A question for nannies...

[Dontwanttopanic]

Our nanny (with whom we usually get on really well, and who is generally absolutely fantastic with DD, 16 months) believes very strongly that DD needs to learn to go to sleep on her own. She is pushing very hard for us to leave DD in her room on her own at bedtime, popping in and out every few minutes, rather then sitting with her. I am very unhappy about this - I had always said that we would never be happy to do controlled crying and I feel that there's no need - DD already sleeps through the night.

For the last couple of weeks, we've tried it for short periods primarily because DD really loves her, she is generally really excellent, and I feel that I need to compromise in order not to lose her - I feel that I'm weighing this up against DD's overall unhappiness if our nanny were to leave.

However, last night was so awful that I'm still upset about it. I popped in and out a couple of times and after ten minutes of unsuccessful "popping", went back in and sat down with her. She was already so upset that she carried on screaming and screaming and then vomited her whole dinner up. I feel like the worst parent in the world. The first thing I said was that we couldn't do this again and we would need to go back to sitting with her. Our nanny just kept saying that we would talk about it today.

I guess my question is: is it unreasonable to ask our nanny to settle DD in the way we ask her to do it, and the way we are comfortable with? Am I being unreasonable in making this decision unilaterally? Could I ask the nannies out there whether they would expect the parents or the nanny to be making this decision?

I am a nanny and a parent of a 27 month old and I would say you as the parent say how you want your child settled. You may find your daughter settles differently in the day for the nanny but at night you do what you want, does your nanny live in? If not then I don't see how she has any say in what you do and even if she does it is your decision. Your know what works best for your daughter maybe suggest gradual withdrawal of you want to suggest a compromise (although I don't see why you should need to) where you still sit with her but a little further away every few days. And if she will only settle that way in the day time too then that's what your nanny does, she shouldn't be leaving your little girl to cry if that's not what you want her to do, you pay her so you say how you want things done.

Thanks very much. I was hoping that was what people would say but am desperately trying to avoid an out and out confrontation if we can avoid one.

Your nanny is not there to dictate how you parent I'm a nanny- and a mum. And I'm also very against CIO and unnecessary sleep training. YOU feel that is is unnecessary. You are happy with your own routine.

I think you nanny is over stepping. If you'd have gone to her and asked her to advise and help fine, but you haven't. She's enforcing something you don't want.

"We are very happy with how we currently handle bedtime and would like to keep it that way, so we will not be continuing with the method you asked us to try"

How old is your nanny? This just says "I know better than you" and usually stems from a more mature nanny.

Please don't put your nannies happiness above your dd. Also your nanny isn't going to leave you over bedtime routine! Unless she's very silly. It sounds like you otherwise have a good relationship and your dd likes her.

It is true that she's been nannying for probably the best part of 20 years and has lots of great experience. I actually am afraid that she might leave over the issue but obviously you are completely right. My priority obviously has to be DD, not our nanny!

It's difficult. She feels strongly that she knows best and you don't want her to leave as that will be very upsetting for your daughter but it really isn't up to her how you settle your baby at night. Why not just tell her you're doing as she asked? She's not there, she won't know, and it keeps everyone happy.

What does your Dd do for her day time naps? Do you or the nanny sit with her at these times too? Does the nanny put your toddler to bed at night sometimes?

I'm wondering why the nanny thinks you should change the routine?

I have had toddlers who have settled for me when I have left them, no crying, but still cry when mum or dad put them to sleep. Even toddlers understand that mummy usually sit with them and the crying is a protest.

I usually give a cuddle and say sleep time now, baby/toddler in the cot and I'm out the door. If I hear them cry I go back and repeat the 'sleep time now ...' Usually works for me.

I would advice you to use the gradual with draw method for you daughter as getting upset to point of vomiting not working for her or you.

Chat to your nanny I expect she is fond of your daughter too. Surely she will not leave because of this.

Yes, both we and our nanny had previously sat in the room with her. The nursery is quite little so we were already sitting about as far away as it was possible to be whilst still in the room, unfortunately! I don't think we can withdraw any further without giving rise to the same problem.

I totally appreciate that DD probably doesn't react that way when our nanny puts her down, because she doesn't when DH puts her down either. The problem is that she does react that way when I do it, and our nanny feels very strongly that we all have to be consistent. Ultimately, what happened last night is not an option and so if we are all going to have to be consistent then I feel that it's going to have to be the original way. I just want to check whether it's normal for us to be making the decision even if our nanny disagrees with it.

It is totally normal for you to make the decision! You should listen to her advice and take her views into account but ultimately you are the parent, the employer and what you say goes. She'd be bonkers if she left a job she otherwise liked over this. And if she does then she is someone who would only behave like this on other issues if you backed down now - do you want to be held to ransom on important child rearing decisions by your employee?

hmm tricky, i can under stand consistent, and seems dh does what nanny does, if dd doesnt cry with either of them

in the end you are dd mum and the nanny employer and what you say goes, and you need to say to nanny you are happy with what you are doing at bedtime and will continue

ive seen it many times for children i nanny for, i put them to bed by story/ kissing them goodnight and walking out

parents go in every few mins, or 2 dads even laid on the floor as dictated by ds till they went to sleep, when the boy 2 said that to me and pointed to the floor to me, i said no way, kidded him and said it was sleep time and walked out

point being, children do sometimes play up parents, if they know they can

but as i said you do what you want to do and if by staying with dd for 10mins makes her sleep do it, i would suggest changing this if she then doesnt settle after 20mins and demands your attention (whe older), but if not causing a problem, apart from to nanny, then dont worry

I agree with Grit. You are the employer and make the rules.
I agree in general it is best to be consistent; otherwise it is confusing for your daughter. But if she seems to have worked out that you all have different routines.
Even if the room is small you can still do gradual withdrawal. Eg 1 by the cot, 2 back to cot, 3 in the doorway. But sounds like you are not comfortable with this.
The other thing you could do would be to talk to your daughter, tell her you are going to leave her to sleep and assure you will be there when she wakes up. Toddlers understand more than you think.

You say the nursery is quite small can you not progress the distance by sitting on the landing with the door open make sure the hall etc is dark as well as her room so it is all one room to her. As I said before do what works for you, she may not need that extra comfort if nanny or dh put her down but she does when you do it, dont worry about it, she won't still need/want you to do it when she is older and if she does you will be able to explain why you are not staying with her and she will be able to understand. She is too little now to understand that, have you tried a trick I use with my son 27months, he will be in his bed but want more cuddles, I tell him I am just going to eat my tea/use the bathroom/sort the washing and then leave the room with the door open more than normal but not fully and hall light on so he knows I am coming back, if he gets upset I do pop back in and say I will just be one more minute , quite often he gets bored waiting and falls asleep and if not then I will go in and cuddle him to sleep. Good luck but remember you make the decision not her.

What Blondes said.

I'm a maternity nurse but originally was a nanny.

I think every child and baby I've nannied with has settled differently between parents and nanny, in fact even between parents.

If you think there is no issue in sitting in the room with her then there isn't an issue. That said if your daughter is fine with daddy and nanny not staying as long then that's fine as well. The most important thing to be consistent about is NOT to leave her crying! If nanny can't handle that then I don't think she is really the nanny for you especially as your daughter grows you don't want to have disagreements about other things that come up eg toilet training, behavioural management.

One of the children at 18 months would not settle for parents until 9pm and up by 5am and most nights would throw up in her bed before falling asleep. When parents traveled she was asleep by7pm and awake up until 8am, no crying, no throwing up.

I do agree with mrswishywashy that kids tend to act differently (and often worse around parents) in my last family the mum was exactly like you, she believed in staying with the room with the baby until she fell asleep, I have no problem with that but it didn't work at all with that baby, she would become hysterical and only fall asleep after at least a good hour, probably exhausted of fighting her sleep, as a result after at 15 months old she was still waking up at least twice during the night.

At first I tried to follow through with it but it was a nightmare and I felt more like I was torturing her (and myself!) by staying in the room watching her scream to death for an hour because she wouldn't understand why I would stay her looking at her instead of freeing her.

I tried the putting her in her bed, wishing her a good nap before leaving immediately the room and she would be asleep in five minutes watch in hand. So while I felt a bit bad disregarding what the mum asked me to do, it worked for me and I felt it was the best for the baby.

So if it works great for your kid during the day, I'd say let your Nanny do it her way during the day but you should do it your way at night time ( even though I can see her point with the consistency).

You can force her to do it your way during the day but you need to make sure it will benefit your DD. For example, I am in another family right now and I am in charge of another baby she settles fine with me and have great naps but very short when her mum is at home ( I think it's because she only spend an hour or two with her parents a day so when the mum is at home, she is excited) so she gets worried, looks up on the internet and suddenly want to change her whole routine based on the two short days she spend with her daughter. I don't blame her at all, at the end of the day she is a mum and she gets to decide what's best for her kid, but I think what works for one doesn't always work for the other. In your case the leaving her to cry doesn't work at all at night time at least. I agree with trying sitting outside the room with the door open.

I know a lot of child carers (like childminders for example) would not have time to spend thirty minutes or more with each kid to wait for them to fall asleep, but you have a Nanny and I assume you pay her an higher wage for you to be able to have your DD looked after exactly the way you want it to be, so you are obviously within your rights to put your foot down and express what you want for your daughter and what you expect from her. She might get pissed but at the end of the day, it's your child so you get to make the call.

I'm have nothing new to add to the conversation but I am also a nanny and say you get to decide the rules. I have watched parents do things with their child in a way I certainly wouldn't but I've learned to bite my tongue. And nothing has ever had a really lasting impact on the child's wellbeing thus far!

If sitting with your DD is something you're happy doing and works for both of you then do it! It really isn't anything to do with your nanny.

As a compromise would you be willing to say that she can settle your daughter differently as long as she doesn't leave her to cry to the point of hysteria? consistency is very important but in this instance there's nothing to suggest that a variety of techniques is causing any confusion.

I am a nanny, the children I care for have been always put straight in their cot / bed by me and fall asleep with no crying / complaining. They are 13 months apart so I have no choice as they always slept at the same time bar first few weeks (are now 3 1/2 & 4 1/2 years old so no longer nap).

The parents always had to lie beside them to put them to bed at night. There are 2 of them so not a problem for them and it suited them. If I looked after them in the evening the children slept the same way as nap time.

Things obviously weren't consistent but it was never a problem. It's the parent's choice how they put them to sleep and they left it up to me how I did things too. I had the oldest from 3 months and he slotted into both routines perfectly. I had a lot to do during nap time so spending 30 minutes with a child was not an option however if the parents wished me to do nap time a certain way obviously I would just something else wouldn't get done.

I don't see the issue she is having, it's your child and your choice how to put them to bed. Tbh why is it an issue for her? How does it impact on her day?

You only need consistency if YOU decide that she will sleep buy herself all the time. As long as you are happy to stay with her in the room and the nanny can settle her down easily, then why does she care? Your daughter knows what to expect with each of you and it;s working.

She is massivelly crossing the line in thinking she can even bring the subject of what YOU should do.

And I am not even a defender of cosleeping or staying with the child in the bedroom, I think the sooner you sleep train, the better. Yet, I woul dnever tell a parent what to do.

Your child and you are literally the boss - nanny can give advice and suggestions but she is massively overstepping to try to insist upon anything.