Help!! My CM lost my LO for half an hour, what would you do??

[Loukev08]

Hi all

I'm currently so upset at the minute. Yesterday I had a message from my cm asking me to call her when I was at work. I knew it must have been important as she never does this.

Anyway basically she had collected lo from school (he's 4 and immature for his age) and apparently lost him after crossing the busy main road outside school. She took the other kids back to school and got the teachers and older kids looking for him. He was finally found scared and crying for mummy walking alongside the main road by a lady and some senior school children. She told me he had run off and hidden behind the nearby bus shelter and she hadn't thought to look there even tho she said the older children she collects regularly run there. I was lost for words and in shock but when I finally got home my husband and I were so angry that we pay this CM to protect and keep our lo safe and she didn't. When I walked him this morning I viewed this bus shelter and because of its design you can see all the way round it as it's clear glass and if lo went behind it he would have been easily seen! I sat lo down last night and chatted to him and he was really upset and asked me not to leave him again. He also said she shouted at him and told him he was very naughty, I have since discovered from the teachers and headmaster today that when CM collects the children she never holds their hands or gets them to hold each other's hands and they are always running about everywhere, to me this is NOT acceptable for 4yr olds when you on main roads.

When I spoke to her about it she got very upset and when I asked why she stated "people will talk about me behind my back and the teachers will bad mouth me to parents" hmmm excuse me but no mention of losing a little boy just her own selfishness.

I have totally terminated my contract with her with immediate effect and she now wants 4wks pay as per the contract but I am not paying her as I feel she was in breach of her contract by not protecting my baby.

I just wondered what other ppl thought please and Tia xxx

Sorry but I think you are in the wrong. Why haven't you taught your 4 yr old not to run off. He should know not to and to stay with the CM when on roads. He's at school so not a baby.

I'm surprised the Police weren't called. If my 4yo was missing for this amount of time I'd expect a search party of more than a few 'older kids'

Sounds like the CM shouted at him out of anger and worry, he's 4 and shouldn't be running off and hiding! I think she's within her rights to tell him he's naughty!y CM doesn't make the kids hold hands. They all behave despite it being manic.
I think the CM did the right thing and hopefully you will see that once you've calmed down.

The contract is a standard Pacey one but it doesn't cite my options as a parent for terminating immediately without penalty ??

I agree he shouldn't have run off, but if he is known to misbehave, then she should make sure he's safe.

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable here, OP.

Obviously it's your son we are talking about so it's normal to freak out and be upset about the situation, but I do think the CM did the right thing.

She immediately noticed he was gone, went back to the school and gathered people to look for him and called you. Yes, she could have hold his hand or made them hold hands but your son could still have let go of his friend's hand and run away to hide. 4 yo are often stubborn and unpredictable unless she had attached him to her there would still have been a chance of it happening, How many time to we hear about parents who just turn around for a second to see their kids gone the next second? It's a terrifying experience and I do think your son got a good scare and won't do it again which is good.

She was absolutely right to tell him off and call him 'naughty' for running away and giving everyone (himself included) a good scare, your son could have put himself in danger or could have gotten hurt and he needed to be told off, so he doesn't do it again.

Take a step back from the whole situation and maybe you'll see that your son was maybe more (or at least as) at fault (as) than your CM ?

that is because there will be no option for that loukev. If you think that would be the correct course of action, you would have to take matters into your own hands.

When my children were at the local primary school it always amazed me just how many parents did seem to let their reception and pre-school children run off and hide, even along roads. I saw plenty of it. My own children thought I was such a dragon because I wouldn't let them do it even though their friends did. I'm not saying they never tried it on because they were young children doing what young children do, but in matters of personal safety I came down hard on them when they did (not abusively hard, before anyone jumps to that conclusion) and it stopped. That was when they were in the infants at school, or at pre-school.

I think you have done the right thing terminating your contract with the childminder, because you can no longer be confident she does her job effectively. You and your son had a lucky escape this time. Of course he should not be running off and hiding, but all children of that age push the boundaries if they sense half a chance. He is obviously shaken by the experience, so may well have already learned a valuable lesson from it. It will probably help you to reinforce to him exactly why he must not run off again, and why it isn't as funny as some children seem to think it is.

In mixed minds about this ...
I know how easily done it can be...My DD ran off with a friend when they were 5. I was with their mum walking home from school, the other mum stopped to help an elderly neighbour with her shopping. I let the DDs run ahead a little ...didn't realise that because of the layout of the path they would go out of vision - I couldn't see them for about 10 secs - and then they had disappeared. From where they were they could have gone in 3 different directions. I thought I knew where they would be but couldn't see them -later found out they were deliberately hiding when I looked... The other mum was beside herself - she was knocking on doors and searching one area whilst I was scrambling over rocks (6 month pregnant) in another. I found them -where I thought they would have gone -the other mum was frantic, had called the police and screamed at me - they were missing for about 30mins. (After that we both decided they shouldn't be encouraged to play together anymore as they were a bad influence on each other - even now as teens we are still wary!) I don't think either of them would have run off like that on their own though...
On the other hand something similar was the last straw with DDs CMS...she was about 6 and only went one day a week by then -(I'd stopped working but she still wanted to go). Very occasionally she wouldn't go but I'd always phone well in advance to let them know. DD went out a different exit than the younger children - one week there was hassle because she'd gone to the wrong place - so the CM had insisted she went to one area -got me to remind her etc too....the next week DD did exactly as she was told but the CM was standing somewhere else...(they must have passed each other) after waiting for ages (10mins) on her own DD did what she had been told to do if no-one was there to pick her up and went to the school office...turns out the CM had assumed she had come home with me and left the school without her The school then phoned the CM - (there are actually 2 CMs who work together) one of them went to get DD from the school in her car - meanwhile someone who works at the school and drives past the CMs took her along to drop her off... The CMs actually said they wanted DD to leave ....because she had made them look bad and couldn't be trusted to follow simple instructions (I would argue she followed instructions to the letter and it wasn't her fault the school and the CMs didn't communicate with each other) .... but it suited me because honestly I didn't trust them to look after her anymore...on the other hand DD was really upset because she liked going....

You keep mentioning that he runs off a lot and misbehaves, can I actually state he has the nickname Gentle Giant at school due to his timid caring nature, he never runs off without telling and he has had 3 CM's since the age of 1 and been a brilliant little boy never had any complaints of misbehaviour or running off, even with the current one. It was only last week the CM was telling me she got told off by the headmaster for talking to another parent whilst the kids were running around!!

Plus after yesterday I will never put him in the care of a CM again. My work have just called to say I can change to nights so I now can do the dropping off and collecting myself (huge weight off)..

For me, there are a few issues:

What's your DS's version of the story of how he got separated?

Does the CM allow older children to run and hide near the bus shelter regularly? If so, that seems like poor risk evaluation.

30 minutes is a long time. At what time did she plan to call the police?

If he's not a known runner, then she would have expected him to walk with the group as usual and probably had a real fright.

Sorry, I wasn't actually intending to suggest that your son is given to running off and misbehaving. Just saying in response to some of the other posts that although it shouldn't happen, I have often seen children of that age running off and hiding, and in a number of those cases their parents doing nothing to discourage it.

That said, of course there were and are a fair number of parents who do not allow it, and children who are less prone to doing things like that.

Thank goodness your LO is safe. I would be equally horrified and upset in your case.

Yes at 4 yo your LO should know to come back when called, and needs a serious repremand. But ultimately the CM was the adult in charge of your son and therefore responsible. I agree that you should contact Ofsted and also notify the other parents; I would want to know if this CM was looking after my child.

I'm a childminder. I usually get them to hold hands either with myself or other children. If I have children full of energy and wanting to run, I allow this only at certain safe points in the pavement, with a 'stop at the lamp-post' type of instruction. They are always in view. Tbh I've never had a 4 year old run off on the way to/from nursery or school - they know not to do so. If I had a runner like your son, I'd definitely hold his hand or get him to hold pram. Giving her the benefit of the doubt though, if she didn't know what he was like, and he just 'run off', it's difficult to chase after them when you have a group of other children. The childminder should have contacted OFSTED to inform them she had a missing child incident. You could contact them, in case she hasn't.

I can obviously see why the trust is lost and why you no longer want to use her service. You need full confidence in the person caring for your child.

However although I've said all of this, I also think you have to accept some responsibility. A 4 year old, unless for medical reasons, should be beginning to understand about safety and the dangers of running away. I think he's learned the hard way though! Poor soul must have had a terrible fright.

op I understand you are angry and upset, it would be unnatural for you not to be. But seriously, the cm did everything humanly possible to deal with this situation. your DS at 4 should not be running off out of sight. I also think you are out of order to be cross at her telling your DS off. He was in the wrong for running off and hiding so of course he should be told off. What do you expect her to do? pander to him and say well done for running off? or course not because that would encourage him to do it again. I feel sorry for your CM and really hope that this doesn't affect her having other children. Things like this happen to parents too and could easily happen to you.

No good cm would let this happen. 30 mins is way too long before calling the police - when would she have called? She sounds neither safe, careful nor appropriately concerned about how she has failed.

Contact ofsted and I wouldn't pay her a penny.

Yes it has scared him loads but I don't want to make out he is totally innocent after all he is 4 and a boy lol, my point is the CM is paid to look after and protect my lo when I can't be there and yes she lets the older kids run off all the time which in turn I think sets a bad example to the lo's she is also minding. I don't know how many kids she collects as she is ignoring all my texts and calls and failed to meet me at school this morning to discuss what happened which I had specifically asked her to do last night. That to me is unprofessional to start with.

Also running off isn't that clear cut, it's a likely e got swept along with another group of children surely. To allow time for him to get far enough ahead that a 30min search didn't did him makes me boggle. If I bring home a few six year olds I treat them like any might bolt or attempt to leap I front of passing cars. 4 year olds are unpredictable hence reins, high vis jacket, hand holding and othe techniques used by decent cms.

4 is not a baby, would you send a baby to school? If he can get through a school day he should know not to run off

I totally agree with that Nationalmust...

Surely though if the bus shelter was transparent your son would have been able to se the Cm and probably would have heard her calling his name. he should know not to run off anyway especially if there are cars nearby. He should have been near her in the first instance however.
He is your son and of course you are very angry but reading your replies your decision has been made and I don't think any of us on here are going to sway that.
I would however part pay what is owed and also try to get a full account of exactly what happened from him , the school and possibly the other children.
As for he shouting that he was naughty ..... he was actually !

OP, I suspect your gut instinct is that something hasn't been right with this CM for a while now and this may well be the icing on the cake.

For what it's worth, my DS had a CM a few years ago and although everything started off ok, I just had this feeling something wasn't right. As it turned out, she was leaving the children on their own in the purpose built room at the end of the garden while she pottered around in her house, with the gate wide open so anyone could've walked in without her even knowing.

The final straw was when I discovered her cleaner was looking after her mindees while she picked up the others from school. I had no problem reporting her to Ofsted after finding this out.

Luckily my DS doesn't even remember the CM but I agonised over it for a long time afterwards and even contemplated not going back to work because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my DC with a CM.

I now have a nanny who costs me an arm and a leg but it's worth it and I've never doubted her levels of care with both my DC. Equally, I'm sure I could've found another CM who was just as good as our nanny but this suits my working patterns at the moment.

Sallycinnamum that is shocking, I'm so glad you found out and hope OFSTED shut her down. People like that bring down the reputation of childminders.