How damaging will this be to my child?

[Takemetochurch1]

Re-posting this here from Chat.

We feel that we have to let our nanny of six months go and look for a new nanny. My DC are 4 and 1.5 years old. There have been a number of issues with her not telling the truth and we feel that she has not bonded and is a bit cold with our eldest.

I am absolutely devastated - we spent a long time looking for what we thought was a good nanny and she came through an expensive agency. I am well aware of importance of attachment especially for our youngest and I am so upset that we are having to change her primary care giver (nanny works 4 days per week, 8.30-6.30).

However, I also feel sick that we are leaving our DCs with someone we can't trust, so we need to let her go. I have contemplated giving up work but I am just coming to the end of 3 years' study and training (including 1 of mat leave) and if I give up now then that will all be for nothing and I don't feel that is a good option either.

Anyway, just so worried about psychologically damaging the youngest re. attachment - any experiences, anyone had to do something similar? Any reassurances?

You are the primary caregiver I assume?

Not quite the same as a nanny, but my DDs changed nursery at the ages of 3.5 and 15 months respectively (attending 3 days per week). I was worried about it but they didn't bat an eyelid, particularly the younger one, and thrived in the new setting.

What I mean is that you are the parent / primary caregiver and your children are securely attached to you. A nanny won't replace that. Your DC will recover quickly - and will soon forget. Hopefully the next nanny will work out.

I don't think there will be any psychological fallout - plenty of babies go to nursery with regular staff turnover and turn out fine.

Thanks so much for the reassuring responses! I guess I am the primary caregiver, but our nanny spends almost as much time with the little one (older one goes to pre-school) as I do.

Just feeling so down that it hasn't worked out as we really tried so hard to find someone for the long-term, paid her well (£11 net/hour), checked two references (although with hindsight one of the references was for babysitting not nannying which makes a difference).

They'll be fine.

You (and your DP if you have one) are your child's primary attachments. Not a nanny who has been with you for 6 months.

I was a nanny, I took a job with 2 boys ages 2 and 4 at the time of starting, the previous nanny had been with the family since the oldest was 9 months old and the job was 5 days a week 7:30 till 7. I thought the boys may really miss the old nanny but they never ever mentioned her apart from very occasionally in a matter of fact way eg if I took them somewhere they had been with her they may say we went there with xxx.
Children move on so easily, its actually quite insensitive sometimes how quickly they don't notice someones absence! That girl was gutted to leave, the dc forgot to notice.
I'm under no illusion they ever mention me anymore either.

I think the change will be more difficult for a 4 year old. I'd be amazed if your 1 year old even remembered her 2 months down the line. She's bound to be a little unsettled for the first week, but it's better than putting up with a crap nanny.

The children will cope. We sadly had to let our amazing and wonderful nanny go when we had our second child. She did not bond with her at all. Had no interest in the baby. Such a shame as was superb with our older child. Our current nanny is also super. Kind, loving, full of fun, reliable, hard working. Both children adore her (as do we) and was the best decision for our family. Good luck.

Children are fickle yours will be fine with a new nanny

If you don't trust your nanny the relationship won't ever work - if through an agency have you told them your concerns? You will have to give notice - assume 4/6 weeks ?

Surprised one ref was from a bs job and not long term job - assuming this wasn't her 2nd nannying job if paying £11nett and always discuss gross - ESP as 4days / nanny may get anther job and YOU will be paying more if quote nett

Shame you aren't in blondsland kent as nice ages and days

Please don't worry. The important thing is that they've had stability. It'll be fine with a good new nanny. My children have had several changes, unfortunately, but are v well adjusted. If you find a positive, proactive, energetic (and trustworthy) new nanny, the children will be so focused on her care and activities that the previous nanny will become a pleasant memory vs pined for figure of abandonment - similar to an old primary school teacher.

But I did share exactly your concerns at the time of transition(s)