Live out nannies staying for dinner

[ThunderAndFrightening]

Our new nanny started two weeks ago and I am not sure whether her behaviour around meals is normal and just something I haven't experienced with previous nannies.

It's not in their contract as a benefit , but we have always said our nannies can help themselves to food whilst working. Having said that they don't have to eat with them, especially evening meal as previous nannies have always wanted to eat with their families when they get home and DCs often just have a light supper, as they have activities and get a hot meal at school. We discussed this with the new nanny and they seemed fine with it. Our evenings are a bit flexible depending on after school activities, play dates and what time we get home. Nanny normally finishes 6.30/7.00pm. DCs eat around 6/6.30.

Twice in the first week I got home around mealtime and said the nanny could leave early. Again this was something we told her to expect, my commute is unpredictable so we pay for more hours than we need. She then pretty much insisted on staying to eat with us, which one evening meant she left way after her finish time. It happened again the second week, even though I was quite clear she could leave when I arrived home.

I can see if she had planned on eating with the children it's a pain to then have to sort her own meal, but I don't really want her staying to eat with us regularly. Reading this back I feel like a cow trying to shuffle her out the house, but when I get home I really want a quick handover and for her to maybe to tidy up/finish what she's doing and go, so we can all get on with our evenings. It's especially annoying when she is staying beyond normal finish time in order to eat with us. It means I get very little time on my own with the DCs to find out about their day, which our nanny already knows about so is chipping in and prompting them.

What do others do? Is it normal for nannies to want to stay and eat and spend extra time with the family?

Sounds odd to me - we had 2 nannies and both pretty much left for the evening as soon as they could without being rude.

I guess if she is new, she probably wants to get to know you too. I was working from home some of the time when we had nannies, so I got to know them pretty well, and I think it does help.

Could you suggest one day of the week (or once a fortnight?) when she stays for dinner but tell her you like to have your own time with DC on the other days?

That is so weird. You don't have to feed your nanny outside working hours. Once you come home and tell her she can leave, she HAS to leave. I could understand if you paid her until 7 and told her she can leave at 6.30, she could insist on setting the table and preparing supper, but then not eat with you.

I have never heard of that. I hope she at least does the supper and doesn't expect you to do it. Tell her that you want to make sure she knows that she

Maybe send her an email telling her that you have noticed that she stayed after you come home. Tell her that you want to make sure that she knows she can leave when you arrived, even if it's before her finishing time.

Every nanny I know would run out the door if they were said they could leave early and be paid

What is she doing after she leaves you? If she is off to do an exercise class near to your house at 7.30, for example, she might well be planning to eat at yours & then go there and, if she doesn't, won't have eaten and would just be hanging around until her class starts. Likewise if she has agreed to meet friends who work more traditional hours and so will have had a chance to go home & eat before they meet in a way that she won't.

Dancingwitch it happens to me sometimes, I don't impose myself to the family I work for. My plans are my problem. I generally walk or go have a coffee somewhere

Seems a bit odd to want to stay, especially beyond the working hours.

If you get home around mealtime, the meal is already served or soon will be, so makes more sense to stay then but it would not that very long to eat something.

Maybe they have no food at their home? Hard to know why they are feeling the need to stay.

I think this is something you need to discuss with the nanny and clarify whether she can or cannot have her evening meals with the children. Especially as the time you arrive home varies it means that the nanny will never know if she has time to eat with the children or not - so won't know what size meal to do (enough for her as well or not), or whether she needs to get anything prepared or out of the freezer for herself at home.

I always eat with the children (unless I have other plans), as it means I don't have to prepare two evening meals in 1 day and by the time I get home for about 7pm I really wouldn't want to have to prepare and make a meal then as I much prefer to eat earlier in the evening.

There has been occasions when the parents arrive home early and I have stayed to eat dinner with the children, as the parents tell me they are happy for me to stay as they know I always eat with the children - it is very uncommon for them to come home before dinner though.

Would making dinner time earlier help with being able to plan ahead for when nanny does eat with the children? Some days there may be activities that determine when the meal needs to be but on other days would an earlier time work?

Thanks all, lots of useful replies. I'll chat with her, there might be good reasons for it and I can see the kit knowing might make it hard to plan. Although the flexible finish time was discussed at interview and again when she started.

Previous nannies would mostly just cook for the DCs, so timing the meal to fit with the nanny's routine wasn't an issue. I'm not keen for that to be the deciding factor in when they do things.

Thanks again

how weird, most nannies are more then happy to leave asap as parents home,esp if 30/60mins early

tho she may be going to gym/seeing friends etc

6.30 seems late to eat for children, tho obv depends on their age

I always say at interview that I eat tea with the children as cooking and eating when I finish work (7:30 so not eating until 8:30 at the earliest) is too late for me.

I have always lived-in with separate accommodation so very short commute!!

However, you have every right to say that you want family time, maybe on the days you are going to be home early you could text her to say 'on the train, will be home by xx:xx' so she has time to prepare herself something quick to finish by the time you are home?!

Do you think it could be a budget issue for the nanny and she thinks she is saving herself money by eating at your house?

I do think you need to make it clear to her that you are fine with her leaving as soon as you get home, even if you are early. She may well think that this would create a poor impression and even that she should stay a bit later next day to make up for an early finish. Having said that she is free to go when you get home, I think it would be a good idea to forewarn her when she can expect that to be so she can plan accordingly, whether that means grabbing a quick sandwich or arranging to meat a friend to eat.

My nanny, relatively new, always hung around when I got home early until I explicity said that it was ok for her to leave - now she knows, she gets ready to go as soon as I get home. Maybe it's an expectations issue?

I think the eating thing is a bit odd. I always end up staying 20 mins on as mb and I chat too much but I'd never impose myself on the evening meal!

Very odd. I have never heard of this with a live out nanny. Re Caillard's point - live in nannies totally different, not at all out of the ordinary to eat with the children.

Has she only ever been a live-in nanny before? If so, maybe this is the issue?

One of the main benefits of having a live out nanny is that you do have family time at things like meals and/or don't have to accommodate someone else's timing/needs/habits in this area. I wouldn't expect to be funding a meal for a live out nanny (who is paid more than live in because they are covering their own costs) either. I don't think it's being mean; we have had live-in childcare for the last several years but a live out nanny previously so I@ve experienced both arrangements.

I also wouldn't like the blurred lines with what is 'normal working time' and what is considered 'overtime'. I would head this off in case it becomes a talking point; I doubt she's going to ask you for extra pay but you wouldn't want her thinking: well I stayed extra time on x date so that means I can leave early or have some other benefit. She sounds to me like someone who many not 'get' boundaries in the way that you do.

If it were me I think I would initially tackle the hours angle (for one thing it seems less unfriendly than sitting her down specially and saying she can't eat with you.)

Tell her that you expect her to finish promptly when you get home as it's important to you as her employer that you adhere to the agreed hours. When you need her to stay late, you "will let her know" in advance.

The next time she tries to stay for dinner, I probably repeat this and if she's not getting it - really - tell her you need some family time over dinner, but thank you.

sorry this is so long...

She just strikes me as the sort of person who is very much moving to the beat of her own drum, if that makes any sense. Just not very AWARE of other people's needs. You put the hours you did in the contract for a reason. You told her to expect you home early - for a reason. We have had au pairs like this and it's important to reset expectations early on or it can spread to other sorts of areas.

I've had a chat with her and we'll see. Expectations are clear now as it was a friendly chat. But as some of you pointed out it is a boundaries thing, so we'll see. Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

Just a small thing but if you made it plain to her that you expect her to eat meals with /sit with your children while they eat [depending on their ages this is quite important] then she may have felt uncomfortable getting up and going if you have just walked in, are still in your work clothes [I always try to change quickly to avoid the drycleaning bills but my kids are small] and generally still sorting yourself out, checking the mail etc.
Two weeks in, I wouldn't automatically jump to assume that she is trying to save herself some cash but if you have employed someone until 7pm who does not have a family to go home to, it would be understandable for them to assume that they will eat with the children every evening. Whether that's a perk is debatable imo.

Not in my experience Tread. Ours were single but had stuff to get on with and also wouldn't have dreamt of disrupting our family time.

I would jump at the chance of finishing early :D I finish at 7 so will always make plans for around 7:30. If I finish early (very very rare) then I see it as a plus and will not hang around. I have very occasionally eaten with the children (obviously I always do when staying over or working late) but it was when I had to be somewhere straight after work where I would be able to eat. I checked with mb first and I offered to contribute some food. she said don't be silly and that I never need to ask. my point is... yes it is odd. and I would only ever eat with them if I really needed to. And mb would know first.

Has she actually been paid while working with you yet? Maybe if she's waiting for her first payment then she is particularly short of cash this month and feels embarrassed about saying so?