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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Freaking out about au pair arrival

29 replies

pjsgalore · 22/02/2015 18:08

This is such a first world problem, sorry...but I've got a new au pair (my first au pair) arriving in three weeks and I'm all of a sudden stricken about it! What if it's a total nightmare! I've just started doing some work from home - writing - and will occasionally go into a work for a few days here and there. But I will mostly be at home with her. I've got a four-year-old and a 19-month-old. And I wanted an au pair because I was getting exhausted by only being able to write at night or during naps - as well as obviously doing child care and all the housework etc. And I chose an au pair because of the babysitting and the help with housework etc (as opp to a nanny a couple of mornings a week). And also because my DH works long hours and I thought it might be nice to have someone else in the house. But now I'm scared!! Anyone else felt like that? And have some tips for when she first arrives??

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Messygirl · 22/02/2015 18:18

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pjsgalore · 22/02/2015 19:15

Thank you Madrigals! Well I hope I put enough effort into recruiting...- I looked at 100 profiles, but I went with her mostly on gut instinct and her tone in emails etc. She seems absolutely lovely. And was lovely on Skype. I got a police certificate. But you're right, thank you. Good plan. I will write a list of stuff we need to do in her first few days so we're not wandering aimlessly around! I've said she should arrive on saturday and start on Monday - so she's got time to unpack and relax. And I thought we could take her out with us for a meal on Sunday. I was going to put flowers and chocolates in her room... I'm sure it'll be okay. Breeeeathe!

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grandmainmypocket · 22/02/2015 19:36

It'll be ok. It is nerve wracking having someone new in your home. Breathing and keeping busy sound like the right idea.

monkeypuzzeltree · 22/02/2015 22:17

We have very similar lives! We are almost 2 months in with first au pair. I also work a lot from home. Preparation is key, write a detailed timetable of what you want doing when. Don't commit to too much work in the first week, let au pair shadow you doing everything, the more time you put in the first week the easier you make it. First month is hard work just giving info all the time. Find out where the language course is, make sure she's in the loop with other local au pairs on FB. Give her a tour of the town, remind them about parking tickets!!!

When you work from home, after the first week, let her get on with it, if she's doing tea, keep out the way, stay in your office, or wherever you work, let's her have time to bond with the kids, if you try and help too much they don't know who to listen to - I realised this by week 4, thought I was being helpful, in fact hindering. I guess I wouldn't like my boss sitting on my desk all day!

If they need help they will shout! It's a lot about us learning to be host moms! Be honest, if something matters to you and you want it done a certain way, say so up front, much easier for everyone. I'm already slightly terrified of this lovely one leaving in the summer!

Gusthetheatrecat · 23/02/2015 22:20

You sound like me in the summer! We are now at the end of au pair no. 2, and expecting au pair no.3 in a couple of weeks.
We LOVED having both our au pairs, and fully expect to love having our new one with us, too. But, yes, it's scary before they arrive. You don't quite know how it'll go (and there are a lot of horror stories out there). But in most cases, if you're reasonable and they are too, you can all have a brilliant time. My children absolutely adore our current au pair, and we are all really going to miss her when she's gone. It's so helpful to have another pair of hands around the house, and is actually lovely to have someone else around the house for company.
My only hints are ones I picked up from here, which range from the specific to the general: write a 'handbook' with as many expectations and as much info in it as possible. We set some ground rules in ours (no overnight visitors without prior agreement, for example. I don't mind friends and boyfriends visiting but I draw the line at one night stands...) and put emergency contact numbers and all sorts in it. Other bits of advice included to put together a welcome set with some chocolate, a magazine, etc. I always ask our au pairs if there is anything they like to eat or would prefer not to eat - though actually they have been too polite to say so far. Another MNer advised that helping to empty the dishwasher is a good task for when an au pair first arrives. Sounds odd, but it gives you something to do, and you do it together, and it means you show them where things go in the kitchen!
Another MNer said 'don't let anything go', which isn't as negative as it sounds, but just means, I think, don't be too British about not speaking up. It's taken me a while to get this, but now when something isn't quite right I just immediately say, breezily, "Would you mind getting that?" or "Actually, those plates don't go in the microwave." or "Could you give me a hand?" And that's it, done, rather than me stewing over it for ages and leaving something small to become a big problem. I think the language barrier means my normal stumbling roundabout way of talking isn't very useful, and a quick, "Please be careful with that." is much better, easier, and doesn't cause offence.
With my children, I have found I need to draw back and allow a bit of time for them to get to know the new au pair. My 6 year old has been v. warm but my 4 year old has been, variously, cool or foul at different times. I am now planning a settling in period for her, including some blatant bribery, such as my new au pair saying, "So, DD2, I really want to buy some Kinder Eggs, but I don't know where I could buy some. Can you show me?" then they have a little trip out a deux, and come back with chocolate, and lay down some nice associations as well as having a chat together. (My 2 year old is entirely unpredictable, so god knows what will happen there or how I will manage it.)
I also think it takes a long time for an au pair to settle in. The first week I think you are basically showing them around. The second week they are asking questions and trying to get on with it. Both times I found they were helpful from early on, but it wasn't until several weeks in that I suddenly realised they were really capable, and we had worked out how things would go, and things were running really smoothly.
I read someone online saying that it would all work if you just thought of how you'd want someone to treat your daughter if she was in a foreign country, and that guiding principle has been really helpful to me.
Good luck! I hope all goes well. Come and let us know.

fluffymouse · 24/02/2015 00:54

Another post to say don't worry.

We have had very good experiences with our au pairs in general.

You have already been given lots of good advice re prep for au pair, I don't have much to add. Maybe just to send her the contract if you haven't already so she has time to review it prior to arriving.

HRHQueenMe · 24/02/2015 08:55

Gusthetheatrecat, excellent post!!!

Just to add first two weeks are awkward for everyone, the kids turn into rude monsters and the au pair probably thinks "what the hxxl have I done! Get me home now!!" . Just breathe and you will find two months in you cant remember life before the ap.
My children have adored all our au pairs and the biggest fear when our current one leaves is that the children will be heartbroken. (So will I, shes brilliantly fab in every way)

theintrepidfox · 24/02/2015 12:18

Nothing much to add - agree entirely with Guthetheatrecat and others.

We now have our fifth aupair and have been really happy with all of them.

I noted that (understandably) in the beginning they didn't know how much free time to share with DH and me after DD was asleep, so I explained that they don't have to feel obliged to stick around but are welcome to join us / watch a film / have a chat any time. Ditto for family outings. If DH and I want to have time a deux we tend to go out but find that most of the time the aupair spends free evenings in her room or out with friends. We have a rule that we spend dinner time as a family (including the aupair of course) whenever possible and always invite her if we go out for dinner with DD, and she gives at least a day's notice if she's got other plans.

Another thing to agree early on is how many evenings you expect her to babysit and how much flexibility you need. We agreed to give her 3 evenings off (minimum) and any change is by 24 hour notice from either side, and that works very well (but we have only one DD who is older).

Our aupairs have been such a brilliant addition to our small family, they really brought new cultures, food, ideas and joy to our household, and we are still in touch with all of them (just planning to go to our first aupair's wedding in Germany Smile).

pjsgalore · 24/02/2015 19:28

Thanks so much everyone - this is such positive stuff. I feel so much calmer after reading all of these. She seems like such a lovely girl - we skyped again last night. Will start writing up a contract. Excellent advice. Almost looking forward to it now!

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Messygirl · 24/02/2015 21:56

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Messygirl · 24/02/2015 22:50

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HRHQueenMe · 06/03/2015 09:05

Any update OP?

pjsgalore · 08/03/2015 21:13

Hi! No no update yet - she arrives this Friday. Will keep you posted! At the moment I'm frantically preparing her bedroom - also feel the need to make sure the house is TOTALLY organised before she arrives for some reason... like I'm going through all my kitchen cupboards making them a bit more user friendly etc. I've obviously gone mad!

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Messygirl · 09/03/2015 06:57

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Messygirl · 12/03/2015 11:12

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Gusthetheatrecat · 12/03/2015 13:43

Good luck! Our new au pair arrived on Saturday and I am already struggling to imagine life without her. The children love her (already! They are fickle little beings) and she is great fun to have around. I hope you have as lovely an experience as we are having.

pjsgalore · 14/03/2015 14:39

Thanks for the good luck everyone!! So, we're 24 hours in and she is absolutely lovely. I already feel quite fond of her. I suspect I may end up mothering her a bit - maybe it's because she's just arrived, but she is very much down in the house with us - doesn't seem to want to be on her own. But SO FAR I'm not finding that a problem - I quite like her company.

She's getting on very well with my youngest - 20 months - but can't understand a word my 4 yo DS says, so does stare at him a bit blankly. I've tried to encouage her to say to him 'slowly' so she doesnt' just greet him with silence!

Because of this I think he's unsure of her. Also, embarrassingly, his behaviour has been DREADFUL, this morning. Maybe it's got something to do with someone new around. Hopefully he'll calm down soon! But I saw her tickling him earlier, and she's very smiley. So we'll see! I've already asked her to do a few small things - and didn't mind it - so that's good! I thought I'd feel really awkward, but not so much so far. Will keep you posted!

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Messygirl · 14/03/2015 23:11

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AvaCrowder · 14/03/2015 23:24

Ask her to teach your children to answer the phone when her mum calls. My sister and I could say, 'Rian is fine, Rian is in London' in Spanish from a very young age. Rian esta bien Rian esta in Londres. We always had brilliant au pairs that my mum is still friends with. Mum always said she didn't want a maid she just wanted someone to hang out with us after school and give us tea. We took to them all very quickly and liked them all, though in retrospect my mum liking them probably helped that. Good luck have fun, learn something and teach something.

Messygirl · 15/03/2015 08:01

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Gusthetheatrecat · 15/03/2015 10:55

I second the advice to get her to do something nice with your son.
Our second au pair (set up by me) very seriously said to my middle child that she needed to buy some Kinder Eggs, and could DD2 please show her the way to the local shop? They set off hand in hand, bought Kinder Eggs, came back and constructed the toys together, and everything seemed very slightly plainer sailing after that!

Messygirl · 15/03/2015 12:31

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PetiteLibrary · 16/03/2015 13:51

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pjsgalore · 20/03/2015 22:28

Hello ladies! I wonder what that message above was all about?? Maybe it was someone offended by the first world problem thing....

Anyway, you won't believe what has happened. Three days after she arrived I came down with strep throat - I mean shivering shaking in bed and then terrible terrible sore throat. Onto antibiotics. Only now feeling well enough to actually be in charge of the children (DH took day off work as well - she wasn't on her own with them). So she was thrown totally in at the deep end, and also had to have a day out with my in-laws who'd come up to help - because I literally could not leave my bed.

Now she has it!! In her bed, shaking uncontrollably, in agony, first time ever away from home, on antibiotics. Poor girl has been sobbing. I feel so awful!! Not an easy start. I almost feel like saying, let's just give up - I'll pay for you to go back to spain!!

NIGHTMARE!!!

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monkeypuzzeltree · 20/03/2015 22:42

Good grief, that is truly rubbish. Well let's just say she now knows your family step in when needed, that you get her meds when needed and hopefully she's realistic enough to realise these things happen. Give her time to get back in her feet, I'm sure she will get on with things. But poor you,I'm learning from
My first au pair experience. Thought dealing with missing a boyfriend was rough but you win!! Hope you're all fixed soon.