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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

new aupair too clingy

46 replies

Col12345 · 11/01/2015 13:02

hi. can anyone help. new aupair is lovely but isnt givning us any space. is eating with us. watching tv. even coming to football today. have suggested facebook groups to find friends. have offered a tv in her room. i only wanted her for babysitting and picks up and a bit of housework. this is too much........ feeling stressed need some advice help.....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Jinxxx · 14/01/2015 11:26

I have plenty of family members I have never met. If one of my nieces visited from Australia I would obviously expect her to eat with us and accompany us on family trips if she wanted to come.

MissHJ · 14/01/2015 11:35

Oh I feel so sorry for your au pair. She is meant to be treated like part of the family and she is in a new country, new people, probably still quite lonely and wary. But you are coming across as if all you want is her to sod off to her room whenever she is not needed. Give the poor girl a break, it's still early days or find other childcare. Once she finds her feet, she will have other things to do in the evenings.

SoonToBeSix · 14/01/2015 11:40

Then she isn't an aupair she is a live in maid. I feel very sorry for her op.

Original poster

Col12345 · 14/01/2015 11:42

am very happy now i have set boundaries.
each to their own!!

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 14/01/2015 11:54

But it's not each to their own . You can't employ an aupair and simply do as you please.

Johnogroats · 14/01/2015 12:01

Communication and setting expectations is important. How has your AP reacted to the new regime?

Original poster

Col12345 · 14/01/2015 12:03

so what? where the title comes from. she is working 20 hours a week and getting paid 130. shes happy and im happy now. end of

OP posts:

wewishyou · 14/01/2015 12:06

I hope your au pair is looking for another family secretly.

we are not telling that she IS a new member of your family. We are telling you that you have to treat her as a part of the family. But you have decided to be stubborn and not understand.

Did you really tell her that you don't want her to eat/stay with you??? Poor poor girl.

Original poster

Col12345 · 14/01/2015 12:26

lol. have u nothing better to do?
she eats with us when it is possible. she is very happy here. ive introduced her to facebook friends she is out now having coffee. she is out all weekend now. shes happy. if she isnt she will leave. she has a clear schedule with exactly what is expected of her. she is very lucky.
i am one hundred per cent clear and honest with her.
a lot of families make girls work 40 hours a week for peanuts.
i treat her kindly and with respect. i just want time with my son.
end of converstaion and judegements please !! thanks

OP posts:

schlafenfreude · 14/01/2015 12:51

I think you just need to change her job title to PT live in nanny. 20 hours at £130 is 6.50ph which is minimum wage, which you need to pay as she clearly isn't going to be joining in your leisure activities. The. As long as expectations are clear on both sides you can do as you please.

OutragedFromLeeds · 14/01/2015 13:40

You don't have to treat her as one of the family if you don't want to, but if she isn't being treated as a family member then she is an employee. If she is an employee you need to pay minimum wage, register as an employer, deal with holiday/sick pay etc.

And that's not an 'each to his own' issue. It's a 'that's the law' issue.

magpieginglebells · 14/01/2015 13:52

Well, if you speak to her like you have to people on this thread I don't think you'll have the problem soon.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 14/01/2015 15:59

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 14/01/2015 16:00

That was to the OP. Why don't you just get a cleaner and employ a baby sitting service OP?

Aridane · 14/01/2015 17:09

Poor poor au pair. Let's home she finds another family sharpish.

PetieBurkis · 14/01/2015 17:28

I was actually with you OP until you came out with an offensive remark that was deleted - it revealed to me your true colours I'm afraid.

However it doesn't sound like you are treating her badly and glad you're helping her branch out, but please just put yourself in her shoes for a minute!

San1127 · 24/01/2015 00:01

I don't think there is anything wrong with this mom wanting to spend some quality time with her son. Having someone else stay with you in your home now matter how nice is overwhelming if they are in your face always. Try explaining this to your au pair. A lot of times when you are up front with your expectations it makes your relationship better with your au pair. They will understand you wanting to do some special things with your son every once in a while. Good luck

melimelo18 · 24/01/2015 05:37

San1127, nobody said it was wrong for her to want to spend quality time with her son, it's even normal for a mother to want to do so but she doesn't want her Au Pair to be around them when she is off, ever.

To me it seems like she took an Au Pair for the price of it and just want someone to take care of her son when she can't and then hide in her room until her next shift. An Au Pair isn't supposed to be an employee, she is supposed to be treated as a member of her family, if OP wanted someone just to look after her son then she should have gone for a child-minder or alternative kind of childcare.

An Au Pair come for the cultural experience (hence the relatively low cost of an Au Pair) and it sickens me to see so many family take advantage of that and make them believe they'll be treated fairly to then turn them into a simple employee or modern slave.

you do not have to take an Au Pair into your home but if you do, make sure she is treated fairly and make her feel like home that's as simple as that tbh.

If OP doesn't want her Au Pair to join on outings she could just tell her '' X and I are going for a walk, we'll see you later, have a nice day ! " it's smooth and the Au Pair probably won't mind or be offended and if the AP ask to join she just have to say something along the line of '' X and I didn't spend much time together this week and would like to catch up and enjoy some 'mum and son' time together today, hope you don't mind, you are definitely invited to join us next time though."

There are always way to make you Au Pair understand that you would like some intimacy or time alone with your family, but you can't expect your Au Pair to never join you or hide in her room while the family is in the house.
I really don't this OP is suited to have an Au Pair and feel very bad for her AP, hope she finds a new family soon...

kkbalghari · 01/02/2015 20:41

Aupair needed in sw17 for my 2 school going girls.
Light housekeeping as well.occasional night babysitting needed as well.please contact
Kkb

wewishyou · 01/02/2015 20:47

kkbalghari that was random

blueshoes · 01/02/2015 23:15

You are paying her quite generously for her working hours. You won't have a problem finding a replacement

Some, in fact most of my, aupairs (and I have had many) prefer to have their own private time when it is outside of working hours. You just need to find one like that and make it clear upfront those are your expectations.

The more independent aupairs are the ones who are not fresh off the boat and are changing families to be nearer friends or to be a big city. Depends very much on the girl. There are various facebook groups for aupairs she could try getting on to make friends.

I cannot imagine an aupair wanting to hang out with the family all the time. It would be pretty dull for them.

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