Baby crying with nanny

[Calabrese]

This is my first post here and I'm hoping for some advice. My DD is now 1 year, and has been with her nanny since she was 6 months. I work 4 days a week, and share the nanny with another family, with two 'overlap' days.

My problem is that I don't feel that DD has ever really 'bonded' with the nanny. She never looks excited to see her when she arrives, and always cries when I or DH leaves. She looks much happier to see our builder. I don't think that the nanny's doing anything 'wrong' and as far as I can tell she's bonded with the other baby she looks after, who after a few weeks, now never cries when her parents leave. I know DD doesn't cry all day and is happy after a few minutes, or even less, and the nanny does take her out to groups and things, which she enjoys. I just have this nagging feeling that she should seem more excited to see her, and shouldn't always seem distressed when we go. TBH I don't think she'd care if she never saw her again.

Am I just being unrealistic, or do you think it sounds like there's a problem?

Calabrese - all babies are different and hit the worst separation anxiety at different ages.

I think crying when you leave in the morning is entirely normal at this age. And any excitement at seeing the nanny arrive is probably tempered by knowing that you are about to leave.

As long as the baby is settling well once you have gone and you are happy with the other inteaction you see between them, then I would be pretty happy.

OTOH, if you feel something isn;t right, then you should trust your instincts and probably try someone else

BTW - welcome to MN

I don't know if there is a problem, per se (ie, nanny being mean to her or something) but i'm not sure I could leave my child with someone that she didn't really bond with.
That said, your dd might be the same with any nanny, because she knows that it means you are going away for a longish period of time.

sorry, no real answer there for you, but if you aren't comfortable then do think about getting a new nanny

How is your DD when it comes for nanny to leave? Does she get upset at that separation? Does she escort the nanny to the door and get upset when she can't go with nanny? - I care for a child who has just turned 2, and he was getting upset when anyone left, mum... dad... me. Now he waits for me to arrive and anounces to the household when he sees my car!

Separation anxiety is quite normal. Usually crying will stop within minutes sometimes seconds. If everything else is going well, then I don't see there being a problem.

I hate to say this Calabrese, but I think you have to trust your instincts here that something is not quite right. Probably, as you say, the nanny is not doing anything "wrong", but for whatever reason your baby just does not like her.

I used to leave my ds with a childminder who he loved, and he always smiled when he saw her. On holiday recently we put him in a kids' club and he was allocated a nanny he didn't like - he used to scream when we left him there, and one day it was that nanny's day off and he got another nanny (who he'd got to know slightly) and he didn't scream, gave her a big smile instead. I've just started him with a new childminder, and although he cries a bit when I leave him I know that's just because it's his first week, and he actually smiles at the childminder when he first sees her, only cries when I leave.

What I'm trying to say is, you get a feeling about your child's relationship with other people, and I think you should trust that feeling.

I agree Tuttifrutti, my dd was happy to be left at Childminder but when I tried a local creche she was absolutely mortified I kept trying regularly and she still cried. I think the bond is really important. Definitely trust your instincts, it's not just about meeting their physical needs their emotional needs are important too. Likewise don't think the nanny is doing anything wrong. If it makes you feel any better my dd has no bond with her grandma and even hits her (she doesn't do that with anyone else!).

Thanks for your replies. Nannynick - she has never once been upset when the nanny leaves, though if she's on her own her, she does sometimes cry when she leaves the room. The biggest issue is that the share with the other family is going well - the two babies like each other, financially it makes a big difference and the other family is 100% happy, so disrupting it all because of a nagging feeling is hard. But my insitincts are that there's no bond between them.

I wouldn't be so quick to bail out. Just changing the childcare arrangements can in itself be a bit traumatic for the child. And as you say so many other things are falling into place. You could get a nanny share with another family and a different family and your DD could love that nanny to bits, then other family could say move away. So many things can go wrong. I personally wouldn't back out of the arrangement without good reason. Now, if you have reason to believe your DD is being mistreated or neglected that would be totally different. But, from what you have said, I don't think that's the case.