Any advice on live in au pairs for novice parents?

[happynappy]

Am thinking about getting a live in au pair when I return to work in six months, baby is six months now and older girl is 4.5 and just at school. Feels like a big step as we're not sure how it will be with someone living in. Any advice to make sure it goes well? And just how do you find the perfect au pair?

I don't think au pairs can look after children under 2 years old. You might have to go with a nanny, sorry.

DH at home in daytime, he works shifts, and so around for baby care. Any more advice please?

I would recommend that when interviewing potential candidates you think about their suitability as a flat mate as well as employee - it makes having someone living in your house much easier if you have similar views to eg whether washing up should be done immediately or can be stacked in the sink for later.

Wouldn't start with this arrangement just when you return to work tbh - life will be stressful enough, so start before you go back if only to get used to each other. Childcare aside, the live-in aspect is significant so I don't know how much experience you have of other people living with you. We have tended to have "lodgers" for some time (we never tried to have one, but typically we've taken in say Australian distant relatives during gap year, friends where house move is falling through etc). The particular issues we've had with teenage girls is:-

*eating - having to prepare a meal for an extra adult can be a bind (especially if their cooking is crap). Sometimes you just want beans on toast.

• on the job coaching - they may not have that much expereince at cleaning, cooking etc and therefore you will need to spend time coaching. I have to say that I found it very odd to be teaching someone I hardly knew how to clean a toilet.

• amount of shared time. An au pair is meant ot live as part of the fmaily - are you expecting her to be with you each evening, or are you hoping that she'll stay in her room/go out?

• food - in general one was not very clued up so would come in and eat a chocolate bar in front of my 3yo whilst I was cooking his tea. Don't rely on 19yos to have an even vaguely healthy diet ime.

What can you do to make sure it goes right?

• start the placement early and give yourself time to back out and try again before you start work.
• phone referees
• spend a day with them if possible - this will give you a feel for their foibles (and whether they're just going to talk about boys for the next year)
• write out your expectations and share them (possibly after 1st intereview, but before 2nd)

Good luck.

I agree with LadyMuck - assume the au pair knows nothing - you will have to teach her from scratch. She probably won't have a clue - I have had to tell mine not to leave the children alone in the bath, I have had to show her how to cook sausages, I have had to show her how to do everything I assume people know how to do. But when I was 18 I was very similar!

I do find it a bind having to cook for her, but get round that by giving her what the children have (I don't usually eat proper meals in the evening, and if I do it is much later with DH).

I prefer mine not to sit with me in the evening, but you can't tell them not to! Just make their room as inviting as possible with a tv, dvd, stereo etc.

Write a very detailed list of duties (mine takes the form of a timetable) - assume that she won't do anything unless it is in the list - you will probably be pleasantly surprised.

~Remember that often the au pair is not more than a child and might be away from home for the first time. Mine is 19 and I feel that I have to be responsible for her too. I don't mind this, but if you do, maybe you should go for someone older.

There are lots of plusses from having an au pair. Your's will probably be able to go and do the school run while your dh stays with the baby. It is nice watching the children form a relationship with the au pair- My older daughter really likes ours - they do each other's hair!

I went through an agency to find my latest au pair - but the best way is a personal recommendation. my last au pair was recommended and stayed with me for 18 months. We are still in touch. The baby was extremely fond of her (she was 6 weeks when she started).

If you have any other questions, I am happy to answer them (if I can!).

I recommend very a very thorough interview process, and check references. Or you will be back on here moaning about your bad employer nanny/au pair relationship.
Ask lots of questions, interview in person if possible, and don't consider anyone who doesn't come with live-in experience.

I have been reading this with interest, as I have just decided on our next Au pair, and she is totally different from past AP.( not that I have had many)
She?s 30 year old English teacher form the EU looking for a year out ? has never been long term to the UK. I can see lots of advantages, she is seem?s very independent, mature and has similar interests to us.
I have discussed my approach with the children, discipline and what?s acceptable ect
I did mention I like some time on my own when the kids are in bed.
Already agreed duties and schedules.
She has house shared before -only at Uni
she's single - no children
Any one else had an older live in Au pair/nanny that can think of any pro and cons ?

Thanks for all your advice, loads to think about and of help. I wondered about holidays and pay, do parents pay tax/NI for au pairs? and what do other mumsnetters do about paid holidays & air fares home for au pair and holidays with the family? what is reasonable to ask of the au pair in order to give DH and I privacy in the evening? do others suggest that the au pair spends one of their days off out of the home?

Also meant to ask what rules do other mumsnetters have about boyfriends staying over/visiting or other friends? We are tempted to have blanket no sleepovers rule; what do you all think? pros and cons please.

in no particular order:
its not reasonable imo to tell your AP to go out. More subtle to pay for evening classes in English 3 times a week If your AP is having a good time, she'll soon be going most nights of the week though.

There is a minimum amount of hol that you are supposed to pay, 3 weeks in UK I think. I pay it, but many employers dont.

You dont have to pay tax/NI for an AP.

I have a rule no men, but overnight female visitors are ok.

Hols with the family are work for an AP - its a perk of the job, not a hol for her.
I dont pay air fares home as a rule, but I have contributed in the past.

Wow, posted first ad late last night and the only response so far was an abusive email from a complete stranger...oh dear, is this usual?

where did you post your ad? I use AuPairWorld.net, you get loads of replies from real au pairs.