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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

new aupair too clingy

46 replies

Col12345 · 11/01/2015 13:02

hi. can anyone help. new aupair is lovely but isnt givning us any space. is eating with us. watching tv. even coming to football today. have suggested facebook groups to find friends. have offered a tv in her room. i only wanted her for babysitting and picks up and a bit of housework. this is too much........ feeling stressed need some advice help.....

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DragonRojo · 11/01/2015 13:59

Is she going to classes yet? if not, this is the first thing you need to sort out, so that she makes friends. Otherwise the poor girl will be really bored, and of course she will hang out with you much more. After all, she's meant to be "part of the family"

Original poster
Col12345 · 11/01/2015 14:15

she will be going i hope and ive invited her onto facebook groups. we are a single parent family. and its important for us to spend time with each other as a family and also for me and my son to have time together too.....is that wrong?

OP posts:
EmmalinaC · 11/01/2015 14:19

As previous poster said an au pair is meant to be part of your family so you should expect him/her to eat with you and join family watching tv etc. Add to that, he/she may well be new to the UK, first time away from family etc, feeling anxious about finding her way round and making new friends. It's your responsibility to help him/her with settling in.

It takes time for a new AP to settle and that both the AP and the family need to adapt to find a relationship they're comfortable with.

Our current AP was very anxious at first (she'd never left her home country before) but she met lots of friends at language classes, met other APs on the school run etc. We're now a few months in and it's working out really well - she has her own independence but is also very much part of our household in a good way!

You can't just expect someone who is living in your house to make themselves scarce when they're not 'working'. The AP deal is not as clear cut as that which is why you pay pocket money not wages - it's a cultural exchange programme!

Hang in there though - when it works out its great for everyone! Grin

PrintScreen · 11/01/2015 20:35

I second what others have said. The au pair deal is that they are part if the family. I always expect our au pairs will eat with us and occasionally join family outings. But I know it's hard when they are around all the time. Usually it gets better after a month or two as they make friends and tire of you!

wewishyou · 11/01/2015 20:47

SO you just wanted an extra cheap childcare qho qill stay in her room as much as possible... Nice.

Maybe let her go and hire a nanny

wewishyou · 11/01/2015 20:48

who will not qho qill Grin

Original poster
Col12345 · 13/01/2015 11:03

you are extremely rude and judegemental.
no that is not the case. i do all the child care myself.
until you know a persons situation dont judge.

OP posts:
wewishyou · 13/01/2015 11:47

Well you post on a public forum to complain that the Aupair eats and spend time with you... What do you expect

Unexpected · 13/01/2015 11:52

OP, is this your first aupair? If so, perhaps you didn't realise that they really do have an expectation of being treated as one of the family. They are meant to eat with you and take part in family activities. If she is new and in a foreign country, what do you expect her to do with her time?

Things may settle down when she goes to classes and makes some friends or gets some additional babysitting work e.g. but it's very normal for her to hang around otherwise. If you want to have some time alone with your son e.g. at football, you need to tell her that you are going out with your son for some "family" time.

If you really can't cope with having another adult in your house, then you need to look at alternative childcare.

Unexpected · 13/01/2015 11:54

Oh, and for what it's worth, while an aupair would have suited my childcare needs quite nicely at times in the past, I knew I couldn't cope with having someone else live with us so we never went down that route. It's horses for courses.

FannyFifer · 13/01/2015 11:56

Why have you an aupair then if you do all the childcare?

proseccoplease · 13/01/2015 12:02

You've asked for opinions/advice - you should have expected a degree of judgement in replies.

Why exactly do you require an au pair if you do all the childcare?

Unexpected · 13/01/2015 12:14

Be nice people Smile. The OP hasn't given us all the information here but has a second thread running about this (yes, obviously one thread would have been easier). The child in question is 11, presumably year 6, so "childcare" is a rather different proposition. I believe the OP needs the aupair for school pick-ups, some evenings, babysitting etc. It's an ideal aupair job really but new aupair needs time to find friends and outings.

Original poster
Col12345 · 13/01/2015 12:51

thank you " unexpected" for your understanding. i do what i can do alone. and have done for most of my sons life.
however due to an accident a year ago am left with a disablility and need help at home.
i have addressed all the issues. and she is fine with giving us space.
i dont see the need to be nasty and rude to people when we are all trying to be parents. i wont be posting on this site again.

OP posts:
Col12345 · 13/01/2015 12:53

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Col12345 · 13/01/2015 12:54

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NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 13/01/2015 13:48

Bingo!

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 13/01/2015 13:49

That really is uncalled for OP.

QuickSilverFairy · 13/01/2015 13:55

Col12345, I have reported your nasty and abusive message to MNHQ.

OutragedFromLeeds · 13/01/2015 13:57

I think not posting on mumsnet again is probably the right choice for you OP.

MinceSpy · 13/01/2015 14:13

Col12345 it sounds as though your Au Pair is struggling to settle and make friends. Are there any other au pairs locally who speak her mother tongue that you could put her in touch with? I'd also encourage her to join a language class as that will help her find friends. Might be worth speaking to the agency to see what tips they have for settling new au pairs in.
It must be scary for a young girl living in a strange country and being away from her family so I can understand her clingyness. If having a stranger in your home as part of the family is too much for you then maybe you might be better off finding her a new position.

Original poster
Col12345 · 13/01/2015 14:49

i dont agree that the aupair is part of the family. she is being paid. therefore it is fine to set boundaries and have space as required.

OP posts:
Unexpected · 13/01/2015 14:59

i dont agree that the aupair is part of the family.

Then you completely misunderstand the role of an au pair and you need to find an alternative form of childcare. The very low level of pay for au pairs reflects the fact that they are not only inexperienced but that part of their "remuneration" is free board and lodging and the chance to participate in family outings.

MinceSpy · 13/01/2015 16:50

The title comes from the French term au pair, meaning "at par" or "equal to", indicating that the relationship is intended to be one of equals: the au pair is intended to become a member of the family, albeit a temporary one, rather than a traditional domestic worker.

Maybe you'd prefer an alternative form of child care

Original poster
Col12345 · 14/01/2015 10:46

how can someone who is a complete stranger be a " family member"
thats not possible. she is an employee. who is treated with respect and kindness but is not a family member as far as i am concerned.

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