Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

Original poster

Au Pair problems

17 replies

DRDG · 27/01/2015 01:31

Hoping to get some advice:

Our au pair has been with us for two weeks. We agreed to take her in as our nanny is away on an extended leave, and we needed a replacement. This girl was keen to come to London to start her career in nannying, so it seemed a good match. She was made aware of the number of children and their ages, as well as the type of things she would be helping us with (occasional nursery pick up/drop off, spending time with my younger one while I pick the older one up from school and similar).

The problem: she told me that she is not going to look after my three year old as he is throwing tantrums, running off etc when she is looking after him. This is making her feel anxious and she is not comfortable taking him out of the house. She admitted to having lost her temper with him twice. Her only suggestion on how to solve this was for us to have our cleaner look after him instead. She has agreed to look after one of my other children but not him.

This in itself is a big issue as this more or less makes the whole arrangement redundant but on top of this she is now complaining about not getting 7 days tube travel paid (we initially offered to pay tube fare for the days she did pick up/drop off). She is treating our home as a hotel, and when she isn't avoiding us she will calmly eat her breakfast as I scramble to dress and feed the kids in the morning. She will hardly acknowledge my children when she is 'off the clock' - on some days she won't even greet them. How can she expect the three year old to bond with her when she clearly doesn't care about him at all? We have tried to involve her and she is always invited to eat with us in the evenings. She says she likes our family and would like to stay the rest of the time we agreed on but I can't help but feel she is mostly referring to having room and board.

While I'm really annoyed with all of the above she is a sweet girl, just tremendously immature. I can't kick her out before she has found her next job (she is busy flat hunting with a friend so guess they will have things sorted at some point) but what to do about paying her? I am now paying the cleaner to look after them twice this week as she will only take care of our youngest which is pointless, as the three year old is also around. She might end up doing a total of 8 hours this week so what do I do about pay? Advice appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

gordonpym · 27/01/2015 02:05

Why don't you sit down with her after dinner and go back to the list of tasks and hours agreed for the pay she receives. Just be plain honest, and tell her that you need somebody to do the job and if she doesn't feel to be that person, then I am sorry but you have no choice but give her notice. You are paying the cleaner to do the aupair job, so what about asking the cleaner if she could do the extra hours and you'll have a sparkling house and happy children.
I am sure she's nice, just she's not on holiday, isn't she? Maybe she just need to be remembered of her responsibilities and duties.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 27/01/2015 04:32

Get rid and get a grown up au pair instead. She will not change and is living in lala land, and will continue to do so all the time you enable her. She's had two weeks to totally depress you, so give her two weeks notice and tell her to either get her arse in gear and work that notice (by doing cleaners job instead if necc), or go now instead. Does she have a family home? Then she will have to go back to it if she can't find anything else in London. Not your responsibility.

By the way - breakfasts? That's 10 hours a week for her to do some actual work. Tell her to eat before or after the kids but do their breakfast routine whilst you get yourself ready.

FWIW I once had an AP who proved hopeless with kids but genuinely didn't have a home to go to. We sat down and worked out that he could stay a while if he swapped out the childcare for some proper hard work stuff (cleaning, clearing garden, sorting out stuff and taking to the tip). He worked his socks off. If your AP had an ounce of motivation about her she'd be jumping to help round, not treating you like shit.

citytocountry · 27/01/2015 14:12

Get rid. Explain you need a different type of arrangement. I would offer either:

Flight home paid for by you; or (if you're feeling generous)

A couple of weeks grace to sort something else out (possibly with reduced pay if money is tight).

No way would I have somebody in my house, being paid, who won't take care of my three year old!

Unexpected · 27/01/2015 16:14

Yes, you CAN get rid of her. You offered her a job,explained the terms, she agreed and is now not doing her job. What is this business about getting a flat with a friend? When that happens, she is going to move out anyway and not be your au pair? I suspect she has little interest in being your au pair and it's all about a means to getting to London for her.

Original poster

DRDG · 28/01/2015 02:23

Thank you all for your input. I have had a number of talks with her, to the point where I explained how I really need to go back to work and that I have found a temporary nanny willing to take over.

This morning she surprised me by saying she now wants to do everything including pick up and drop off, after having said she refuses to do so as she is concerned for my sons safety if he runs off in traffic etc and admitting to having lost her temper with him more than once in one week. I'm not comfortable having her look after him as I feel she doesn't like him very much - she frequently refers to a lack of chemistry between them - and I feel she is not professional nor mature enough to handle her emotions properly where he is concerned.

On top she isn't doing anything around the house, she doesn't empty the dishwasher, cook for anyone but herself (using 8 fillets of salmon to prepare lunch boxes for herself - thanks), and just dumps the children's laundry in a heap on the floor. I could go on.

The girl hardly ever talks to our children so I believe it's primarily the zone 1 accommodation she is interested in. My husband and I strongly feel this situation must come to an end after she behaved a bit disrespectfully towards us this evening but as she is in the middle of a job search I feel bad about buying her a plane ticket home, but at the same time I feel uncomfortable having her here when she no longer works.

If anyone is still reading at this point, would you have offered her a plane ticket? What if she insists she wants to stay in London, would you let her stay until she finds a flat?

OP posts:

Delphine31 · 28/01/2015 02:32

I think you need to give her a month's notice. That way she has a fair chance to line up other work and your conscience can be clear.

Her attitude is staggering. She is not suited to being a nanny if she blames a lack of chemistry for not feeling comfortable with your 3 year old yet won't spend time with him to build a relationship.

The au pair arrangement is supposed to benefit both parties. This isn't working for you so she needs to go.

I say this as a former au pair. You are not asking too much of her.

gordonpym · 28/01/2015 07:13

She's been with you for two weeks, offer two weeks notice.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 28/01/2015 07:17

She doesn't have the right to stay in your home if she's not doing her job. Give her notice and send her home when it ends.

Schoolaroundthecorner · 28/01/2015 07:18

If she insists she wants to stay she still has to leave your house when her notice is up. That's the only obligation you have to her.

DragonRojo · 28/01/2015 07:24

I would not put up with this for a single day longer. Plane ticket and of she goes

CookieDoughKid · 28/01/2015 07:24

14 days notice. Her welfare is not your responsibility. You are an employer.

Be firm and detach.

melimelo18 · 28/01/2015 08:36

Get rid DRDG and ASAP.

I am an au pair but I am appalled by this '' Au Pair's '' attitude she is definitely taking the piss and I would not put up with it any longer if I were you.

She has obviously been honest with you by saying that she doesn't feel comfortable or able to look after your 3 years-old son so I would definitely not have her look after him. She probably is resentful anyway so that would not do any good to your son to have her take care of him.

This alone would have me go into rematch to be honest but the things you've described and the way that she seems to treat your home and family is absolutely shocking and she would have been out the door much earlier if that was me. ( and once again I am an Au Pair!)
She is obviously using you as a stepping stone so give her notice and let her go, you won't have any problem finding someone better and more suited for the job.

You should probably have a talk with your son though to try and fix the tamper tantrum and running off problem ( as yes it can be very dangerous and will potentially be putting off many au pairs and nannies).

As an Au Pair I once had to deal with a very difficult 3 yo and her constant tantrums drove me literally insane ( if it wasn't a short time thing I probably would have quit and gone home) and even though it did get better I was always a bit resentful of all the mean things she had said to me and never bonded with her as much as I bonded with the other host kids I later had as an Au Pair.

I stayed professional though and did my job and kept the house clean. Your Au Pair seems to be a burden more than an help and you should really get rid of her.

Good luck ! :)

fluffymouse · 28/01/2015 11:13

The situation is clearly untenable. You need to give notice: what does your contract say? 2 weeks seems reasonable if there is no contract.

Offer to pay her the notice now so she can leave straught away. Can she stay with her friend? If she insists on staying with you for the 2 weeks notice you could get her to do cleaning/other household jobs instead of childcare as she is clearly unable to cope with the children.

Finally, don't be dissuaded, there are lots of good au pairs out there.

Unexpected · 28/01/2015 12:15

What do you mean she's in the middle of a job search? And looking for a flat? Is she planning on working for you or not? It would seem not but then you talk about her offering to actually do the job for which you hired her so it's really unclear what is going on. Give her a week's notice, pay for her flight home and if she doesn't want to go home, you could give her the equivalent amount of money and get her out of your house.

Brightideas · 28/01/2015 16:50

Get rid. Main alarm bel, for me is that she's already lost her temper with your 3 year old twice. So, whether she's agreeable to lookmg after him or not, I'd not WANT her too.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 05/02/2015 13:06

Get rid immediately - I was an au pair for a gap year, I would've expected to be sent packing if I behaved like that! If she's unable to do the job she signed up for then she needs to be bought a ticket home straight away.

elastamum · 05/02/2015 13:16

I would just give her 2 weeks notice to go. And pay her the notice to go earlier if you can to get her out of the house.

If she has already told you she wont look after your 3 yr old there is no way I would keep her on or let her anywhere near him. With a baby and a pre schooler, you need a nanny, not another adult child in the house. And I wouldn't feel obliged to pay her air fare either. She knows what the job is, she is just declining to do it and expecting that you will keep paying her.

Flip