is very good and affectionate, tells me he loves coming etc i don't want to give notice because i'm sure he will stop it but just how i can make him stop i don't know?? please help??

i have booked myself on a behaviour course but it doesnt start until after xmas.

please its making me miserable that my dd1 and him can't get along, it makes from 3.15 til 6pm horrible as i dread what he will do next. he has even pushed my dd2 (who is only 1) out of the way because he wanted a toy, he didnt hurt her but thats not the point.

bump, please anyone?

my first post was really rushed as mindee had just left and i had to bath dd2.

i feel like unless i can come up with a solution that works i'll end up having to choose between making my dd1 happy and losing mindee that i have become attached to and is good the rest of the time and i also can't afford to lose the money either as he's my only mindee at the moment.

I'm sorry that I don't have much experience of this sort of thing, but I don't think this can go on much longer, can it? Would it be possible to take the mindee along to something that dd was doing some afternoons like dance or swimming or something so that she was safe and he was being minded, too? Not much of an idea perhaps but hopefully someone else will be along with others soon. Bumping for you at the very least.

bump

Is he not being nasty to dd2?

dd2 is only 1 and he seems to be quite taken with her, very gentle and loving.

i think it started because dd1 is quite bossy and he is used to being the only child i htink he had enough of her, he's told his mum he doesn't like her, i feel for both of them tbh dd1 had me on her own til she was 6 and then dd2 came along about 8 mths later mindee came along and in the next few weeks i have another mindee starting (11mths old)

today i sent my dd's to their grnadparents for a treat while i spent some time with mindee talking to him about how we are all friends and we dont hurt our friends, he said he missed dd1 and wanted her to come and play when she did get back just before dinner they were both really pleased to see each other and i told her he had missed her and wanted to be friends (hoping she will take the lead and be very friendly which worked) so i've promised him if hes good again tomorrow i will take him to toddler group which he loves and after dinner he can have jelly. im not holding my breath that he will be as well behaved as he was today because he won't have 1 to 1 attention and he's going t&t-ing tonight so i'm guessing he'll have had loads of sweets and be tired and grumpy. fingers crossed though.

I just popped back to see how things had gone. It sounds like you might well be on the right track LoveMyGirls. There may be setbacks along the way which I suppose is inevitable but I hope that it will all work out.

sorry honey, i cant advize really..i know you have done everything you can, so now its up to the parent to come up with some ideas..i would speak to them both and say that there must be some solution otherwise you cant put you own children in this position..get yourself reg on childcare plus website and get some free business cards/postcards to put in local shops from vistaprint...i know your are fond of him, but it does have to stop..good luck

hi LoveMyGirls..how's it going with mindee today???

mindee has been really good last 2 days. on tuesday i sent my girls to their grandmas for the afternoon and spent some time with mindee talking about being friends and not hurting our friends etc, he really missed dd1 and they were good when she came home yesterday was good, they played for about 45mins with blocks and lego til i asked dd1 to do her homework she said no because she was playing so i said she could go back to it afterwards, he wanted to play with what she'd built and dd1 said no and started having a strop so dp said if she wouldn't share she could go to her to her room, so she did and it defused the situation and they were ok for the rest of the day.

im promising him loads of incentives at the moment and making sure i stick to what i've said, so he gets stickers trips to toddler groups if he's good, pudding after dinner and his mum lets him stay up when he gets home and whenever i feel he's going a bit off track i remind himn of all the lovely things he gets for being good and i am giving lots and lots of praise for absolutly everything he does right.

im a bit worried about a few things though aside from that, mindee's mum wanted 2 weeks off at xmas and i said ok and i would have that too if i could (this was in june) now i'm going to have another mindee join before xmas so ive told his mum that i'm only going to have 1 week and im needed to work the other week and i can't afford not to as dp's car has broken beyond repair which means she pays me half for my week and full for her 2nd week, she wasn't happy at all about this and said i agreed to it so i should only charge half for the 2nd week (i didnt finalise the agreement i said i would try to have my hols when she had her's and i do do this in august)
i said she can pay me half for those 2 weeks as long as when i want my other week later she pays me full fee for it to make up for paying me half fee when im not on hols iyswim she agreed so i'm going to put it in writing for her to sign but i think she is better off paying me full fee otherwise she will end up paying me half for a week when shes at home with him and later paying me full fee and having to pay someone else full fee to look after him. i feel a bit awkward about it now but i am entitled to have my hols when i like etc aren't i?

other thing is that i supposed to be having a baby start soon but mum won't give me a date and i've had another enquiry now so i need to contact her and ask for a retainer if she wants me to keep the space.

so all in all feeling very unsure of myself as im going to need to be very assertive in the next few days, so any words of advice or support would be good. thanks girls

ok..well done in taming mindee..his mum...i really dont think she will be happy if you change mind again, so i would do as youve said, put it in writing and go through it with her explaining it was only a 'maybe' but you will honour it as goodwill gesture...new mindee's..ring parent and say you need a date otherwise you are going to have to take on this other child or charge a full fee retainer for hers..she will either say yes or no straight away i think so then you will no where you stand!..write it down before you ring..then if you get all togue ties, you will have some back up..shall i ring her for you..good luck.x