Would you change nanny in these circumstances?

[TwentyTwentyTwo]

I'm going round in circles about whether to employ a new nanny for my DC (4 and 18 months). Our current nanny has been with us 6 months and after a promising start, there are some issues that I'm really struggling with.

The main one is that I don't feel she has bonded particularly well with my DS (age 4). I feel like she always looks for the worst in him, almost gleefully telling me what he's done that's naughty that day. She wasn't very sympathetic when he was sick and didn't seem pleased that she would have to spend the whole day looking after him at home (he usually goes to preschool). He can be naughty sometimes but I don't think he's significantly worse than other 4 year old boys.

There have been a couple of times when I am pretty certain she hasn't told me the truth.

The children's bottoms are often a bit dirty like she hasn't wiped them properly at the end of the day and my 18 month old quite often has nappy rash. The children are also often grubby even after a bath as she doesn't wipe their faces.

There are other things like a couple of parking tickets, not major in itself but a bit annoying.

On the positive side, she is really good with my 18 month old, she is good at arranging lots of playdates for both children, she is completely reliable and punctual, cheerful, clean and tidy, she likes to take them on (expensive!) outings.

My main concern is the damaging effect of a change in continuity of care for my 18 month old. Basically do we stick with her for another six months till little one is 2 or do we make a change now. I'm worried if we make another mistake with a new nanny who turns out to be worse! Any advice/stories to share?

Trust your instincts. You don't sound happy. Personally I can forgive a dirty face or two or a parking ticket but if I felt my nanny was not bonding or did not like one of my children then I would want to get someone else. A major concern for me is your comment that she has not told the truth a couple of times. I am sure your 18 month old would soon adjust to someone new and I know its stressful finding a nanny. Unless you can sit down and resolve all your concerns with her then I think you should look elsewhere. My current nanny (who is leaving soon) really struggled to bond with my son (8) and I was very concerned but she got on with my DD and was reliable and trustworthy. I did sit down with with her and we discussed in a lot of detail the reason for this. In her case it was a lack of confidence. So we agreed on fun activities they could do together and over a period of a few weeks they got on a lot better. It has never been a suoer close bond that they share but it did get a lot lot better. If it hadnt though I would have looked for another nanny.

Ignore my typos.

She wants the good, easy things, doesn't she?

She likes expensive trips.
She's careless about parking tickets (I assume she assumes you will pay them? She might be a bit more careful if she had to pay.)
She arranges play dates.
She likes your son being out at pre school.

She dislikes getting her hands dirty (literally when they have been to the loo)
She dislikes staying in with a sick child
She hasn't bonded with your son.
She's told lies that you know of, and you should assume she's told lies that you don't know of.

I'd get rid on the basis of her relationship with your son.

Imperial - that's very perceptive of you! That's exactly what it is, I was saying the same thing to my DH earlier. Thanks Imperial and Rosie for your thoughts.

I'd get rid.

Agree with imperial. Say bye bye.

I agree too. She's not going to get any better now.

You shouldn't be paying for parking tickets for your nanny and make sure you have a maximum weekly kitty next time.

I agree too, let her go. You can find a much better nanny. A 4 year old is usually easy to bond with. She should have taken the opportunity when he was unwell and off preschool to spend extra time with him and snuggle up with his favourite books or jigsaws.

Some things like the dirty faces, parking tickets are easy to fix, bonding with a little child is a much bigger issue. What does your 4 year old say about the nanny? Does he enjoy any particular games with her?

Why 6 months, what's better then?

As a nanny I will say that the bond between nanny and each child is different. When starting with an older child it is hard to get a great bond but there certainly is a bond, not a dislike. You try to find what the child likes, pamper to them a bit to try to get them to like you, as they may resent having a nanny.
The older child may have been to nursery, then had mum at home on maternity leave, now nanny comes along and that can be a tough change for them, so they rebel a bit.

In your nannies cases, if you feel they are not bonding at all with your DS and that they enjoy telling you of bad things they have done (why tell you, nanny is in charge when you are not there so shouldn't she be dealing with it), then they are not a good fit for your family.

I agree the parking tickets issue would be a red flag of they were expecting you to pay. It is their fault as the driver, they should read signs and know where to park.

Expensive trips out do happen at times but generally nannies find things that save money, such as I pay for swimming on a monthly pass as that saves money as long as we go twice a week, which we do. I look out for discount vouchers for places, annual pass for local attraction, go to the playground and woods. Travel cost tends to be more the problem as places can be some distance away unless city based.

If you have trust issues with her, then end the agreement sooner than later. You must be able to trust your childcarer.

Imperial says it all - plus you don't trust her /think she has told lies - what about?

But all of the above - why would you keep her? Scared uou may find a worse nanny ......

Neglect comes to mind over the bottoms and dirty faces

One parking ticket happens - but not a couple. That's careless

Set a kitty amount and unless a big summer trip then once the Monthly kitty gone that's it's till next month

Agree with the above, and BTW she should pay the parking tickets. I once went halves on one with my nanny (genuine misunderstanding on her part about where to park, though very clearly signposted) and made it quite clear that any further ones were up to her.

If you stay as you are you are hoping things will get better but what if they don't. If you look for another nanny, one who can keep your child clean and not slag them off, you could end up with a diamond which I'm sure you agree your children deserve.

You need to find a nanny who is good with both your children. I would think a switch at 18mths is easier than at 2yrs. 2yr olds can change a lot behavioural wise and they tend to struggle more with change.
It can sometimes take a while to bond with an older child, but you have to want to bond with a child in order to do so. It doesn't sound like you nanny is that bothered about bonding with your 4yr old. She is prob counting down the days until he is at full time school.
She should be doing things like teaching him to wipe his own bottom etc.

Hi, yes I'm really scared of having a worse nanny next time, or getting someone who leaves after six months or has a lot of sick leave or something (I've seen some of the horror stories on Mumsnet). I'm just so aware of the importance of continuity of caregiver for the youngest (all that research about brain development and attachment and everything!)

I'm really wavering as to what to do. She does have her good points and is close with all the nannies of my 4 year old's friends, 4 year old gets to see his friends a lot which he loves. Her leaving would be a huge upheaval. She's not fundamentally a bad person and could be worse so I'm wondering if we stick with her for another 6 months till my youngest is 2 (ie. most crucial brain development etc) and then get someone else.

Oh god, I'm so incredibly stressed about this - yes we could find a diamond which is what I would love but what if we don't and then the poor kids are stuck with someone worse compounded by the fact they don't know them.

Continuity of care means fuck all if the person "caring" is shit. I also think stop stressing about the age two bit. Kids are adaptable and I think you need to pick better priorities tbh.

I would start quietly looking for someone else. I know what you mean about the importance of attachment etc (I'm a psychologist when I had a brain ) but I think the potential harm of considerable exposure to a caregiver who dislikes them is greater for your 4 year old than the minor disruption of a new caregiver for your younger child. Is this a full time nanny?

I'm learning lots from this thread though! Kitty, check :)

I was terrified about attachment issues when our much loved nanny went on maternity leave. Heartless DCs adjusted incredibly easily - Dc2 older than your baby but she was still the only nanny either of them could remember. If your nanny is mediocre at best, move on to someone better.

I am more likely to post a moan than a comment that yet another week has gone by when all childcare issues have gone smoothly in fridayshouse... MN can give you a distorted picture!