Nanny quit on Friday - very stressed and upset

[mmgirish]

Hi there,

My nanny quit and walked out on Friday at lunch time. We have started the very stressful job of replacing her. The thing is - I just feel sick about the whole situation. I have two children and my ds1 was very attached to her. He has been asking about her all weekend as she sometimes babysits on a Saturday for a few hours. She was his 3rd nanny in almost 3 years! His first nanny was amazing but we were leaving the country so we were very sad to say goodbye, the 2nd lady was much older and didn't have much of a connection with him at all (he used to scream in the morning as we left) so we let her go.

The thought of employing a 4th nanny before his 3rd birthday just has me in tears. Finding it hard to eat or sleep with the worry of finding the right person. Where we live, there aren't any nurseries or child minders so a nanny is the only route we can take. I just feel like we may be damaging him in some way with having all these people in and out of his life.

Being a parent is so hard, I keep daydreaming about winning the lottery so this problem goes away.

If anyone has any words of wisdom, I would love to hear them.

Cheers

Why did this one leave at such short notice?

I agree that does sound like an unusually high number of nannies to have worked your way through in a short period of time.

Did she give you a reason as to why she was leaving with no notice?

What will you do for childcare in the meantime?

What reason did she give? V unprofessional to leave without notice.

I know "four nannies in three years" doesn't sound ideal, but far better than persevering with / hanging onto someone who isn't working out or doesn't want to be there for the sake of it.

A colleague who lives close to me told me on Friday morning that on 2 occasions he heard her shouting at my son. One of those times (this week) he had friends around at his house who also work with me and they confirmed that she did seem quite angry and that she said a few inappropriate things.

I called my husband who went home and asked her about it. She admitted being angry and admitted the comments she had made and apologised seemingly genuinely. My husband told me this on the phone. I unfortunately predicted that she would quit anyway as it is common in the country we live in for people to retreat if it is considered that they 'lose face'/'have lost face'.

My husband has to cancel his work until we get someone. His clients won't be happy but I can't take any time off work. He was also supposed to fly out on Thursday for the day too.

Your poor son
Probably best that she is gone. Good for you that your colleague lived nearby! I would be very thankful.

I know, but now I feel so guilty about it happening in the first place. It's midnight where I am and I have to get up in 6 hours but can't sleep at all.

Can you not take a day to gather yourself together and speak to some nanny agencies?

Is an au pair doable or plausible where you live?

I can't offer any practical suggestions but please don't worry about your son being damaged by the nanny leaving - three nannies (or other carers) really isn't unusual in three years. Lots of children who go are cared for in a nursery setting or who have nannies at their own home will have had a much higher churn of carers than that and will be completely unscathed by it, albeit a little sad when someone they are particularly fond of leaves. I don't know how stringent employment laws are in your country but could you get a very watertight contract for the next one?

What other childcare options are there in your country? Could be worth trying something different.

We've actually have contacted an agency already. They brought round a lady but she couldn't speak any English and didn't seem too happy about 2 children. We had also lined up two other interviews through online ads but they were no shows. The agency is bringing around someone else tomorrow and I was at a party yesterday and gave my number to all the nannies there to see if they had any friends who were looking for work.

I'm terrified of making the wrong decision or employing the wrong person now.

No to au pairs I'm afraid. We're in SE Asia.

No stringent employment laws here. Even if there were, the law in this country will 99% of the time find the foreigner (us) in the wrong.

That's hard OP.

Is there any expat families that you know with SAHMs?
You might find that they'd like to make a little bit of extra cash and help out.

I will PM you.

Is there any expat families that you know with SAHMs?
You might find that they'd like to make a little bit of extra cash and help out.

You can't be serious. When I was an expat mum in Asia, the last thing I would have wanted would have been the stress of looking after extra kids for a bit of 'pocket money'.

Hire another professional OP. You might have to relax the English standards though.

How much money do you have to pay this nanny? Can you bring a nanny from the UK (or Ireland, based on your name?). I suspect, living where you do, that the issue of English and different standards of care/ attention to children/shouting at them, etc is going to come up again and again. Childcare just isn't as highly regulated and practitioners tend to be more of a mixed bag.

I just HAD to respond to this thread. You poor thing I know exactly what you're going through and I hope this will make you feel better: Ive changed nannies SIX TIMES and my twins are only FOURTEEN MONTHS. You know what, Im not the slighted bit sorry, here's what happened (and keep in mind these nannies all came from the best agencies in the uk:

Maternity nurse1 (£270 per day): dropped one of my babies while I was still in the hospital and my doctor and nurses expressed their concern over her capabilities
Maternity nurse 2 (£260) : did not know how to swaddle babies properly and I walked in to the nursery several times to see that my babies were lost under their swaddle trying to get out while she was reading her book.
Maternity nurse 3 (£290): asked my young young housekeeper who's never picked up a baby to feed the babies while I was out, poor girl freaked out and called me in tears
Maternity nurse 4 (£220) : was lovely but her poor mother passed while she was with us
Maternity nurse 5 (£280): made our staff cry, told me I was a bad mother that didn't care about my babies happiness because I wouldn't let her take the boys swimming without me
Nanny 6: (£220): with us for nearly a year now and I love her but she's gotten homesick and wants to go back home in a few months

The feeling you have when you're not happy with the person who's with your kids is just depressing, there's nothing wrong with wanting the best for your kids and wanting to keep them and your household in a positive and safe environment. God knows we work hard enough and pay a hell of a lot for it. Some nannies I had made me feel so down I would cry about it, Im a first time mom, 27 years old now and sometimes wouldn't have the courage to confront my mature and experienced nanny about what she was doing and it would depress the hell out of me. My husband or mother would eventually have to step in and let them go. Ive been bullied and taken advantage of by nannies like Im some spoilt little kid and most agencies didn't care as long as they got their placement fee. Nurse number 5 stayed with us for three months and would go for weekly manicures (not during her time off) sand charge me for it because she wouldn't want "her nails would scratch the
boys"

My advice to you is don't feel sorry or upset about what you've done as you've done what's best for your child and your family. Your child will adjust and will be happier than he ever was before when someone with the right energy and attitude comes in to your home.

I hope this made you feel slightly better about your situation!

Thanks ladies, that has made me feel better knowing that other people have had lots of caregivers for their children too.

We interviewed a nanny through an agency on Monday. She seemed nice and started on Tuesday. Tuesday went well and she seemed to find her feet. On Wednesday, things did not go so well for her. My wee one was crying a lot and she gave my older son chocolate coins that were in the fridge since christmas for dinner! When I got home from work he was practically bouncing off the walls... I had serious doubts then obviously.

Since then things have settled down and she has been more confident. Her English isn't great but we seem to be able to find means of communication and I want her to teach the boys the local language anyway. The agency lady met with us all today and helped too. She is going to call in every week to make sure things are going well.

However, our previous nanny who quit on Friday asked me could she see the boys on Wednesday (I thought to say goodbye as I thought she was going home to her home province) so I said yes. She saw them and all was fine. This evening I found out she was at the park today (within our housing development - like a gated community) and saw them again. This time my older son got really upset when the new nanny tried to take them home as he wanted to stay with her. So I'm going to have to sort that out too before the new nanny gets undermined.

why did nanny quit, but seems to want to spend time with your children?

mamati87 wow 5 mn and all were crap, you certainly came a cropper :(

I am an Au pair and really want to leave

Username - please start a new thread and we will try to help you as best we can.

Go back to the home childcare topic and click 'start a new thread' and tell us all about it. Good luck